Violet's brand new school!!!

I'm am so proud of Violet!!!
I know for sure after being there the whole day with her today at the school that THIS is the BEST school for Violet.
I fell in love with every child there!!!Most of them have physical disabilities as well as learning disabilities.
They were the cutest, sweetest most lovable kids I've ever seen (other than my own of course)
The teachers there absolutely love all the children there and take fantastic care of them.
They asked me to come back for the rest of the week and more, if I'd like.
I felt honored.
I enjoyed playing with all the children and watching Violet play with her new friends.
I knew- in my heart- that this is the very best school for her!
It's a YAI school. YAI has the best therapists and they really make you feel like family.
We are going to their Halloween party October 28th!!!
I cannot wait!!!
Most of the building is YAI schools from ages 3- up to adulthood.
Violet was tired today and had a few cranky moments but overall- she had a fantastic day.
She even sat on the potty TWICE for 5 seconds at a time!!!
And tried two new foods!!!
She painted and colored with all the kids.
Two kids seem to really like her, a sweet little boy- who kept smiling and saying hi to me and a little beautiful girl (she's autistic and doesn't speak). But she gave me great eye contact!!!
As I clapped for her and sang songs with the class.
I was so happy there.
I was exhausted from not sleeping- and not really eating- because Violet wouldn't let me leave the room to go get myself some lunch- but overall the day was magical.
I think Violet is really happy there.
She passed out soon after we got home, so we had to miss sensory gym.
But I could tell she was happy. She even took off her shoes and socks there- she was THAT comfortable there.
She was princess of the class for a day!!
She even got a whole PAGE of stickers and on the ride home on the school bus she stuck the happy face stickers all over her car seat!
I came more with a bit of a migraine ( the beginning of one) because I hadn't eaten.
So I ate some, drank a big old jug of coffee and took a shower.
The pain is going away now- PHEW!
And I can't wait to go back to school tomorrow.
Violet's napping now and I think she's having good dreams about her new school.

Thank goodness this all worked out in the end.

Kisses Bitches!!! Be good to your kids!!

*photo of my daughter on the day of her "baby audition" for the her new school ;) She's too funny!

I'm thinking about...

doing a video blog. I wanted to in the past- but wasn't so sure.
I think I'll get a new web cam- since I can't find the old shitty one I used to have- plus technology has improved since then- so maybe you could tell that I'm white?
Lots of things have been happening-
First of all- my family has been passing around the stomach flu like it was fresh new money.
I was running a hospital here. Plus I get a bit O.C.D. about cleaning when people are sick.
Mopped the floor yet again today- second time in a three days.
Sterilized everything!
Everyone's been fighting- probably due to lots of stress including trying to find a new apartment to move into.
My mom and dad have been fighting- nothing new.
Dave and I have been fighting- also not so very new.
Dave has been having migraines for months now- every single day.
I've told him- he needs to see the doctor- he needs to get off pain killers (including Advil)- he needs to eat better/start exercising, yada yada yada.
I realized that's it's been an entire YEAR since we went to the doctor and the doctor told him, his blood pressure was so high, and his weight too high as well- that he could die- any day-anytime- he's a ticking time bomb.
I cried in the office, and she told me alone in her office- Dave needs to change right away or else my babies won't have a father and I'll be planning a funeral.
That was an entire YEAR ago- since then he's gained and lost weight over and over again and gained more often than lost. Ending up right where he started.
He's tired all the time, cranky, snaps a lot. We never know what Dave's gonna say next.
I told him yesterday, I'm tired of hearing- he's gonna change- either he's going to - or he's not. I hate being lied to.
My mom does the exact same thing- tells me she's going to change.
My doctor says I need to give up hope. My parents will never change- because they don't WANT to.
Dave basically told me last night, that even though he made all these promises to me- they were empty because he had no intent on making these changes.
He also told me that if he doesn't feel- happy, angry or sad- then he feels numb.
A total bipolar thing to say by the way.
Bipolars feel things with the intensity of a five year old child.
They feel this feeling, be it mad, sad or happy- whether it's called for or not.
And everything in between is just pure boredom! Is nothingness! It's being numb!

After our long talk-
He was putting Violet to sleep in her crib- I asked him if he was going to sleep- it was only 8 P.M.
to which he replied "No, well I don't want to...but then again every time I tell you this I fall asleep. So I shouldn't say anything. But I'm not going to fall asleep".
Not but  five minutes later- he was fast asleep and snoring.
I went on the computer for awhile-
but couldn't quiet my mind.
So I decided to take a few benadryl tablets- to knock myself the fuck out-
Wow!
I got tired quick.
Of course just when Dave was waking up and wanting to talk to me.
This is how our lives work.
I passed out around 10 P.M. Really early for me-
had very pleasant and bizarre dreams- but not nightmares!!! YAY!
No one woke me up in the morning-
I got up by myself at 9:20 A.M.
Early for most of you guys and gals- late for me.
And that was AWESOME!!!
I had so much energy this morning,
which was great because Dave was still sick as was my mom.
Plus Violet didn't start her new school yet- she starts tomorrow.
I had so many many errands to run and I finally had some energy to do it!!!
I bought some food, a new mop, got quarters for the much need laundry, on and on.
When I got home I couldn't wait to try my brand new mop- that's when I realized I really need to have sex more often- well actually I realized that months and months ago- but this really cemented the idea.
When I realized that a new mop was exciting to me- yeah I NEED another hobby.
Violet and Levi had therapy, I mopped the entire house, made doctor appointments (breasts ultrasound- oh joy), then I took Violet to her sensory gym-
I stayed in the waiting room upstairs, while she had her therapy, and just listened to my headphones and read a magazine!
WOW! Is it my birthday??!!!!
I came home, to Dave cooking dinner!!!!
I thought maybe I was in the wrong home.
Something's different...will it last...who knows? Probably not more than a day- but I'll enjoy it while it lasts!

I go to school with Violet for her first day tomorrow!!!
Very exciting!!
Then of course we get home then go out again for her sensory gym.
Busy Busy bee- you know me.

Sorry to ramble- probably a bit manic- won't last long- so much energy- it's a very nice surprise.

So who thinks a video blog would be a good idea??
Lemme know.

Kisses Bitches!!!
P.S. I REALLY REALLY need a girls night out!!! Who's with me???
I need to drink and dance- and forget every single worry I have- for just a few hours.

