Ode

Oh, delicious Cup O' Joe,
How I love thee.
Please get me through thy day
For my Levi didn't sleep a wink last night
And I barely hit the hay.
I need you more then ever today, Cup O' Joe.
How you are always there for me
I love thee,
Times three.💖

This is my Ode to my Cup O' Joe.

Levi had another sleepless night last night, common for kids with autism.

He kept me up too, with questions all night like, "Why aren't  I sleeping?" "When is it morning already? " All night long.

Coffee is my friend. 

I need you Joe.

Don't lemme down. 

Dinosaur Party

Happy 10th birthday, Violet!!!!(she's on the left)
Dinosaur party time! You light up my life everyday and every night. You have taught me, continue to teach me how to grow as a person, to love and be loved.
I will never be able to repay you enough.
I thank you for choosing me as your parent and as your student in life.
I promise to always continue to listen to you and try to understand you in the best way I possibly can and not only be your mom but your advocate in life - to fight for your rights as a human being
You are a beautiful beautiful beautiful soul.
You forever inspire me to be a BETTER mom, sister, daughter, friend, human.
I will forever be thankful for you and to you.

As I always tell you everyday and night-

I love you more than the moon, the stars and the sky.

Happy happy happy birthday my love.

Autism💜

I posted a video on instagram of me playing with my sweetpea, Violet !She's my oldest and soon will be turning 10 years old this week!
Showing her my earrings I got 3 months ago from my sister,  that I never got a chance to wear and finally decided to dress up.

My earrings say "Can you not".
Not something I can usually wear to doctor appts.

Lula wanted to play with makeup this morning. At 7 am on Sunday.
Yes this is me "dressed up"
I told you I  wear hoodies and sweatshirts all the time.
This is my FANCIEST 😎 sweatshirt 😂-it says SHITAKE HAPPENS.
My life to a T.
And I laugh at it.

Violet has Autism,  as do all my children. 

They are all very different from each other -
like every child on the autism spectrum,  NO child is alike.

And they all completely own my heart. 

And I wouldn't EVER  have them any other way NEVER EVER.

They are perfect the way they are.
I'm so proud of them,  and how much they've taught me and we continue  to grow and learn together as a family, as a team.

So I guess my earrings mean-
CAN YOU NOT tell me-

-you are so sorry to hear my child/children has autism.
-if I just would parent them better
-what do I think CAUSED it?
-they don't  LOOK autistic, or AT LEAST they don't LOOK autistic.

Or GIVE me any type of parenting advice whatsoever. Period.
IF I HAVEN'T ASKED.

Instead of feeling pity-
Because I'm not upset, I feel so lucky to have my children in my life. After 4 miscarriages, I have 3 wonderful blessings!

Offer a play date! A ladies night out? ( or Guy's?  them? They?)
Help with cleaning?
Helping with shopping?

Offering things that HELP us with TIME. And mostly friendship😊

Facing my demons

Some days are a LOT harder than others.  Posting selfies is a lot harder than  it looks for people like me. Especially during certain dark times.
This #selflovebootcamp is kicking my assand has become a huge trigger for me and all my insecurities, my hurt and past traumas.
  I know though this is actually something I NEED TO FACE AND GO THROUGH its just extremely difficult. I admit I was starving myself again.  It was doing nothing to change my weight really,  since I have hashimotos disease, and am going through menopause ( due to a full hysterectomy and hormones not working), and medication, the list goes on, I'm mostly in a wheelchair.

I'm FORCING myself to EAT an apple right now and oatmeal this morning literally forced it down my throat.
Every time I think I've got this recovery thing down, it's tricked me.
And then I have to take a good hard look at myself and say is this what I want my kids to see???
And go through themselves? ??
I want them to be confident, strong, never doubt how beautiful  they are INSIDE and OUTSIDE!
Yet here I am, the hypocrite.
I'm crying several times a day.
Facing many of my demons-
Bipolar disorder
Body dysmorphia
Eating disorder
depression
anxiety
chronic illnesses
autism
adhd
mom
On and on

Trying to be the BEST MOMMY I CAN BE!
Pouring FROM THE MOST EMPTY CUP EVER!

I am facing my fears head  on and I am terrified.
But So glad I am doing this.
I am glad I'm forcing myself to eat.
And facing my "demons".

Are you going through something similar?

