Miracle doctor

Me oh my!!!
After yesterday my faith in doctors was next to nil.
Today I went to a brand new doctor. I had also made an appointment for Dave at the same time, because he has a very bad sinus infection and was due for a check up anyway.
I LOVE her!!! She's brilliant, understanding, caring- you name it.
I knew the very second I stepped into the waiting room. I grabbed Dave's arm and whispered to him, "I'm going to love this doctor. I know this already."
I met two older women while filling out paper work. They were so nice and had nothing but good things to say about the doctor I was about to see.
The woman I was speaking to had THREE OPEN heart surgeries and we had SO much in common.
I told her, I hoped to see her again soon.
She replied- I most definitely will.
She was THAT nice.
All the nurses were so sweet and really professional.
I felt kind of at home there. And that's a good thing- because I basically LIVE in doctor's offices anyways.
The doctor gave Dave a full exam and an EKG, apparently besides being an internal medicine doctor- she specializes in cardiology!!!
My luck just looked up!!!
She also gave him an ultrasound of his heart- his very first one EVER!!! And he's turning 38 years old!!!
Man, we are SO different!! The first one I had was when I was 16 years old!!
His blood pressure was very high, as per usual.
The doctor told him she'll give him 3 months to lose weight, and change his diet and start exercising- otherwise he may need surgery because his weight could kill him.
I LOVE this doctor.
This isn't the first time a doctor has told him this- but I feel this was the first time he really listened.
She examined me and listened to EVERYTHING I had to say.
Really listened!!!
I cried in her office- because it touched me so much, after all I've been through with doctors my entire life, especially recently with the doctor that molested me.
I was in so much pain- everywhere. I could barely walk.
I had gained almost ten pounds in two weeks from SWELLING with water!
I was 125 lbs- two weeks ago, and now 135- and I have actually been eating healthier!
My legs are very swollen and very uncomfortable.
She gave me a breast exam- and told me right there, my breasts are very cystic and I will continue to have mammograms with her, every single year.
She is requesting all my information from "the bad doctor" I went to weeks ago.
She also suggested that I go to an endocrinologist, that she knows and recommends, for my thyroid. As well as an arthritis doctor, for the pain I'm in all the time- she suggests that I probably have Fibromyalgia!
THE FIRST DOCTOR TO EVER ADMIT THAT!!
After everything I've been through. Still most doctors believe the diagnosis is make-believe, this is of course because most doctors- don't READ, or believe that anyone could ever possibly REALLY be in that much pain all the fucking time.
Did I mention, I HATE most doctors?!!!
The nurse hooked me up- right then and there to a event monitor (also called Holter monitor) and have to stay connected to it for 24 hours.
I'm connected right now- as I type this.
I have to go back tomorrow morning- to get disconnected and get a fasting-lab. NO EATING- for 12 hours before the blood test. Dave will be getting a blood test as well.
She also suggests I may have an arrhythmia.
BTW- my blood pressure was 96/65.
I was sweating and feeling so sick while in her office.
I can't wait to feel better...hopefully SOON.

Let's hope she, or the other doctors I'll be seeing, find out what's wrong AND FAST!

I also have to go back the day before my 30th birthday for a stress test.
Yep- I'm turning 30 soon. I can't believe it!
Shouldn't I be turning 84 or something already???!!!


Kisses Bitches!!!
Thanks for all your prayers!

One of the very best days!!!!

This morning started like every other morning before it,
I was tired and half-awake, woken up by my son crying in his crib- right next to my bed.
After having breakfast I saw the perfect opportunity to cut Levi's hair.
I sat him in his highchair, and went to work.
He was SURPRISINGLY GREAT and quite calm during the whole process. I praised him the entire time!
Especially compared to the last time I cut his hair and he screamed bloody murder through the entire haircut.
Levi had ABA therapy at home, towards the end of the session, I got on facebook very quickly (like I always do- I am ADDICTED to facebook).
And saw my old friend was online, one I met way back when (around 2003-2004 to be exact). When I was in the hospital (one of the many times) for my eating disorders.
She was also bipolar- and we bonded right away.
She understood me, unlike anyone ever had.
She went off the grid for awhile, the whole time I thought she was dead.
Us, bipolars- we don't get a lot of "happy endings".
Mostly they end in tragedy, sad to say.
I thought the worst had happened, especially since we were SO much alike.
I was sad for many many years, and always thought of her.