Where's my bitches at???!!!
P.P.S. (This is Dave) Uh... I WANT to say I'm usually more charming than these blogs make me sound... but THAT'S probably a lie too...sigh.

Comic Con 2010

This is the ONE event I go to every year.
We save up little by little and finally get to go somewhere with the kids- somewhere fun!!!
It was so nice to be able to get some things for the kids- and ourselves for once.
Usually we just get to look at everything- and sigh.
It was nice for change.
You all know both Violet and Levi have special needs- Violet was in her own world most of the time- but liked the stuffed animals I got her very very much.
Levi was screaming for most of it- but for a few moments at a time- would get the giggles- thanks to my friends!!!
One of my very best gals came with us to the convention and met my other friend at the convention.
We ALL dressed up as Princess Leia- not slave Leia- The "you're my only hope" Leia.
Including both my kids and my sister.
Both Vi and Lee wouldn't keep the hat with the buns on their head.
And YES I dressed my son as Princess Leia- but most people thought he was dressed as Luke Skywalker- because of his blond hair.
My friend and I took turns wheeling my sister around in a wheelchair. You all know she has a heart condition, and walking around a lot is very difficult for her.
So we wheeled her- no biggie- she's a light weight!
This time the convention was HUGE!!! I know we must have missed so many booths!!
A total bummer!!!
But we all had such a great time.
I needed this so much- especially with all the depression and health issues I've been experiencing.
It was a very welcomed break.
I was with my peers- GEEKS!!!
We all love video games, comic books, movies, anime, manga and DRESSING UP!
Awesome!!!
Now we're all back home- back to reality.
Everyone was taking our picture!!! It was so fun!!
My friend said it was her first time dressing up- being the center of attention- going to a comic con.
I get that a lot- That I'm people's "First".
Before you go thinking dirty thoughts- well- you can go ahead and think dirty- sometimes it was.
But usually I just like getting people to do things they've never done before.
In the past- that might have been going to a gay bar, dancing and drinking till the wee hours of the morning- then going to Katz Deli for the munchies.
I like getting people out of their "comfort zone".
I don't think I have one.
Or maybe I do- being in the spotlight! That's my comfort zone.
It's probably all the time I spent manic and dancing on tables- taking the microphone- and pouring drinks from the bar for people even though I was never a bartender.
I feel honored when people feel safe with me- enough to try things they've never done before.
Because I take care of my friends like they are my family- BECAUSE THEY ARE MY FAMILY.
They are safe with me.
Funny thing happened though-
There are ALWAYS people with "free hugs" signs at AnimeFest ( which was a part of Comic Con this year). Mostly it's pervs just wanting a feel.
And usually it's girls. Hahahaha!
I don't usually hug these people.
But I do stop for just about everyone who asks for a photo. Especially kids!!!
No need to be rude ;)
We separated for awhile Dave with the kids, me with my friends and sister, then he got to go alone through the comic con for a few hours. It's only fair.
But as we were all leaving together- my sister's friends included-
all these guys were shouting "Princess Leia want a free hug???"
I would just shake my head- "Thanks- but no thanks" while smiling.
It's still flattering.
But this one GROUP of guys asked a few times- over and over again- RIGHT IN FRONT OF DAVE!!
I shook my head "no" and thought- wow these guys have BALLS asking in front of Dave- and 300+ pound guy- with anger issues! hahahaha!
But he's not the jealous type- at least I've never seen him act like the jealous type.
This time- was different. He looked DEAD in these guys eyes- and said "No no no no no" while shaking his head at them as if they should be ashamed!!!
Then he asked one of them "If you want a hug from me- I'll give you one."
All of us were SHOCKED!
The guy said "Yeah sure!"
And Dave and this random guy did this manly brotherly hug- that men do. And all was forgiven.
There was a look in Dave's eyes that I haven't seen in YEARS and YEARS.
It was jealousy- and it took me by surprise.
And truthfully I liked it- it made me feel special.
It's a great feeling- to feel not only feel like a wife and mother- but like a hot piece of ass.
Fuck yeah!
Hot piece o' ass!

Another funny thing-
A random guy saw my friend, my sister and I (all Leias) and said exact words "So many Leias so little time!"
This made me laugh so freaking hard!!
I LOVE shit like this-stories galore!
At first when we all planned the whole- Leia Legion theme- I didn't think about the whole- Leia Orgy fantasy. Man I'm fucking SLOW!
Today was awesome! No actually beyond awesome- DIVINE!
Can't wait for next year.

Oh wait---soon comes Halloween!!!!
Man, no one has Halloween parties anymore!!! This SUCKS!!!
I'd love to go to an ALL adults only Halloween party. That would be AWESOME!

Okay now I'm going WAY off topic.
I'm gonna stop here.
And probably die a little.
I haven't eaten much today because of the whole stomach bug I had this weekend.
I wish I could go to sleep- and go to the comic con again tomorrow. But alas it's over.
Next time- Weekend pass!!!


Kisses to my geeky beautiful bitches out there!!!
May the Force be with you!
(Yes, I'm a HUGE star wars fan!!! )

Figured out something...