Diagnosis and Christmas

Levi was recently diagnosed with PDD-NOS, with "the most severe symptoms of autism".
He's under two years old- and they don't diagnose most kids with Autism this early.
Everyone I tell, goes "Awww" or "Shit!" or "Fuck!!!"
I'm always surprised and kind of amused by this reaction.
I went through all this with Violet over two years ago.
I went through a whole week of crying thinking- "What did I do during my pregnancy that caused this?" Or just flat out "How did I cause this?"
Blaming myself- most parents go through this in the beginning.
I'm way past this stage. Even though people ask me all the time "Do I know what caused it in both my kids? Did I do something different?" All the usual inappropriate questions people ask.
These things happen- yes and it happened twice to me.
But I don't ever wish for my kids to be different than what they are.
Yeah, Levi cries a lot and bangs his head a lot, but he also makes me laugh so much and loves me more than I ever believed possible.
Violet is also hilarious!! And has the very best laugh I've ever heard in my entire life!
I love them both so much- just the way they are- I don't believe in "curing" them.
This is so stupid to me. And I believe it makes the kids feel that they are "wrong" in some way.
Now Levi will be getting a lot more therapy and might even go to a school for two hours a day.
It's a big change for him, but I know it helps a lot in the end.
Many of my friends have no clue how to "handle" my kids.
When we're in a restaurant all together- and my daughter is eating cream cheese with her fingers and there's cream cheese all over her hair and face! The whole time- smiling and laughing to herself- just SO darn happy!
Levi crying in the highchair.
They get embarrassed.
This is so ridiculous to me- I mean "GET OVER IT!"
Where I go- my kids go- that's just the way things are.
I don't have money for babysitters- plus I don't trust anyone with taking proper care of my children. I knew many babysitters and they were a disgrace!
Especially since I babysat for over 13 years!!! I would've done anything for these kids- I treated them like they were my own. They even slept over my house.
I would've taken a bullet for them- yeah- when I take care of a child- that's the way it goes and is supposed to be- kid- first, YOU- LAST!
If you don't feel this way- DON'T take care of kids! You SUCK at it!!! Give UP!
Seriously! You suck!
That's why I don't trust nannies or babysitters.
But like I said- I can't afford them anyways.
I barely trust my family watching my kids.
Especially since Levi is even more destructive to himself lately.
He feel on his head twice in five minutes last night- thank goodness for carpeting!!!
I love my kids- and yes it is a challenge shopping with them and running errands- but that's what I gotta do.
Plus I miss them when they're not with me.
EXCEPT for last night- when I went to the supermarket by myself for a few things (seltzer I cannot live without you- you complete me!!!).
The kids were with Dave and Kayla at home.
I smiled at everyone, started conversations and went through every single aisle just plain HAPPY.
Everyone smiled back- and was so super nice!
It only lasted a few minutes- the shopping experience- but it was bliss!!
We got our Christmas Tree yesterday and put it together (fake of course- otherwise my kids would be EATING the TREE!!!)
Levi was rocking back and forth smiling staring at the lights on the tree, Violet was even teaching him NOT to pull the lights on the tree. She just pulled his hand away from the lights and said "Nah nah nah" In her sweet little baby girl voice!!
It was exciting!
We haven't put the ornaments on the tree yet- I'll be taking photos and recording when we do!
This is the first year that Violet is aware of Christmas. It's really special.


Kisses Bitches!

So don't say "Awww" or pity me- that's stupid.
All I ask is that you understand. That's all.
Not TOO difficult, right?

*photo of Levi with a christmas tree hat in a shopping cart

My apartment hunting saga of 2010 continues

We found an apartment, one we all like. Big enough and with lots of sunshine!
Totally different from our hellhole of apartment we have now.
No daylight- and the whole place is falling apart on us.
Our current shitty building's new handyman- told us he's never seen an apartment so neglected by a landlord before. And that our landlord is the worst he's ever come across- and that's saying a lot.
We filled out all the applications- and it looked like everything was going well.
Till I got a call today from the broker asking me about our old housing court case.
I explained everything. How my kids and I have been ill consistently for over a year now due to the amount of mold on our ceiling, and all the other problems with the apartment that the landlord never had any intention of actually FIXING. He just wanted to paint OVER IT!
I even got a call from a painter TODAY- telling me he heard from "management" that we need painting done and some cabinets fixed.
I said "uhhh- WHAT?! We are moving at the end of November!"
He replied "Does the management know about this?"
"Uh- YEAH- they DO!"
"oh okay, I'll talk to management."
I told him "Nothing will be done in this apartment till we're gone. You got it?!"
"ok."

Are you serious?! Some painting and cabinet work? Oh my gosh they have no clue- well actually they do know what needs to be done in this apartment but they are TOO CHEAP and such freaking bastards- that they'll do nothing and let it be the person's (who buys this hellhole) problem.
Such pricks!!!

I took Levi to a new sensory gym this morning.
Now I've told several people including therapists- that he FREAKS out with change. He'll have a total meltdown - even when I'm pushing the stroller and I stop at a red light.
But they all think I'm exaggerating.
Well NOT ANYMORE!
I took Lee to the gym- the minute we entered the lobby- he freaked out started screaming at the top of his lungs!
His new occupational therapist (o.t. for short) was so surprised at Levi's reaction.
He asked me if something happened? I replied- "Yeah- I came here!"
The rest of the session- over an hour including waiting time in the lobby- he screamed the entire time!!!
Me oh MY!
And yesterday his physical therapist was spinning him in her arms really fast- instead of making him excited- like it does Violet (she LOVES spinning)- Levi FELL ASLEEP!
We were both shocked!!! We have never even heard of a kid doing this!!
Could YOU falling asleep SPINNING?????!!!!
I doubt it.
I told my mom-"Levi takes Autism to a whole new level!"
We both cracked up- I have to deal with all these things with a really really good sense of humor- otherwise I'd be crying every single day.