Well  thanks to facebook and some faith- I found her!!!
We talked, for the first time in years, this morning.
I almost cried- because it was so emotional for me.
Just talking to her for almost an hour, she still understood me better than anyone.
I was SO happy to have found her.
I cried when telling my sister and Dave that I spoke to her and how much it affected me.
You know who you are- and if you are reading this- I love you with all my heart chickie. You freakin "get" me, ya know?!

After that I went with Levi to school for his second day.
I met other mothers there! Mothers with kids similar to mine!
We talked for almost TWO whole HOURS!
They understood the things I go through with my kids, and it was the first time ever- I really could relate to another mother, ever!
We even talked about "what's wrong with our husbands!"
I love that talk- wives really bond during this conversation.
And believe me, if or when my husband has a similar talk with his friends about their wives-
He could talk FOR HOURS- maybe even days with things that are wrong with me. Hello- I'm bipolar.
If you have a complaint about me- well...
Then GET IN LINE!
All their kids, went to the same school as Levi- at the same time!

I met all their kids, they were all SO beautiful and lovable.
On the ride home with Levi on the school bus- I thought about what a fantastic day today was. It was completely meant to be that I moved to Brooklyn.
I believe this now with everything I have.

On the ride home,
Levi fell asleep.
This is a photo from today- him sleeping with Kayla's Sonic hat (yup- I bought it for her for Christmas- and Lee borrowed it) over his eyes.

So far so good!!!

I feel blessed and very lucky.
Of course, that feeling might change later in the day- because I am bipolar after all. Emotions change from minute to minute, second to second.


Kisses Bitches!!!

You can find me on facebook, under The bipolar bible.
I'd love to hear from you!

DARN IT!

Tough times.
Money is dwindling. Our fridge and freezer is near empty.
Food stamps closed our case, because they do this to us, and everyone else, illegally for no fucking reason other than, they know most of us won't fight it because we don't know how.
They say always they sent a form for all of us to fill out- but they never did. And they know this.
It always happens to everyone around the same times of the year. It sucks!
Food Stamps SUCK! They know what they're doing is wrong. And it almost never happens to the people that don't need it, the one's that have money, but say they don't.
Which is definitely NOT the case of my family.
We're way behind on the rent, we have hardly any money for food. I'm trying to make sure I have money for diapers. We are overdrawn on our bank accounts. This SUCKS royally.
Thank GOD, I have family that orders us meat for our freezer once a month, it helps immensely, without that we'd be fucked, big time.
We ordered some food, making our accounts overdrawn because we had no choice.
I'm going to court on Thursday, hoping to get a big buyout from the landlord, instead of going back and forth to court all the time, and make all our problems disappear!
I don't know where we would move to, I'm looking at Brooklyn and even- gulp...New Jersey.
I have issues with Jersey, because there are many cancer clusters and their autism rates are sky high. But the living costs are really low, especially compared to the city.
I wish we could move someplace warm, like Florida, near Dave's family. But there are little to no jobs there. But that still is an option.
I have to find a place soon, hoping that the landlord gives us a decent buyout. We have enough of a case ( actually MORE than enough) against him, but he's not a good man, actually the opposite of a good man.
Things in the city are so expensive. I can't wait to move somewhere, that we could actually afford. I love my friends here, but I really don't have a choice to move far or not. If I won the lotto tomorrow, I'd be the happiest person alive. I would donate to numerous charities, and set up more shelters, better shelters for the homeless in the city. There are so many things I'd like to do, but need the money to do so.
My kids deserve better than this. I know I have family members that feel I should have never had children, because I couldn't afford to support them. But I learned this from my mom, if I waited till I could afford to have children, I wouldn't never had them. And I would never ever wish for Violet and Levi to not exist. Yeah we have a lot of money woes, but my kids are my life, without them, I'd probably not be here myself. So to those who feel I should of never had kids- I say, Fuck 'em.
A world without my children, is not a world I want to live in.
Besides, I've never played by the rules anyways.
I've always been a black sheep, so what makes now any different, huh?
Nothing, that's what.
I know there will be a time, in the (hopefully) near future, where money won't be the cause of my problems...I'm just awaited that time.
I hope it's closer than I realize, like how about, a week away?????
Please GOD! PLEASE!

I pray for a miracle, a huge miracle!!!

I wish for all of you, an abundance of health, wealth, happiness and love always.