yesterday was really really shitty!
But it had it's moments.
I woke up early- after not really sleeping all night long- a daily occurrence sad to say.
Took a shower- which ended up being FREAKING COLD!
But I didn't let that get me in a bad mood just yet.
Levi had therapy in the morning.
I got dressed up- skirt, tights, button down shirt, brown fake leather "members only" jacket (don't hate!)and red cowboy boots- cuz that's how I roll.
Anywhoo-
I had gotten dressed up to go to the realty agents office- and meet them for the first time.
Turns out it wasn't very cold yesterday- kind warm.
Jacket was a BAD idea.
When I got to the skeazy building- I walked up a flight-
Saw what a shitty little freaking room this office was- and PACKED with agents, practically all sweating on top of each other.
The receptionist asked me if I was here for a job interview?
I took out my headphones- I thought I had misheard her. Nope- she thought I was there for a job.
I told her no, that I have an appointment with an agent to look for apartments.
She immediately told me to sign a contract!
Are you for REAL?!!!!
The contract was insane!!! I started sweating so badly- I don't know if it was just nerves, or my members only jacket or that it was insanely hot in that office- or everything put together.
I walked out. NOT signing a contract-
I learned a long time ago from modeling contracts it's REALLY easy to be fucked over.
I rushed home.
Then it was Violet's turn for therapy.
And I realized everything was going to change sooner rather than later- way before we even move.
We were going to lose all our kids' therapists- which have now become our good friends.
I felt like crying. Probably because the day wasn't going so well.
I've been calling my doctor for four days now- with no response.
Very frustrating.
Then I had to rush Violet to her sensory gym.
When we finally left the gym, I got a message from Dave asking me to pick up something WAY out of my way home.
ARGH!
I gave Violet while I was pushing her in the stroller- a blue sippy cup, a cracker and...a blue feather- she was content.
If you knew my daughter you'd understand why.
I got what Dave needed and headed on my way home finally- around six in the evening.
Violet was excited to be heading home so she was shaking her head and legs in the air on the way home-
shaking that blue feather proudly!
Yeah- My daughter is special- NO SURPRISE!
I laughed at people's reactions to her.
I got home, only to immediately have to cook dinner.
Dave and I got into an argument right before I had to cook dinner- not putting me in a good mood.
While everyone ate dinner- I had a sandwich- peanut butter and nutella- I didn't want the dinner after all.
Then headed for the shower again- I thought I could have maybe just maybe some minutes alone.
Thank goodness the hot water was back on!!!
I washed my hair- which is falling out at a greater pace-
And that's when I found it- another lump in my left breast.
I didn't even cry at this point- didn't shed one tear all day.
When I got out of the shower the kids were being put into their cribs and I had to figure out how to tell my family what I'd just found.
I had Dave feel it so that I knew I wasn't crazy.
He did- and was sad. Our argument had ended at that point.
I went into the living room to watch some T.V. with Dave, my sister and mom on the couch.
At the end of the show I finally told my mom-
she was upset.
I told her even though I'm very sad to lose all our therapists, I can't wait to get out of this toxic horrible apartment.
She agreed.

That was my day.

P.S. Sometime after 3a.m., both Dave and I were awake, and for some reason, he started whispering to me (see if you get it before I reach the end!): "I can't sleep at night. I toss and turn, listenin' for the telephone. But when I get your call, I'm all choked up. Can't believe you called my home. And as a matter of fact, it blows my mind you would even talk to me. Cuz a girl like you's like a dream come true. I'm livin' in ecstasy. No matter what your friends try to tell ya, we were meant to fall in love. And we will be together, any kinda weather. It's like that. It's like that!" He never got to say "every little step I take" because we were both cracking up by then. Bobby Brown.

Kisses Bitches! Every step I take MoFO!

So many Boob tests-so little time

Hey guys and gals- sorry it's been a few days.
I went for my mammogram on Tuesday- and the radiologist wasn't there- like he was supposed to be.
He was supposed to exam the tests results right away then send me for a sonogram and goodness knows what else.
They fucked up- gave me the mammogram and then sent me home.
Fun times.
My doctor called me and asked if the radiologist had been there- but he spoke to Dave instead because I was at the sensory gym with Violet (where I get no phone reception whatsoever).
They had nothing to compare the mammogram results to- they just treated it like a normal annual mammogram- which it wasn't supposed to be due to the symptoms I'm experiencing.
Again like I said, fun times.
Every doctor is postponing appointments- important appointments I really needed to go to.
I'm so done with all this bullshit.
Plus the papers were signed yesterday in court- we now will officially be moving by November 31st.
To where??? I have no clue- I have to find a place FAST!
On top of trying to find a new home, I have doctor's appointments galore- lots of pain- therapy appointments for both my kids, start packing things into boxes, the list goes on and on.
Plus I think the "spirit" or "spirits" in my house are really angry we're moving. So way more shit has been happening in the house- not good things either.

Oy Vey!

Wish me luck!!!
Thank you everyone for your support-

Kisses my beautiful Bitches!

Tired of fighting

Why does everything, ALWAYS have to be a fight?!
I'm fighting with my family, with my sister, with Dave- you name it.
Everyone's giving me their opinions of what I should do with my body.
Tomorrow I go to the hospital for -finally- my mammogram and goodness knows what other exams.
I'm fed up with everything.
Yes I'm depressed. Kind of hard to hide it.
But meanwhile- everyone comes to me with their depression and their problems to solve- when I can't even handle my own.
Today Violet saw a new school- They'll let me know tomorrow if she's accepted or not.
The school was beautiful and Violet looked really happy there.
I talked to their social worker at the school- and she asked me, after I told her my story- "How do you manage getting out of bed everyday?"
I replied "Not very well."
She nodded, and said she hoped Violet would be accepted into the school.
I slept during the day today- which I NEVER do.
When I got back from Violet's new school, my sister and Dave were fighting with me- I just gave up- soaked in a hot bath and went to sleep.
If I could sleep all day- wow- that would be a dream come true.
I just want to crawl into a hole- and hide-never to see anyone ever again.
Do you ever feel like that?
I'm physically exhausted- my body aches.


I'll let youknow what happens tomorrow.
I hope they have an answer- instead of the very technical phrase Doctor's use:"We don't know why"- meaning "Now be on your way! Shoo already!!!"

Kisses Bitches!

Boob day

I hadn't slept in four days- I was nervous about yesterday's mammogram.
One of my very best gals came with me- I felt honored. I filled out some forms.
They finally called me in, and immediately took me aside.
The nurse asked me if I've ever had a mammogram before- I replied yes, and sonogram, so on and so on.
She said she didn't want to expose me to that much radiation- to which I laughed.
Because I've had several CatScans and MRI- pretty much every year for about 17 years straight.
Then I told her what was wrong- the pain in my left breast , that I haven't been able to wear bras for over a week.
She talked to her supervisor- and then said to me just like this:
" I'm so sorry but we have to reschedule this mammogram for today.
If this was just an annual mammogram there wouldn't be a problem, but-
there's obviously a serious problem here, and we need a radiologist present.
He will look at the mammogram film at the moment it's being done and he may send you for a sonogram as well, and maybe something after that- that same day."
Wow! That took the wind out of me!
I scheduled it for Tuesday morning at 9:30 A.M.
She apologized. And said the person that made the appointment- they had no idea I would need the radiologist present.
I asked her if I should still keep my breast surgeon appointment for that following Friday, October 7th.
She said "Keep it!"
Okay- so now I won't sleep till Tuesday.
I was in a lot of pain last night and couldn't sleep, I took a pain killer- which made me yap away for the next two hours- then pass the fuck out.
Finally.
So here I am today- still uncomfortable and not feeling well. I'm so tired even though I got a lot of sleep. My body hurts really badly. I can't wait to get some answers.
I HOPE they'll have some answers for me.
My friends and family- know that I want both breasts removed- I've wanted this for over four years now- no reconstruction- no implants.
Most people look at me like I'm crazy when I say this- but it's my body, not there's.
My boobs my problem- your boobs- YOUR problem.