On another note- yesterday Dave and I had a talk.
He didn't like the way he's portrayed in my blog.
The talk ended with me crying-
I do speak the truth in my blog- just so you know- I don't sugar coat myself- I've always said I'm an asshole.
Second- know that any blog, or book from one person's point of view is always skewed.
The way YOU look at the world is completely different from the way another person views the world- every person's view is a very skewed one.

I understand the frustration Dave feels.
I do see where he's coming from.
I do complain a lot and argue a lot.
I feel bad about this, most times.

All this said- I explained to him-
I don't think he knows how much I believe in him.
For the record-
He is brilliant. He is a way better writer than I will ever be. I'm a hack- I've told you this.
He has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known.
He's my best friend.
I feel he needs help- because the person I KNOW is inside him- the person I love spending time with, sharing my thoughts with, the person I married- is being taken over by "something else".
Someone that is angry most of the time, is anti-social and wants to sleep all the time- much like the way he describes me when I was full blown manic (except for the sleeping all the time)- "like there was a demon who had taken over the person he loved."
That is the same way I feel about him now.
If I didn't feel that way- that the Dave I love and care about is still in there- I wouldn't be here. Still trying to "fix" us.
The hope that we can get rid of this demon- and let the wonderful, kind, caring, loving, funny, brilliant Dave I know and love come through- is what keeps me going.

Sometimes I see this Dave shine through- sometimes it's at 3 o'clock in the morning. We will be talking and laughing and all I'll want is for this moment to last forever, while knowing in the back of my mind it won't last much longer. That feeling makes me sad.
But I have hope that things will change.
I do believe people can change- and change for the better.
I did.
He believed in me all along, stayed with me through thick and thin, forgave me for so much.

I pray we will get this new apartment,
-we will be healthy and not sick all the time anymore
-we will have money
-we will be happy
 -that any "evil" presence that is here now with us now in this hellhole- keeping us down, will no longer be with us and we can finally shine and have a great life.

Kisses Bitches doesn't seem appropriate right now for this blog- so instead-

God Bless you and I wish you an abundance of health, wealth, happiness and love always.


Oh and I pray I'll WIN THE LOTTERY!

*photo of a sensory room (not the one Violet or Lee goes to) It's like a big gymnastics room- fully padded.
Violet's school has one gym like this and ANOTHER with different lights, toys, and sounds - it's the most awesome place I've ever been- EVER!

The Strange and Bizarre

Levi has been screaming for what seems like ever at this point.

I'm going to ask for a psychological evaluation for him, sooner than later.
Some ( very rare) days he's happy go lucky and in a good mood.
But mostly he's upset- he's very up and down- not a calm baby at all.


Before you go "That's ALL babies"- let me stop you write there. I'm not complaining about some normal crying- I do have a daughter that is autistic- and I do see the signs.
Unlike most people- this doesn't upset me- I just want him to get the help he needs- sooner rather than later. I think this makes sense.

Some people tell him- that both my daughter and son "look normal". I don't know what most people think autistic kids "look like"- but they do look like normal, regular kids. I don't know if people think autistic kids "look special" or handicapped. Truthfully I don't even know what "looking special" even means.
Both my kids look like regular kids- period.


It's such a weird thing to say anyways.


Or people tell him, I'm being paranoid- my daughter was diagnosed by professionals- same with my son. It's strange now that my daughter isn't in early intervention anymore- but now my son is. Early Intervention and CPSE are completely different.


On another note- yesterday was odd.
It was Violet's first day of school- and it didn't go well- surprise!!!
Dave thought she'd be fine- I knew different.
She had a tough day- and fell asleep really early last night- when she suffers any type of "trauma" (including having a temper tantrum) in the day she will fall right to sleep. Which is really bad when she's in the middle of therapy and she has a breakdown- because then she passes out- it's like the "fainting goats"! If you don't know what this is- look it up- it's hilarious!
Bizarre, I know.


Yesterday Dave slept almost all day- when I finally had to wake him up around 3 in the afternoon, he was groggy and not in a good mood.
I was talking to my friend about my grandmother's dementia and how I feel about it- how my grandma doesn't recognize me at all anymore- or even know my name- when out of nowhere Dave said "I'm OK with it" with an attitude.
We both just turned to look at him- like "What the hell is wrong with you?!"
He didn't understand why I was upset by that comment AT ALL.
After that I wasn't in a good mood- because I wasn't understanding him one bit.


The rest the day Dave was acting very strange.
He apologized later for what he said- but I was still confused about the whole thing.
Dave and I have been arguing a lot- I've been telling him- that he's changed so much- and sometimes I just don't understand him anymore.
I know he feels like our apartment is a trap- and I totally agree.


Just yesterday ( you all know how I've been saying this apartment is haunted) with my friend at my house- something happened.
Everyone was in the living room- my friend, the kids, Dave and I, everyone else was out, the baby monitor was on in the bedroom- an d all of a sudden we heard a noise- and then a whole lot of noise in our bedroom- my friend is a witness!- like someone was in there destroying our room!
I said to Dave "What the Fuck was that?!"
He replied "Probably your dad?"
Both my friend and I replied-"NO ONE else is HOME!"
I sent him to the room to check what happened.
Nothing seemed out of place- it was SO BIZARRE!


