Buzzcut and makeup

Did my makeup from bed.
And yes,  did a buzzcut. ..not from bed,  haha.
Always feel more like myself with a buzzcut. Always.

I try to grow it out due to what I see , colorful ,long hair and boredom.
But I always come back to my buzzcut because that's ME. That's what fits me.

I try on all different "hats" so to speak, but it never quite feels right.

I try to fit into society and what it wants from me but I never can.
Like doing my makeup the other day-
Mascara,  eyeliner,  eyebrow pencil, Lip liner and lipstick.
It felt like A LOT to me- and and lot of effort, it was tiring.

  Meanwhile 3 years ago I would've never left the house without makeup!! Ever! !! And a lot of it!
I change my look on a whim still.

Slowly and always trying to better myself and finding what I like compared to what society likes and what the difference is.

An almost nervous breakdown

I went to court yesterday, without a lawyer, because I was having a hard time finding one that would take the case.
Spent half the day there...to come out with nothing.
I'm still seeking a lawyer. My sister went to the epilepsy clinic today, to find out she may be having seizures throughout the night! Which is why she wakes up in a daze. I'm terrified. All I keep picturing is when I thought she was dead and not breathing. I'm so scared. Plus now my son seems to be having seizures as well, as of two nights ago.
I hate this fucking apartment!
So yeah, now my sister will have to stay in the hospital for three days next week. Her and I are never apart, so I'm going to be totally losing it.
And Levi will have to do the same thing Violet had done in the hospital.
In the midst of all this, I'm really really ill, and have no time to get better. I didn't even have time to see the doctor today.
Dave has to go to food stamps yet again, because they closed our case AGAIN. Saying they mailed us things they never ever did. Why are poor people ALWAYS fucked with?!
Levi's also in the middle of evaluations from several different types of therapists.
Because he is experiencing many delays. Which means he'll be getting hours of therapy a week as well.
And on top of that, I'm trying to make sure everyone's eating what they are supposed to be eating, since I have three diabetics here (Dave and my dad) and another(my sister) who NEEDS sugar, constantly I have to make sure her blood sugar doesn't get low because that also leads to her having seizures.
It all came tumbling down on me today. Like it all of a sudden hit me- all the pressure, and stress.
I just laid down on the floor crying to myself. The whole time trying to pull myself together.
So it wasn't a full meltdown, because believe me I've had quite a few of those in the past.
I just feel like this is TOO much. Too much for me to possibly handle, but I have to, there's no choice.
I've got to do a million and two things in the next few weeks. and I can't even get myself better.
ARGH!!!!
I NEED a miracle RIGHT NOW!!!!
God?! Anyone???



Hopefully a miracle is on it's way!!!


More to come.