Kisses Bitches - Check YOUR TA-TAS MAMAS!!!

freak out moment

It hit me last night. As I was tossing and turning all night.
Dave actually thought I was having a seizure- Which I wasn't, thank goodness. I just couldn't sleep or get comfortable. I feel bad- I kind of kept him up last night, because I usually don't move around in my sleep.
He's sleeping now.
It hit me - with not one, but two doctors I'll be awaiting test results for cancer- skin and breast.
I told Dave- you know, if I find out I have both skin AND breast cancer I'm gonna lose my fucking mind.
Plus- losing my hair, Boobs AND needing new glasses.  Wow- that's quite a look, huh?!
Man, I'll be looking special fo'sho, fo'sho.
Right now I'm on hold to book my dermatology appointment, one that my dermatologist told me to do TEN YEARS AGO- because some things looked suspicious. And two other doctors recently told me "things didn't look right" Whatever the hell that means.
Hopefully I can get an appointment for next week. I have to go on Fridays because that's the only day she works in the clinic. Which means I'll be there for hours and hours! It's near Roosevelt hospital, it's a nice area. Maybe I'll sign in and then take a walk- because sitting in a crowded room for hours- with crazy people- yes that's who's waiting in the clinic- usually a bunch of crazy people- requires WAY too much patience. Patience I don't have at the moment.
Ah- just found out I have an appointment for the end of the month. Oh Joy.
I spoke to Dave and my mom about implants. Which I'm usually totally against. I hate hate hate fake boobs.
My mom said something I found really funny.
She said "You know, they can use the fat from you hips and ass to make you new boobs? That means there will finally be a use for them!"
Her and I, cracked up!!!
I'm the same girl that giggles at the word "fatty";)
Dave thinks I should not get them reconstructed and just leave the scar- which I'm a big fan of, since I LOVE scars- way better than fake boobs.
I would definitely be "unique" looking, ha-ha.
Though I've always wanted to not need a bra.
There's an inner hippie chick in me- but without all the armpit hair- eww gross;) I don't have problems with my fellow lesbians having them- I just don't like myself having them.
Anyways- way off topic here.
Ever since two days ago, having seen the doctor I haven't slept. I guess it's my nerves on overdrive, who knows, because I don't FEEL manic at the moment. But there's a lot going on in my mind right now.
These next two months are going be crazy!
I hope at the end of November when we are in our new place.
Everything will be settled and the way it should be.
Plus that gives me a reason for a housewarming party- HOLLA!
And I LOVE throwing parties!!

That's the news for now,

Kisses Bitches- Check your ta-tas Mamas!!!

In the end I hope I'm as happy and relaxed as the seal and trainer doing yoga on the sand. Freaking awesome pic dave found on the net!!!
We ALWAYS check out the website : the daily what?!
One of our favorite sites for funny and crazy pics/videos.

Ta-Tas- the on going saga

Hey guys and gals-
It's the beginning of the week and so much has happened already.
I had a horrible weekend- that was truly bipolar.
I was suffering and truly was hitting a new low.
I was on the phone with my therapist, and we had talked about me going back to the institution.
Yeah- THAT bad.
Thankfully I pulled through and I'm now back on Geodon.
It has been my life saver- literally.
I'm in a much much much better mood now. Phew!!
I have to tell you all that I went to the doctor today- because my left breast has been bothering me again-
Yes, again: I went through a really bad time about four years ago.
I felt a lump in my left breast and had it biopsied (very very freaking painful!), mammograms, sonograms, everything- four years ago.
Everything turned out okay, but they couldn't guarantee that wouldn't happen again.
It was one of the scariest times in my life.
I wanted both my breasts removed at that time- I never wanted to experience that pain and fear ever again.
But of course doctors didn't listen- because I was labeled "bipolar" they thought I was crazy.
One doctor agreed with me but it wasn't enough to plead my case to the insurance company.
After that- I never felt the same about my breasts- these things could kill me.
I was uncomfortable in my own skin.
I felt the minute I started liking my breast again, something bad would happen.
And here we are today.
I have had pain in my left breast- the very same breast that had the lump years ago.
I had to yell at Dave to come to the doctor with me.
He didn't understand why I needed him there!
He decided after my yelling- to come with me.
Truth was I was very scared to be in the same position I was years ago, especially alone- my nightmare.
He didn't talk to me much on the way there. I was yapping my head off because I was nervous- I talk a LOT that's how I deal. TOUGH!
I was in the doctor's office when I explained the things that've been happening.
I undressed- he examined my ta-tas.
I love that the doctor felt nervous- because he's a man and Dave was watching him do this.
I have no problem being nude- as you all know very well ( used to be a nude model).
Afterwards he told me I need to see a breast surgeon and get another mammogram.
When he said that- I felt like crying- but you all know I hate crying especially in public, so I didn't. I held it all in.
He then asked if I wanted to get dressed, I said sure- and did so in front of him, he was so bashful and told me he'd would look the other way. I found it funny.
When I turned to Dave, half-naked to put on my clothes Dave said quickly "More for me!"
Always cracking jokes!
Finally he spoke!!
After that he talked to me on our way home.
I needed a perk me up- because I was feeling depressed again, not too bad- but there WAS a reason for feeling this way.
So a Ricky's store was a block away ( my favorite store of all time!!!) It's a beauty HAVEN!!!
I just looked at everything- and all the colors and hair accessories and wigs- made me feel better.
Did I mention my hair's falling out again- yeah.
No matter what- I'm gonna look fabulous!
I hope this is my last time going through this- and they cut my ta-tas off.
Dave and I used to joke- we'd put my boobs in jars and ask people if they wanted to see my boobs?!
Yeah- we have a really gross sense of humor- but how else to you get through times like this- I'd much rather laugh than cry- any day.
My mom told my dad why I went to the doctor (while I was out) he was home because he just had knee surgery. When I came home- he tried to show me he was worried and felt bad for me, and put his arm awkwardly around my shoulders.
I told him "I'll be fine Dad, they're JUST boobies!" Trying to make light of the situation.
I always have a hard time sharing feelings with my dad and vice versa.
But I appreciated the effort he made.