But this time I have a witness! Yo! I TOLD YOU ALL THIS PLACE WAS HAUNTED!
It's like there's a bad spirit just keeping us all miserable here.
I can't wait to finally leave.


Maybe then we'll be happy- I hope.



I pray every night that things will work out and everything will be okay, that we will all be happy ( and healthy) again soon.






Thanks for listening.

*old photo of my grandma and me- I was about 9 years old here- and very very tan- with very very long hair- probably the last time I ever had very long hair).

Why do these things bother me?

Yesterday I was a bit depressed, I didn't have a particular reason, just the usual up and downs of being bipolar.

Plus Dave and Kayla got into an argument last night, which turned into an argument between him and I. I've mention before Dave has "anger issues". He promised me, he'd get help. All was going well until last night, when he blew his top over absolutely nothing.

It took awhile to calm him down but eventually he did. He did apologize to Kayla and I.

I just wish it wouldn't get to that point.

Him and I have been under a lot of stress lately, as well as the rest of the household but this isn't that unusual.

I understand his rage- I used to be filled with it myself. Breaking several things in the house- I had a horrible temper- really bad. But I HAD to calm down after having Violet, for me there wasn't any choice. I don't want my babies growing up witnessing that kind of rage.

Dave is going to get help, I'm glad to say.

I found out last night that a neighbor of mine recently had another baby. She had just had one a year ago and she's much older than I am. This made me really sad. I'm happy for her, but having a miscarriage myself recently and still wanting to have another child, it upset me.

Why do these things bother me?

I didn't sleep well last night, and neither did the kids. Levi was up for a large portion of the night. I finally fell asleep at 6 A.M. this morning and woke up at 8. Between that time I had horrible nightmares about my children. I really hate those kind of dreams.

Violet woke up shaking from a fever- why she has one, I don't know. She and Lee get high fevers at least once a month, and the doctor doesn't know why.

A few months ago, when Dave was in full-on anger mode- he said a very hurtful thing to me in the heat of his anger "If all our kids aren't going to come autistic- maybe we should just stop having them!" I was so upset by that comment and cried for awhile.

These kinds of comments, I know aren't like Dave to say. He's a very kind, loving, caring person- but this rage takes over him.

A couple of days ago he said something that really touched me- " I hope all our kids come out special- because we have some great kids." (something like that)

And it made me so happy- because THAT'S my David!

I feel the same way- I'm not afraid if more of my children are autistic, or even if they are "normal", they are my babies, and I feel very very blessed to have them. They are my life- they are the reason I live. PERIOD. And nothing, no diagnosis could ever change that.

Thanks for listening.

Living

I feel like I'm living at the doctor's office nowadays. My kids are not well most of the time, as am I- so we know all the nurses and all the doctors at numerous offices now.

I'm on the phone with a doctor almost everyday- scheduling appointments and such.

Yesterday I took my daughter to the doctors, then came home and went to another doctor's appointment for myself.

I was running around yesterday all over town!

I'm still trying to schedule a sonogram for my daughter of her kidneys because the doctor feels she has a problem. I've faxed over AND emailed her referral for this damn sonogram multiple times- each time they say they never received it. Violet's doctor is on my back about scheduling this appointment because he's afraid of Violet having kidney failure. That's why she's on daily antibiotics- to keep her kidneys clean and healthy. Finally I just gave her doctor the fax number and phone number for him to do it himself. I thought maybe, just maybe he'd have better luck than me.

I like that I finally have a relationship with my kids' doctor. Before this doctor, we saw several doctors, all not remembering who the fuck we were most of the time.

This doctor has us on speed dial! And he actually listens to me and trusts me when I say something is wrong. Which most doctors tend not to believe.

Most days we have two doctors appointments to go to- for the exception of today- phew! Finally one day with no appointments other than my kids' therapies. Violet has been imitating more sounds lately, which is GREAT!

Last night Violet and Dave had a roaring contest! Obviously Dave won, but Violet came close!

It's so funny to hear Violet, my three year old daughter, roar! Both Levi and Violet have a new speech and physical therapist. I'm very excited about speech, because I'll be learning several new signs to do with both Lee and Vi. I've always wanted to learn sign language- especially since both my parents are hard of hearing- and we've all been making up our own sign language to communicate with each other for a long time now. It's pretty hilarious!

I started Violet with sign language when she was three months old, but it never took. She does a few signs now, but I'm hoping with this new therapist, Lee and Vi will learn how to communicate better. It's always a guessing game as to what they want- it'll be nice to have to guess less and know more. Besides all our financial and health woes- these are very exciting times. Violet has come a very long way- and is progressing very nicely. I can't wait to see Lee do the same.

Early Intervention has helped my family so very much- I will be forever grateful to them for all their help. Besides the therapists, our early intervention social worker is amazing. These wonderful people have become part of my family and they will always be welcome in my home.

