Nervous Breakdown here I come!

Don't worry this will be like number 500 for nervous breakdowns.
A lot is happening right now.
- both my kids might have a chronic disease, affecting their lungs and health for the rest of their lives- due to our old mold infested apartment.
- my mom's last day of work is at the end of the month.
- my dad's losing his mind- a little more every single day. Plus there's a chance he might have prostate cancer. We're waiting to hear the results from his doctor.
-I found out I have an auto-immune disease, which is probably Lupus.
(Sounds like a Dr. House joke, right? "It's not LUPUS!" But actually it seems it is).
My hair has started falling out again. And no, coloring it, didn't make a difference. This would've happened regardless. My scalp hurts so badly. And Dave keeps asking to buzz my hair off again. I think he's buzzer happy! Seriously! He just buzzed his own hair off, and now he's after mine.
Not that I have anything against buzzing my hair- I've gonna completely bald once every year for the past SEVEN years. There's noting I haven't done to my hair, or pretty much in my life, in general. Hahahahaha!
-Plus we have money woes a plenty.

Fun times, right?
My friend told me, this means blessings are coming our way.
I truly hope she's right.
I few days ago, I was spiraling, not able to see any light, or silver lining.
I'm still depressed, but I'm able to smile occasionally. Of course my kids always make me laugh.

This past weekend was misery.
Violet was so hyper and violent. Not a good combination at all.
Now she's sick with fever, and not really eating.
Lee had fever too, but he's eating a little.
I feel like crap and really really exhausted all the time, even though Dave's given me lots of time to rest.
It's frustrating. REALLY FRUSTRATING.

I'm actually happy, my mom is gonna stop working. Despite our money woes.
I know she'll finally be happy, and not miserable going to work anymore.
All I want is my family to be happy and healthy-
both things seem very hard to come by lately.

Plus I worry, I don't want to end up back at the food pantry and soup kitchens.
That was serious hardship, especially with my kids.
There's nothing more, you want as a parent, but to be able to have a roof over your kids' heads and food on the table to eat.
Both of which, I wasn't able to provide, not more than a year ago.
Our lives changed once we left that miserable, evil apartment.
I still have nightmares about our old place.
It was seriously like the movie 1408!
Did you know that a week after we left- there was a flood!!! Coming from my apartment!!! Even though NO ONE WAS THERE!
Yeah- totally fucking creepy.
I'm so glad we left.
I just don't want to go back to living that nightmare again.
I really don't like my neighborhood. The people in it are ignorant, homophobic and racist!
Yeah- a horrible combo!
Just really ignorant people.
I never thought I'd miss the egocentric manhattanites I was brought up with.
Even if a fabulous drag queen walked down the block, no one would even glance- or stare, or laugh.
Here- they hate anything even remotely different from them.
I can't seem to talk to anyone, even my neighbors.
They are all seriously messed up in the head.
I've heard lots of anti-Semitic things said by my neighbors, against Jews.
Did I ever mention, I AM JEWISH?
And my kids are Latin-Jews?
I don't want them growing up around so much hatred. This is where bullies come from, I'm sure of it.
And in Brooklyn, of all places??? I'm in fucking hicksville!!!
Plus, I'm bisexual. I was going to marry a women, a long time ago.
I'm sure that would've caused quite a stir in the shitty fucking neighborhood.
Yes, the houses are nice, and it's pretty residential, but the people make the neighborhood.
and they make it ugly.

Sorry, now I'm just ranting.
My point was- a lot is going on right now in my life.
I don't handle stress well at all.
I'm trying really hard though.

I promise I'm gonna write the blog I set out to a few days ago (about My Anti-cool revolution) but I just really wanted to update everyone on how things were going.

I love you guys and gals so much!!!!
Thank you always for being there for me!

As always,
Kisses Bitches!!!

Anti-Cool: the Movement

I came up with this notion a few years back.
Back then I called it My Revolution, now it's more a movement really.
Anti-cool: basically doing everything in your power to be NOT cool. Meaning whatever society finds beautiful, or accepting- do the opposite. Not for them- but for yourself.
After being in the fashion industry for over tens years- I've learned a lot.
Mainly how I don't "fit" in.
I was always too __________ (fill in the blank).
Too tattooed. Too out-there. Or the opposite happened- I wasn't tattooed ENOUGH. I wasn't strange enough. Very bizarre. And things change from minute to minute.
What was "in" one season was "out" the next. The fashion industry is very wishy-washy.
And it was always so frustrating for me. Do they want me to look like this?? or that??? I never knew- and I was always wrong.
So about two years ago- I gave up all together- I decided whatever they wanted me to look like- I as going to do the opposite. So I dyed my hair green, shaved off my eyebrows, purposely bought outrageously weird looking eyeglasses- the whole deal. I dressed awkward. You name it. And believe me every time I shaved my head- there were many people that found it unappealing and told me so- on the street- to let me know how WRONG I was. Same thing when I was heavily pierced, people told me on the street how ugly I was. I don't know why they felt the NEED to tell me this- but whatever- no biggie. I used to take it to heart, and be upset- now I learned to take it as a compliment. If they DON'T like it- then I'm doing something RIGHT.
I kind of lost my focus on my anti-cool movement, since I was pregnant with Levi.
Now I'm feeling the focus coming back to me now.
I've been on so many casting calls in my days- and rejected, rejected, rejected.
It wears a person down. And the jobs I do get aren't usually the ones I'm pining over.
Everything I do- I'm told will ruin my career- to that I say- the job I get for looking the way I WANT- will be a life changer, for sure. That's the job I want.
So many things have been happening to me physically. And I find there are days I want to be invisible. And if there were a way- I'd use it. The thing I found be trying to be ugly- by societies standards- does make a person as close to invisible as possible. strange I know, but people don't like to look at "the ugly", people are usually attracted to the "beautiful". Whatever that may mean.
It means different things to different people.
In my neighbor, nearly everyone is a yuppie. They're children are brats usually.
So the minute I step out the door- I know I'm already hated. For having tattoos on my neck, for being different in any way. I'm thought of as lower class, and treated as such. That's why I find more comfort at the ghetto playgrounds, with my kids- because I feel we're all equal. We're all poor and don't have nannies, or cooks, or maids.
I'm feeling very anti-cool at the moment. Especially with my hair falling out and my body falling a part. I really do want to be invisible. I feel things would be a lot easier.
I'm not going to get the part of the mom in a commercial anyway- or the part of the tattooed chick. So fuck it- let's do this already.
Let me know you're feelings on the movement- let's make it one. Fuck the MAN. Fuck society. Just FUCK IT!


Kisses Bitches!

*photo of Violet a few months old- with onesie designed by me- my Anti-cool Baby!!!