That's the news for now-
Kisses Bitches!!!! Check your ta-tas MAMAS!!!

Going to the NY Comic Con!!!

And I can't freaking wait.

You ALL know I'm a major nerd- but without all the smarts;)

I've gone for several years now, last year I took both my kids and dressed them up too.

Dave and Lee were dressed as Batman and Vi and me dressed as Captain America's daughters. And my sis was "Love-Shack" ( flaming gay Rorschach)

This year I have even a more awesome theme going on.

And my sis is joining us in our costume theme this time!

It's so exciting!!!
Don't worry I'll take plenty of photos- and I'll post some here!
I don't get to go to many exciting places usually throughout the year- so this is like a holiday for me!!
It's probably the one thing I look forward to the most all year.
It's better than Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween for me-
Though Halloween is STILL a pretty big deal for me.
And Halloween is coming soon!!! HOORAY!
We'll probably wear the same costumes for Halloween- there's no point in buying all new costumes since both comic con and Halloween are in the same month!
Last year a photo of Vi, Lee and I got into the Wall Street Blog, and Yahoo news.
I'm aiming for bigger this time!!!
If you come you'll get to see first hand!
It's awesome and hilarious!!! You won't be able to miss us, that's for sure!
I always go on Sunday- because it's family day- less hoes- which for me is always a plus, because there's always the skankiest girls imaginable- plus most of them are lesbian (sorry guys!).
And now Suicide Girls is gonna be there. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!
A long long time ago, I tried to become one, and it almost happened- but then I came to my senses THANK GOD!
I mean- first of all- these girls are paid next to nothing- for un-artistic nude images-

and second- they are basically OWNED by the company. And that TOTALLY sucks for any model!

I've met several suicide girls in person ( some were my friends- I still adore you chickies) but the rest- EWWW GROSS! They touch me and it's just gross. I've known WAY too many porn stars in my lifetime for sure!

I mean if you're going to do porn, which I don't recommend, because I almost did that myself with my ex- girl (an Internet porn star) at the very LEAST get paid well. BTW way more details in my book, way more!

Just thinking about Suicide Girls makes my skin crawl.

Sorry got WAY off topic here-

So yeah- Sundays are great, less hoes, and more FREE stuff!!! Because it's the last day of the convention, people make way more deals!

And they usually give so much free stuff away Sundays!!

Me likey!!!!

So many changes- so little time

So many things are changing right now.

It's nearing the end of the year- and everything in my life is about to change.
I mentioned before that I'm looking for a new apartment and will be moving no later than November of this year.
I'm looking in Brooklyn, Queens and Manhattan.
I've contacted so many realty companies- only to find out that apartments are...get this...cheaper in Manhattan! I was blown away by this.
Moving for my family and I isn't easy- for several reasons-
One- Big family- with several disabilities. My mom can't live in a walk up, there has to be an elevator.
And yes- we are moving together- not separately.
I help take care (cook, clean, etc) of my whole family- this is how we function. We don't function well apart  from each other. Plus my mom and sis help a lot with my kids.
Two- Violet would need all new therapists and a new sensory gym- same for Levi. This is a huge problem.
It's a ton of work. It's nearly taken me two years to get the right therapists for Violet- but they all can't travel far. I also might be looking for a new school for Violet- with all that's happened recently.
Three- We don't get the money from the landlord until the  day we move out- which makes things very difficult because I need money for the security deposit, rent and moving expenses in ADVANCE.
Oy Vey!
Four- This is my family's home. My dad has lived here his whole life.
We are all scared to move- this is all we've ever known.
But it's making my family and I so very sick. The mold and such (things falling apart) in the apartment, especially in my kids room- is horrible for our health.
We HAVE to move to help my kids get better. We're all tired of being ill all the time.
Five-being that both my kids are autistic- change is very very difficult for them to handle. Levi freaks out even going for a walk. He has serious sensory issues, as does Violet.
Moving is NOT easy for us at all.
But there isn't any choice.

I'm hoping all this bad mojo that this apartment has given us- will finally go away- and our lives will get tons better.
I pray for this every single night.
On top of all these changes-
I had to put my foot down.
I'm tired of my mom and husband being sick and physically unable, due to their weight.
I love them both, regardless of how much they weigh, obviously.
Dave has trouble with both his knees and ankles- and has pain from walking now.
I just got to my breaking point with both of them.
I told them- you are two of the most important people in my life- and both of you need to change.
I definitely feel there are so many similarities between my parents and Dave- maybe that's why Dave pisses them off so much!
I have serious issues with people being undependable- breaking promises left and right.
My mom and Dave almost always break their promises to me and it breaks my heart.
Their weight holds them back from doing the things they want to do- like running after the kids, going for a long walk, etc.
My sister is the most dependable person in my life. I can always count on her.
Both her and I, always work through any illness, being tired, anything and everything so we can take care of the kids.
Then again I can always depend on both my kids- to lose their freaking minds each and every single day.
Violet has been a wreck. Since all her therapists are on vacation, and she's not in school right now- plus she's sick.
My house is chaos right now. Levi freaking out every single time we leave the apartment.
I'm terrified and excited at the same exact time- about moving. And that there's a possibility everything will change for the better.
Just the possibility gives me goosebumps!
I'm sick right now- nose,throat- same as my kids- so my mind's a complete fog. I'm in a daze- I don't know what day it is or time, if it's sunny or raining. I'm on another planet right now.
Because of all the stress I'm under, I've been having horrific nightmares all week- like horror movies- truly scary.
I'm crawling out of my skin right now- I want everything to happen already- and the stress to be gone.
But I don't do magic- sadly.
Anyone know a fairy godmother I could call??? Anyone?

Kisses Bitches!!! Everything's about to change!!!!!
I smell something's in the air- no not a poopy diaper- I mean the smell of change coming. The winds are about to change. A serious cleansing of bullshit is coming. Can't fucking wait!
New apartment
New school??
New Therapists?
New look???who knows?
New happiness and good health?!
Healthier and slimmer Dave and mom??? Who knows?!!!
New FREAKNG LIFE!!!!

Maybe even be financially stable? Or is that asking for too much?