Therapists are always stunned by me when we're in the playground with Violet. She can be a little aggressive with kids when she wants them to hurry up the stairs on down the slide- and the parents of the child my daughter just pushed always- I mean always- gives me a dirty, stank look. As if to say I can't control my child- to which I have now learned to matter of factly reply- "She's autistic, Okay?!". Instead of apologizing over and over again, because I know my daughter didn't mean any harm.

The look on the parents face is always priceless- because then they have no clue what to say to me- they don't know to say " I'm sorry to hear that" or "I understand" or "I have no idea what to say because I'm an asshole, and only see my child once a week and my child doesn't even call my mommy. So who am I to say anything to you about your parenting skills".

You know something like that. The therapists are always shocked because I say this without even blinking. I'm not embarrassed by any means of Violet being autistic, and I plan to raise her to never ever feel she should be ashamed of this. Actually I want her to be open and up front about it at all times. Fuck people's reactions. She's special, and a truly wonderfully sweet, kind , beautiful girl- that just so happens to be autistic. Which I feel makes her even more unique and even more lovable.

That's probably why I'm so upfront about myself being bipolar. It makes me...ME.

And totally unique in every way. Fuck people's thoughts, ideas or misconceptions- I learned a long long time ago, not to give a damn. And being more open about myself and made me more comfortable in my own skin. I want the same for my kids.

Anyways- that's my rant for the day.

Kisses to my special bitches!

*photo found on one of Dave's late night hunts for funny photos on the internet.

Bug bite???

Today didn't go so well. Levi had another evaluation today by early intervention, and they think he has some early warning signs of autism. Yeah...so...
He's been banging his head against the crib repeatedly, lately. Just like Violet used to a long long time ago.
Never a dull moment, huh?
My sister is doing terribly, and they think they saw something on her heart...so we're worried of course.
Violet woke me up at 3 A.M. screaming and wanting to sleep with me. So I knew something was hurting her, it ended up being her stomach. The screaming went on until we gave her medicine. But it took awhile to work. So she didn't go to school today. Later on she seemed to be feeling a little better, so I thought Shannon and I could take her to the playground.
We went to the playground, and Violet was acting nuts!!! Not looking where she was going. And running really fast with no regard for her safety whatsoever. Which made Shannon and I really nervous.
Earlier in the day, before Violet had therapy, Dave and I were in the bedroom putting the kids down for a nap. He took this time to lecture me. Aw, what a great day.
He asked me if I was looking to "check out". Meaning kill myself, to which I was shocked, because that's probably the worst thing I could possibly do, since I don't trust anyone with my kids. So "checking out" early is NOT an option.
I know he's worried about me, and knows I am really truly stressed out, especially since we don't have a lawyer now.
ARGH!
Dave told me, I wasn't eating, to which I argued, and then he stated I'm eating just enough to survive, which I do agree with. But really it's because...well ever since my multiple hospital stays, I've learned NOT to eat when emotional. So I don't eat when stressed out, at least not a lot. Also I never eat things I don't like. I'm not offending anyone, because no one cooks for me. So if I'm not thrilled with what's available in the house, I simply don't eat. I know this is not always a good thing. If I had my way and the money, I'd go to order take-out or go out to restaurants all the time. I love different kinds of cuisine. Especially Latin.
Back to what I was talking about- today wasn't going so well. The lawyer we were talking to didn't help us the way we'd hoped for. So I got to keep looking.
While at the playground, I felt a pain in my arm, and to my surprise noticed a HUGE bruise!!! HUGE! It was on my forearm tattoo, almost as big as the whole thing!
And it hurt!
I have no idea where it came from. I don't know if it's an allergic reaction to a bug bite of some sort or what. I felt dizzy on and off today, really not feeling well and this damn sore throat won't go away.
DAMN! Man, I wanna catch a break so badly.
I'm trying to think positively, and like my boy Marco says, have faith in God.
I'm trying so hard to believe every thing's going to work out just fine. It just seems so difficult at the moment.

Anyways- here's a photo of my ummmm...bug bite???
CRAZY, right?!!!
Oh yes and to all you fellow fantasy geeks, yes my tattoo is from the movie The Dark Crystal. And yeah-IT DOES FREAKIN' ROCK!


Kisses Bitches!!!!
More to come...

Yesterday was a long day.