God Bless.

An almost nervous breakdown

I went to court yesterday, without a lawyer, because I was having a hard time finding one that would take the case.
Spent half the day there...to come out with nothing.
I'm still seeking a lawyer. My sister went to the epilepsy clinic today, to find out she may be having seizures throughout the night! Which is why she wakes up in a daze. I'm terrified. All I keep picturing is when I thought she was dead and not breathing. I'm so scared. Plus now my son seems to be having seizures as well, as of two nights ago.
I hate this fucking apartment!
So yeah, now my sister will have to stay in the hospital for three days next week. Her and I are never apart, so I'm going to be totally losing it.
And Levi will have to do the same thing Violet had done in the hospital.
In the midst of all this, I'm really really ill, and have no time to get better. I didn't even have time to see the doctor today.
Dave has to go to food stamps yet again, because they closed our case AGAIN. Saying they mailed us things they never ever did. Why are poor people ALWAYS fucked with?!
Levi's also in the middle of evaluations from several different types of therapists.
Because he is experiencing many delays. Which means he'll be getting hours of therapy a week as well.
And on top of that, I'm trying to make sure everyone's eating what they are supposed to be eating, since I have three diabetics here (Dave and my dad) and another(my sister) who NEEDS sugar, constantly I have to make sure her blood sugar doesn't get low because that also leads to her having seizures.
It all came tumbling down on me today. Like it all of a sudden hit me- all the pressure, and stress.
I just laid down on the floor crying to myself. The whole time trying to pull myself together.
So it wasn't a full meltdown, because believe me I've had quite a few of those in the past.
I just feel like this is TOO much. Too much for me to possibly handle, but I have to, there's no choice.
I've got to do a million and two things in the next few weeks. and I can't even get myself better.
ARGH!!!!
I NEED a miracle RIGHT NOW!!!!
God?! Anyone???



Hopefully a miracle is on it's way!!!


More to come.

Asking God for a Miracle...

I posted a blog a few days ago- and I deleted it recently.
It was about my ongoing battle with people to try to understand why my husband can't work- right now.
My daughter has a terrible sleeping disorder that she will be in the hospital for, to see what's causing it. Once my daughter starts sleeping- hopefully soon when they figure out what's wrong- he would be more than happy to find work.
We WANT and NEED money to come in. It's not a choice to be this poor. It's horrible.
When buying toiletries- like soap, tissues, deodorant- you know the very very basics-nothing luxurious- can't be bought. It's fucking rough.
I went to SSI today because the money they promised me never came. And I owe a lot of rent- besides every other bill.
I went there- and was shit on- I have to go back with yet even more documents.
Meanwhile I saw a woman in a HUGE FUR COAT with her pimp- or crackhead husband- being helped just fine.
So needless to say this day was not going too well at all.
Dave and I were talking about what we're going to do- we need to move- but with what money? We need a buyout- but who would buy us out? If we moved out of the city- my daughter would lose her services. But it'd be better to lose her services than be evicted from our house.
Then a small fire happened in the kitchen- don't worry we're okay.
It was a grease fire on top of the stove- I was able to put it out easily- but the smell has yet to leave even hours later.
As I'm cleaning my burnt stove- I thank God that it wasn't worse.
But I'm asking for a miracle- a real miracle- not money to get us barely through the month- but to get us out of this situation.
I tell you one thing- being in this situation for so long- makes me really want to help the homeless and clean up the shelters- so that they are a safe place for people who need to be there.
Everyone is so quick to save a dog, cat or animal, and that's great- I want to save them too- but what about the people- that are dying of neglect and poverty- not overseas- but in our own neighborhood-
Being so close to be homeless- puts things in perspective. I've had this perspective for a long time now. Different things drive me- than what drives others.
Most have never been near eviction, or didn't have any money for food.
They don't know what to say to me when I tell them my situation.
I usually get the "oh, don't worry everything's gonna be okay."
They say this just because they really don't want to think about it- they just want to put a loose band-aid on it- and make me feel better.
But it's crap. If I met someone in my position- I'd be different- If it was in my power to help even a little- I would. I wouldn't say everything's gonna be okay- I'd make it okay for them.
I choose helping people in need over a puppy.
Sorry puppies- you're cute and all- and loveable- but someone will most likely fall in love with you and adopt you- no one adopts a grown homeless man do they?

Asking for a miracle...