Trojan commerical

My sis, Dave and I were watching Tosh.O tonight.
One of my favorite shows now-
a Trojan commercial for new fire and ice condoms came on the t.v.
And my sis asked me right after the commercial-
"Does it tingle?"
Me- of course on another fucking planet- answer...
"You mean when you cum?" I asked in shock. Yeahhhhhhhh- Did I mention I'm an idiot??!
Dave and Kayla looked at me like I was an alien!
My sis answered..."uhhhhh, no. (looking at me like the idiot I am) I meant the condom- but you can answer that if you like".
Then all of us started cracking up!!
my sis then said "Innocence Shattered!"

I'm an asshole, 'nuff said.
I'm so embarrassed.

Wedding!

I went to one of my best friend's wedding yesterday- despite all that's been happening with Violet.

I'm still really upset about Violet's bruises from Thursday. Both her school and the bus company are saying "nothing happened". Which upsets me even more because obviously SOMETHING HAPPENED to my daughter. She has several bruises and scratches on her arms.

My friend invited Dave and I to her wedding a few months ago- so I wasn't going to disappoint her- plus I was really looking forward to going.

Dave and I pretty much never ever go out without the kiddios- so this was a special occasion.

I dressed up- of course in this long black dress- that somehow appeared in my mom's closet (still with the tag on it- never worn)and no one remembers buying this dress.

It fit me perfectly- and looked good.

I wore my mom's pearls ( because I don't have much jewelry anymore- I sold mine to pay bills months ago-sad to say) to dress it up a bit.

My mom thought I should wear this short hot pink cocktail dress- but I thought it was inappropriate for a wedding- I thought I'd look like a whore.

And really- why don't girls know how to dress for a wedding anymore- I'm not talking about the bride- but to all the single desperate ladies that attend weddings.

The bride deserves all the attention- really- you can dress like a whore any given day- does it really have to be at your friend's wedding?!

Dave didn't listen to me- and waited to try on his suit for the FIRST time- when we had only twenty minutes before we had to leave.

Everything didn't fit right. His suit from our wedding didn't fit, so he ended up wearing a jacket from someone else- His jacket was way too big, as was his shirt. His pants were too small- he had RE-sown a button, but even then worried the structural integrity would fail, and innocents would get hit with button shrapnel and die. Everything was a different color! It was a mess! And really funny at the same time.

GARGANTUAN navy Blazer, ENORMOUS gray Shirt, and lobster-bib-sized tie, petite black pants and ....ta-da...brown shoes!

And to round off the "ensemb", he was also sweating like a chubby kid at the cake buffet.

It looked like he was shrinking AND growing at the exact same time!!!

I haven't been to many weddings in my life- heck mine was at City Hall- took less than a minute and the judge couldn't get my name right- yeahhhhhh- waaaaaaaaaaay classy;)

And I was four months pregnant.

Her wedding was the most beautiful event I've ever been to and seen.

It was at St. Patrick's Cathedral.

When Dave and I got there- we were early- because if you know me- I'm never late to anything.

My thyroid is out of control- so I started getting really dizzy and woozy in church- at first I was thinking- it's cuz I'm wicked, right?

Don't think I'm the only one- Dave sweats like a hooker when he comes within even five yards of a church. Sorry hubby, but that's not the way to wash away your sins.

She had the most beautiful wedding dress- the wedding was perfect.

And I truly didn't believe a wedding could be perfect.

I'm really jaded.

The reception was amazing!

Cocktail hour-on a penthouse- Dave right away found the bar- surprise- surprise!

And had two Coronas in one hand.

I had a glass of wine.

The appetizers were delicious and then it was time for dinner and dancing.

We then went to the reception hall- Dave at that point didn't look so good 9 by which I mean he magically found a way to look even worse). His face was turning red. That's when he asked me if I had any medication for a migraine!

Uh-NO!

We danced to one quick song- before his face turned deep crimson red.

We ate dinner-and after that I knew he couldn't handle the pain much longer- so we left early- before DESSERT! oh man!

I felt bad I was leaving this amazing wedding early, but I knew Dave was really not feeling well- so we said our goodbyes to the bride and groom and left.

I told my friend later on, that if ever I decide to have a "real wedding" I'll ask her for help.

When we got home, Dave rushed for the medication.

I showed my mom and sister the photos I took at the wedding.

My mom could tell I was sad.

I was sad for several reasons- first, being we never got that amazing wedding- where all our friends and family got together and celebrated.

Second- her family was so amazing and wonderful and caring. Their speeches even made me teary eyed. And I could tell her father and her, were so close.

Third- some people at the wedding asked me "what I do" ( for a living) I couldn't obviously tell them- my whole story- majorly bipolar and all- so I just told them- I was a stay at home mom. To which they looked at me like I was an alien. Then when I told them my kids were autistic- well you could just imagine all the questions that followed.

And that led me to think about my little girl getting hurt by some unknown person- and how helpless I feel.

Anyways-

The wedding was amazing.
My friend was the most beautiful bride I've ever seen- and she has a heart of gold, on top of everything.

I wish her the very best- always.

Kisses Bitches!

*photo of Dave ( in his incredible shrinking wholeness) and I dressed up for the wedding. Photo taken by my dad's crappy little digital camera.

My worst nightmare- Violet was hurt by someone!

Today is a nightmare. My daughter came off the bus from school- with never before seen bruises and scratches.

Her therapist and I were the first to notice. I was freaked out.

Then we went to the sensory gym- she seems to like it there ( except for yesterday).

And she was happy there. I showed her therapists the marks on both her arms- it looks as if she was restrained by an adult- hard- enough to bruise her and leave major scratch marks.

We also took photos of her bruises.

While I was at the gym with Violet, Dave made several phone calls to her new school and the bus company. We then called the police.

The police were here for quite awhile, asking us questions and examining her, they only left a few minutes ago.

We filled out a report.

Now anytime anyone touches her arms, she freaks out! I'm really scared- and angry this happened.

I've never wanted her to talk to me more than I do now-to be able to tell me what exactly happened.

Right now my princess is sleeping and I hope she has good dreams- despite the nightmare of a day. I don't feel safe sending my daughter to school, or putting her on the bus.

She's my sweet pea- she's only three years old for goodness sakes.

Dave and I are very upset about the whole situation and we want answers.

My daughter is autistic- but she doesn't harm herself like this- I know someone hurt her-

this is my worst nightmare.

Everyone loves my daughter- she's such a sweet girl- I just can't figure out why someone would harm her.