Yesterday was a very long day.
Violet got sick from the hospital, and later that day got a fever and a bad sinus infection. She felt horrible.
I was able to get an emergency appointment with her doctor. Levi had an appointment the same day, because I needed a form for WIC to be filled out by their doctor.
Violet got high dose antibiotics, and Levi got a check up as well.
I've been saying to many many people, that I feel Levi is not where he's supposed to be developmentally. And still, even after everything I've been through with Violet, people still think I'm paranoid. I've also been noticing Levi's left eye going in a totally different direction than his right eye.
So the doctor, looked at him, asked me many questions, and saw what I saw.
He told me to contact Early intervention (the services my daughter gets) for Levi to get evaluated RIGHT AWAY. I hadn't even mentioned to him at that point, that I felt he was behind.
He told me Levi also had a lazy left eye. And that everything I've been feeling was spot on.
This doctor is our family doctor. Dave also sees him. The doctor asked me why Dave hasn't come for a follow up to his physical? I asked him if Dave was diabetic. The doctor said "Yes".
And then told me, how he's sure Dave wants to be around for me and the kids and he has to change his ways now, if he wants to be able to be around for us.
It was quite a shock for Dave, when we got home and I told him the news.
So now he's way more serious about getting healthy, thank goodness.
Man, my family's been having it rough. Just tonight Violet puked. She feels terrible.
I feel terrible that my kids are sick all the time. And now I find out, what Dave and I have thought for years, is true. There is mold in my apartment, and that's definitely making us sick.
I wish we could get out of here so badly. I want the best for my kids and I feel like I'm not giving it to them by being in this apartment. I hope the landlord makes a huge turnaround, and offers a juicy buyout. I would move to a place with a backyard, where I can have a garden, know my neighbors.
Here's to wishing. Anyone know an affordable lawyer?? Or at least a lawyer that works pro-bono???

Let me know!!!!

Kisses my beautiful and crazy bitches!!!

Violet's hospital stay

Dave and I stayed overnight in the hospital last night with our daughter Violet.
It was probably one of the longest day/night's ever.
Thank goodness Shannon was there with us when we got there. She keep Violet busy with games and toys.
Then it came time to "hook" Violet up. This was to test if Violet was having any seizures that were keeping her from sleeping.
26 wires were hooked up to Violet. During that time Shannon and I worked hard to keep her occupied. I brought a portable DVD player with me that I borrowed from my aunt, but the battery died 5 minutes into Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (her fave show of all time). So Shannon and I sang, counted, did everything we could think of. Dave was getting Violet something to drink, and couldn't be let into he room, because then it would disrupt the process.
Violet cried and cried. In the end her head was wrapped tightly, then all the wires were wrapped, which connected to a heavy small bag that she had to carry like a messenger bag, which then attached to a wall monitor. She was under video surveillance the entire stay.
After the crying she eventually calmed down, especially when she saw the playroom.
I thought- wow, it's not that bad. But then I found out the playroom closed at 6 P.M!!! Which is nowhere near the time she goes to sleep. And it didn't open until 10 A.M! Dave and I were jumping trying to entertain her for 14 hours in a very tiny room!!!! She slept better there than at home, she still woke up every 5 minutes but she did go back to sleep until about 5 A.M. We were exhausted, mentally and physically. I had not been feeling well for days now, and Dave was still sick with a sinus infection- so we were not up to par at all.
The rest of the day we spent chasing her because she wanted to run all over the pediatric neurology unit.
The doctor eventually came and told us, she's not having seizures, but they need to do more testing. Probably an MRI, eventually and she had her blood taken twice for genetic testing, to make sure her autism won't get worse.
I told the doctor my kids and I are always sick, we get sick every month. To which, FINALLY, a doctor said "That's not normal. We have to find out what's wrong."
Thank GOD! So both my children and I, hopefully soon will be having more tests done. And hopefully get some FUCKING answers.
Violet is a warrior, she is amazing. Everyone loved her there. Thank you to all the wonderful nurses that helped us during our stay. Thank you to Shannon and my awesome social worker, and honorary family member, Michelle, for coming, showing support and helping us through this difficult times. We loved you both so much.

*photo of my princess and her lovey, Gorilla.

Peace, love and baby bottles,
Till next time.

ARGH!

So last night I had nightmares. I woke Dave up, which I rarely do, for nightmares that is, and ...get this...cuddled. I DON'T cuddle. I'm not an affectionate person really. So it scared me bad, and I felt like maybe with my face pressed up against his back- because he's not used to me asking to cuddle- maybe then the nightmares wouldn't continue. They were very vivid. I don't remember all of it, but I do remember demons being in my dreams and instead of fighting them, I just gave in.
And I was pissed off in my dream because I knew I SHOULD be fighting, but I didn't.
I didn't get what my dream meant until a few minutes ago. I'll explain.
Today was Violet's CPSE meeting. For those of you who don't know- that's Committee for Preschool Special Education- through the Board of Ed.
My oh my, I had such high hopes for this meeting. I wanted for Violet to continue her home services, even after going to a new school.
I was shut down the minute the words left my mouth, at the meeting.
Thank goodness for Shannon, Violet's ABA therapist was there sitting right next to me. Without her- I would have cried. The new school wanted her to start, to my surprise, THIS COMING MONDAY!!! Instead of the summer, like we had planned.
And that would mean NO more Shannon, no more speech, no more occupational therapy- the whole shabang- WHOOSH- GONE! Starting Monday?!
Were they crazy?!
I was able to get it pushed till the end on June- but I'm beside myself, thinking What am I going to do without these wonderful people???
I find myself thinking- I should have fought harder- screamed, anything- to get what Violet needed. But I felt all this red tape in the way!!!
I mean- does anyone know about SO many of the Early Intervention (kids age newborns to 3 years old) services being CUT!!! By Governor Patterson??!!!
He cut these amazing services for these AMAZING kids who need them so badly- to save money!!! This is the WORST IDEA ever!!! And I can't believe it went through!!!
Why doesn't anyone know about this??? Why isn't this on the news???
The rate of kids with Autism is 1 out of 100 now, and they CUT these services- that help these wonderful children. Fuck THAT!
I would apologize for my rage- but no, this is justified. What Patterson did was WRONG!
And now the Board of Ed, is cutting back on services as well. This is infuriating!
So now I see what my dream meant- I didn't fight. I just let it happen.
Technically I DID fight- just not hard enough. I felt helpless, hopeless.
But now, I know I'm not going to give up- I'm going to be on this guy's back until he sees what I see. That my daughter NEEDS these extra therapies, and that she is making progress by leaps and bounds with their help.