I don't know if I'll sleep at all tonight.

I just want to protect my baby girl- and make sure this never ever happens again. And that the person that did this- is brought to justice.

*photo of just one of the many bruises on her arms.

Violet's worst week ever!

Violet has had her worst week ever so far.
She doesn't transition well at all to change- and everything changed for her this week, new school, therapists- you name it. I feel so bad for her.
She's having a meltdown!

Today at sensory gym during physical therapy (PT- for short) lost her damn mind!!!
She was ALL over the place- going to hurt herself- it was insanity!
The PT was sweating her ass off, she looked a wreck half way through the session, the poor girl.
I felt bad for Violet- but worse for the therapist!

Violet has the strength of at least 100 men- AT LEAST!
There's this fully enclosed swing made of a Lycra/elastic type material- fully closed. And VIOLET used all her strength and got out of it!!! Like she was being born all over again!!!
It was so funny- and scary at the same time. Everyone at the gym was SHOCKED! They'd NEVER seen this done before.
The PT called her the Incredible Hulk! Like I said it was insane!

All the kids there- have all kinds of disabilities. This one kid, was about 13 years old and had Down's syndrome- he looked at my daughter running around crazy and asked his therapist- "What is she doing??!" The therapist answered "Running? Playing??"
The kid gave Violet the ONLY look- like YOU'RE FUCKING NUTS!!!

Every kid there was looking at Violet like- You got problems kid!!!"

I was exhausted- but not as much at the PT. I'm not used to her like this- but I am used to her running and running and running- and having to run after her all the time.
Half way through the session and Violet's meltdowns- I grabbed her- picked her up in my arms and said "That it!!! Violet we are leaving!"
I carried her to her stroller- clipped her in- and she calmed down- as calm as a cucumber practically.

Did I mention that before I took her to the gym, I went food shopping and mopped the entire house?! Yeah- I'm spent at this point.
My brain is complete mush.

With Levi and Violet both losing their minds this week- I can barely stand.
I have a hard enough time- getting my family to babysit when my kids are normal- well, normal for them. Now with them going nuts- I can't go anywhere!!!
My kids are a handful and a half- it's not easy for me- I would never ever trust a babysitter- ever!

I was a babysitter for a very long time- I cared about each kid as if they were my own. I would never ever let anything happen to them- I would've taken a bullet for them- I'm not even joking. They were like my own.
But I saw many other babysitters in my time- that didn't give two shits about the kids they barely watched.

When I get home from leaving the kids with my mom and sister, they look completely wiped out- and the kids are still going. But unlike a babysitter- I trust my family.

Dave says I micro-manage and I agree. I like things done a certain way: correctly;)

Anyways that's enough crazy for one blog post,


Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo: Happy Bunny

September 11th

I was going to write a blog yesterday- but I was right in the middle of a funk.

I read the first two lines- and was so angry at myself.

I sounded like an asshole.

I'm not denying that, I am a total and complete asshole-Seriously- I should have a business card saying this.

I was angry at myself for all the negativity I was writing.

Dave and I had a conversation about it- and he was right in the end-

that I have to right the truth- while I'm feeling it- even if I sound like an asshole.

The whole point of my blog/book is that people see what being bipolar really means.

The ups and downs of it all.

People have mentioned that I should maybe write under another name-

I decided not to.

Since this book is true- 100% of it- I will be upfront about myself- and in the end- I think if my family and children read this- they'll know I didn't hold back.

I've always been open about myself- why stop now?

Truthfully I just have to say "fuck it" to everyone and thing.

If you don't like it- don't read it- period.

My sister tells me to this very day- because I've told her my history with drugs, sex and eating disorders- she hasn't repeated my mistakes.

She's a healthy eater and has never done drugs. What more could I ask for, right?

I was awake for most of last night- in bed- I was thinking of the past.

Things I'm going to write about.

Sometimes I think about all the different ways my life could have gone- like alternate universes.

September 11th just passed- and I didn't write about it because I was knee deep in a depression, I'm sorry about that.

I actually remember September 11th- very clearly.

I could have lost my father that day. He was supposed to be in the twin towers that day.

When it happened, he was only a few blocks away- and saw people jumping from the building to their death.

It traumatized him for a really really long time.

My father and I did not have a good relationship at this time at all- but I was still worried about him.

I remember I picked up the girl I'd babysat since she was two and a half years old ( shout out to Anya!) from her school. I thought of her as my own. I rushed to her school to pick her up, because I was supposed to that day- and couldn't get a hold of her mother on the phone. Since all the phones were down.

I remember getting to her school in a panic- and it as madness at her school. And her seeing me and rushing into my arms. I was so thankful to hold her and that she was okay.

I than went to my sister's school with Anya, and someone had told me that " a man" had picked her up. Some unknown man!

I was freaking out, thinking the worst.

But then something in my gut told me she was okay- and maybe Dave had gotten her.

He had gone to college that day in Brooklyn- and walked - more like ran- across the bridge

to get my sister at her school.

So I picked up food for lunch and brought Anya to my house- where my sister and Dave were waiting for me. PHEW!!!

We patiently waited for my dad and mom.

We didn't know if my father was alive or not-

I couldn't get a hold of anyone!

Soon after my mother and father arrived home, thankfully. And my dad was a mess.

I was so thankful to have the people I cared about all under one roof, safe and sound.

I remember talking with my family about that day- days later, even months later.

I had talked with my father's sister about September 11th, and how she felt.

These were her exact words-

"It didn't really affect me- I mean I was in Florida. I wasn't in New York."

Did I mention she's an idiot?! I don't understand his family- never have, never will.

Yeah- one of the many reasons I don't talk to my dad's family anymore.

I asked her " What do you mean it didn't affect you?! Your brother could have been killed! And you didn't even worry?!"

His sister never even called him that day- or even days later to see if he was okay.

He has a really fucked up family.

There are so many different ways my life could have gone. I could have lost my father that day.

Do you think about different ways YOUR life could have gone- if you hadn't done this or that?

Let me know- I'd like to hear from you.

Thanks for listening. Writing Kisses Bitches- doesn't seem appropriate for this blog.

Sending much love to all of you!

The Strange and Bizarre

Levi has been screaming for what seems like ever at this point.

I'm going to ask for a psychological evaluation for him, sooner than later.
Some ( very rare) days he's happy go lucky and in a good mood.
But mostly he's upset- he's very up and down- not a calm baby at all.