I'm preparing for battle. I got my war paint. It's ON, bitches!

Violet's Gluten free progress- 3 months in...

Violet has been on a gluten free diet for almost 3 months now. And the progress is remarkable. She's a different girl, for sure.
I can't believe my eyes sometimes and the things she's doing and understanding now.
I heard that it can take a long time- even years for the gluten to completely leave a child's system- but I never imagined the difference it could make.
Believe me- this diet is extremely difficult but she makes it look easy. It's still hard finding things she'll like to eat- because she's a problem feeder- but she LOVES the Gluten free ( also known as GF) french toast I make and gobbles up all kinds of fruit.
She now reacts to her name being called. She never did this before. If I tell her to "come here" she actually will. She's responding to verbal commands- another first.
And her signing ( she doesn't speak yet- she uses signs to communicate her needs) had become ten times better. She used to confused the signs- now she rarely does.
She can focus for longer periods of time and she waves "hi" and "bye". She's still very hyper- but I have a feeling- that's just her. She loves jumping, running, flipping, climbing- all things physical and challenging. And it turns out she knows her numbers- numbers 1-10. Which is freaky for a two year old. She's puts numbers in order all the time and can solve very difficult puzzles. These are her gifts.
I hope you don't feel I'm bragging- because it's nothing of the sort. For so long- I've heard nothing but- "she's behind in this. She cannot do this..." and so on. So I'm extremely grateful for these moments. I always knew she was capable of many many things. She's my princess and her therapists are really impressed with her. I think she surpassed their expectations.
Each day is a brand new day for her to learn new things. I admire her strength and determination. She never gives up- ever.
I'm thankful to have her as my daughter- I'm sure she'll be teaching me many things in the near future.

Love you all!!!

*photo is of my daughter when she was 4 months old

Violet WAVES for the first time!!!

After going Gluten free December 1st 2009, we've seen such a huge difference in Violet. She makes more eye contact, she's focusing better, and now for the first time EVER- she waved!!!
She waved yesterday to her therapist Shannon, but we weren't sure if it was a wave for hello or to tell Shannon to get away!
Today she did it twice- once to say hello to Shannon and again to say goodbye!!!
I'm not sure if she understands exactly what it means- she probably thinks it's a weird thing we do to other people, for some bizarre reason- and you know what?! I'll take it!!!
I'm so happy. I had a really good day today, things seem to be falling into place.
AMEN!

More to come...

Violet's Autism

Violet may never "recover" or communicate. I had to come to terms with this fact last night. That the life I had in mind for her may never exist.
She may be severely autistic forever- and never be able to communicate what she's feeling, thinking or wants and needs.
She may never become the stunt woman I thought she'd become or be able to function without any help.
It kinda hit me like a ton of bricks last night after seeing the neurologist earlier that day.
Dave and I were talking and it was a real eye opener for me.
Don't get me wrong I still have very high hopes for her, but I also needed to realize the reality of the situation.
My daughter might have tantrums everyday, scream her head off everyday, cry everyday, for the rest of her life. That COULD happen. The opposite could also happen- she could be a normal functioning person, who doesn't need any extra help to get through each day.
Either way I'm thankful to have her as my daughter. And although each day is so difficult and a struggle, I love her with all my heart and look forward to each laugh and smile of hers.
I'm also thankful to have my son, Levi. So that I can be assured even when my husband and I are not around for when Violet gets old, her brother will be there to help take care of her.

Just wanted to share what was on my mind.
Thanks for listening. Stay tuned for more.

Jan. 20th in the hospital

Today Violet saw a special neurologist for kids with disabilities.
It was comforting being in a room filled with special kids and parents of special kids. Most of the parents were exhausted and one fell asleep with her head up against the wall. Parents that knew my daily struggles.
The neurologist was fantastic.
Shannon ( Violet's ABA therapist) was there, thankfully with plenty of cool toys and books to keep Vi happy.
Violet will be going into the hospital on Jan. 20th for 24 hours. She'll be under observation and will having many tests done that day. Dave and I will be there with her the whole time. My mom will stay with my son.
I'm nervous, very nervous- but I know it's necessary to find out what's going on in Vi's head. Hopefully she's not having seizures- since I haver had several seizures in the past. This will help us treat her sleep disorder- and I won't have to listen to any more parents (of "regular" kids) advice on getting her to sleep at night.
Because all of their advice never works- and they think I'm not trying hard enough.
Whatever! All of you who know me- know that I've tried everything.
Wish my daughter luck- that she gets through the hospital stay and finally gets some answers.

Peace, love and gluten free nuggets,
Ciao!

Many doctor appt. for Violet

I took Vi to the dermatologist today. And we finally now know why Violet has so many skin problems- she has eczema!!!
And all she needed was some meds for it and hopefully she'll stop ripping her skin off.
Thank goodness we finally have an answer.
Now it makes me wonder if my son and I have it to.
That means more doctors visits for everyone. This is exhausting- but it's good to get some answers. What a relief.
Anyways, sorry I haven't written in awhile- things have been nuts. I spent most of the weekend cooking and cleaning. Major cleaning. I'm quite proud actually.
But I still gotta clean the kitchen- isn't that always the hardest place to clean.
I'm dreading the work- but looking forward to the reward- a clean house!
That will last a day. At least with so many people running around the house.
Big families know the deal- nothing stays clean for long. Nothing!
Violet has a neurologist appt. on Wednesday- I'm really nervous.
The dermatologist didn't even touch her and she was screaming her head off the entire visit. Thank goodnes for her ABA therapist, that came with us. We love you Shannon!
He did say that she will need the large cyst on her neck removed. OUCH! At 2 and a half years old!
That will be a bad day- very bad.
We're going to the neurologist to see what is causing her to be constantly awake- and have a sleeping disorder.
She might be having seizures- which are very common with Autistic children.

Wish us luck.
Happy new Year to everyone!
Have a happy, healthy and wealthy new year!
God bless you.

The new Gluten free diet and my daughter

We started on December 6th. And yes, we made a few mistakes here and there.
But I'm starting to get the hang of it. At least at home- where the Internet is close by and I can check if something is gluten free or not.
I haven't even tried to be casein-free. I do want my daughter to be GFCF eventually.
But one thing at a time.
I came across this AMAZING site- called the GFCF lady. http://www.thegfcflady.com
It's the best gf ( gluten free) site I've ever seen.
First of all, she's brilliant, second- she's fabulous and third- did I say brilliant?
I'm loving this site. SERIOUSLY. Loving it! She's has videos of her son before and after the diet.
So it's been about two weeks- and already I SEE A HUGE difference in Violet.
The video of her son (before the diet)- is SO similar to my daughter. Screaming, running, spinning, yelling, walking on her toes, hands flapping, all of it.
And only TWO weeks into this diet ( that I've worked so hard on) she showed me that she needed her diaper changed by lifting her dress and patting her diaper!!! Then sat on the potty ( that she'd been taking a part and throwing around the house since I bought it months ago). And later on, she pretend played with a small stuffed toy chicken, we have, jumping up and down on her alphabet blocks!!!
For those of you with autistic kids, or who know of autistic kids- you know this is a HUGE deal. It's amazing- I feel like crying I'm so happy.
For the first time- I have seen, what I know, my daughter is capable of.
She's my girl, my princess- no matter how many tantrums she throws daily, nights she stays up screaming, food she ends up throwing, she is my perfect little girl.
And I can finally see that she understands me- and what I'm saying to her.
She's in there- I saw it today- and she's coming out.
This is a momentous day- December 18th, 2009. A day of miracles. Thanks to all her therapists- Molly, Shannon- you know who you are- we LOVE you and all that you do and have done for Violet.
She's listening and learning!!!
And the websites say that you can tell if the kids have a gluten addiction- because they find a way to get their gluten "fix". Some, I heard even eat dirt.
Well today I found my daughter licking a sticker!!! And then tried her brother's bottle- just to get her gluten "fix".
So here's the proof- all the proof I needed to know I'm doing the right thing- no matter how tough, strict or frustrating- it's WORKING.
And I'm a total believer now.
My daughter is worth the trouble- she's worth everything and more.

Gluten free diet and depression.

Many years ago- about 9 years ago to be exact, I was misdiagnosed with Celiac disease. For over two years I ate gluten free. I baked and perfected many recipes over these few years. Shortly after, my computer crashed and I lost all of my precious recipes. It was only when I was being hospitalized for my eating disorders that I found out I was misdiagnosed.
I had no idea that I'd ever need my recipes again. Until now.
My daughter had a nutritional evaluation this past week. The nutritionist suggested going gluten free. Which having been on this diet in the past- it is the hardest diet ever! Gluten is in almost everything! She also suggested going casein-free, which makes being gluten free even MORE difficult.
As with every cooking/baking recipe- things need to be tweaked.
Well that especially goes for gluten free recipes, even those found in books and magazines. It's a lot of trial and error.
Besides the diet being difficult to follow it is also the most expensive diet to follow. Which is extremely difficult for us since we're dead broke.
But anything my daughter needs I must find a way to get.
I'm so stressed out right now. My depression is hitting hard and I'm trying to get through for my kids sake, but it's harder than ever.
I know it'll past eventually- but it's hard getting through it. Every day- harder than the last. My family doesn't really understand what I'm going through because they're always used to me being on top of everything and I mean everything.
The shopping, the babies, the cooking, the cleaning, the therapies, the schedule and on and on.
Everyone has a breaking point- I feel I'm past mine.