Before you go "That's ALL babies"- let me stop you write there. I'm not complaining about some normal crying- I do have a daughter that is autistic- and I do see the signs.
Unlike most people- this doesn't upset me- I just want him to get the help he needs- sooner rather than later. I think this makes sense.

Some people tell him- that both my daughter and son "look normal". I don't know what most people think autistic kids "look like"- but they do look like normal, regular kids. I don't know if people think autistic kids "look special" or handicapped. Truthfully I don't even know what "looking special" even means.
Both my kids look like regular kids- period.


It's such a weird thing to say anyways.


Or people tell him, I'm being paranoid- my daughter was diagnosed by professionals- same with my son. It's strange now that my daughter isn't in early intervention anymore- but now my son is. Early Intervention and CPSE are completely different.


On another note- yesterday was odd.
It was Violet's first day of school- and it didn't go well- surprise!!!
Dave thought she'd be fine- I knew different.
She had a tough day- and fell asleep really early last night- when she suffers any type of "trauma" (including having a temper tantrum) in the day she will fall right to sleep. Which is really bad when she's in the middle of therapy and she has a breakdown- because then she passes out- it's like the "fainting goats"! If you don't know what this is- look it up- it's hilarious!
Bizarre, I know.


Yesterday Dave slept almost all day- when I finally had to wake him up around 3 in the afternoon, he was groggy and not in a good mood.
I was talking to my friend about my grandmother's dementia and how I feel about it- how my grandma doesn't recognize me at all anymore- or even know my name- when out of nowhere Dave said "I'm OK with it" with an attitude.
We both just turned to look at him- like "What the hell is wrong with you?!"
He didn't understand why I was upset by that comment AT ALL.
After that I wasn't in a good mood- because I wasn't understanding him one bit.


The rest the day Dave was acting very strange.
He apologized later for what he said- but I was still confused about the whole thing.
Dave and I have been arguing a lot- I've been telling him- that he's changed so much- and sometimes I just don't understand him anymore.
I know he feels like our apartment is a trap- and I totally agree.


Just yesterday ( you all know how I've been saying this apartment is haunted) with my friend at my house- something happened.
Everyone was in the living room- my friend, the kids, Dave and I, everyone else was out, the baby monitor was on in the bedroom- an d all of a sudden we heard a noise- and then a whole lot of noise in our bedroom- my friend is a witness!- like someone was in there destroying our room!
I said to Dave "What the Fuck was that?!"
He replied "Probably your dad?"
Both my friend and I replied-"NO ONE else is HOME!"
I sent him to the room to check what happened.
Nothing seemed out of place- it was SO BIZARRE!


But this time I have a witness! Yo! I TOLD YOU ALL THIS PLACE WAS HAUNTED!
It's like there's a bad spirit just keeping us all miserable here.
I can't wait to finally leave.


Maybe then we'll be happy- I hope.



I pray every night that things will work out and everything will be okay, that we will all be happy ( and healthy) again soon.






Thanks for listening.

*old photo of my grandma and me- I was about 9 years old here- and very very tan- with very very long hair- probably the last time I ever had very long hair).

Broken.

I'm still continuing to write my book- which means sometimes I write a page in my book, instead of blogging- some rare times I have time to write both.
Yesterday was a bit odd.
I've been really depressed lately- actually more numb than feeling sad.
I dislike everything about myself at the moment.
I hope this feeling will pass soon.
Do you ever feel like that?
You hate...this and that about yourself..and wish that you could change ________ (fill in the blank).
Yeah- that's me at the moment.
I was trying on some of my clothes yesterday- disliking everything I tried. Especially this one tight shirt- Dave was there and he liked it- I said to him, the little pouch I have of a stomach I don't like showing- to which he responded-
"You have given birth to two kids- that's probably never gonna go away."
I felt defeated- "What do you mean it'll never go away?"
Something I already knew- but didn't want to hear.
Dave didn't mean anything mean by saying it, obviously.
This spiraled me downward- to start looking at old photos of myself and the taut beautiful stomach I used to have. Yes- I was like 80 lbs- and most people, including Dave thought I looked scary- and yes- I agree with them- but I still look on those days semi-fondly.
Yeah- I should totally be careful at this moment not to go all crazy starving again. Plus I don't have the patience for that anymore- I like food too much and I cook all the time because I'm good at it.
Do you ever have this moment where you realize how broken you are?
I see girls on the street and right away can tell if they are "broken" or not.
You know the ones you can sense have a million and one issues- including daddy issues- yeah I can't stand I'm one of them. Even though I clearly am one of them.
Ewww! It's gross!
I don't want to be broken- I guess being bipolar- automatically means I broken in several ways, right?
And if you're bipolar and reading this right now- thinking you're not broken...I beg to differ.
I miss so many things- probably too many to list.
Of course- being thin, having long hair ( man, I wish it hadn't fall out last spring! ), being able to wear whatever I want without feeling awkward, feeling passionate, feeling something other than numb, photographing my beautiful friends, being happy, the list goes on and on like I said.
So yesterday when I was feeling so down about myself-
That's when every stranger decided to hit on me strangely enough, while I was buying groceries with my kids- pushing a ridiculously large heavy double stroller, sweating my ass off.
A guy handing out fliers told me that he'll be waiting for me at the new store.
That made me laugh so hard.
An old guy at the supermarket decided to help me find the food I was looking for, move everything out of the way- and told me-" It was my pleasure- anytime you need me." With this sleazy old man grin and a wink.
Strange yet again.
I think men can smell- defeat- not their own defeat- but the smell of a woman feeling defeated about herself- they must think this is their chance, right?
It's like when a guy's at a bar and he sees a girl already drunk- I'm guessing something like that?
And when my book if finally done- you'll get to see why I'm so broken- in so many different ways. Broken, broken, broken.
I think to myself what my kids are going to think of me- when they eventually read this book.
It could be really bad- and go back and forth thinking if this is a good idea or not.
I'm not going to sugar coat myself- I'm obviously not perfect- more like so far from it- I can't even see the word perfect anymore.
But I will make this book as funny as possible- every mistake I've ever made- I've found humor in it.
Even in all my sexual experiences- there's a lot of humor in that for sure!
I showed my sister a chapter I wrote- she was shocked! And laughed her ass off.
That's the reaction I want- not so much the shocked part- but the laughing part most definitely.
Not to say every single thing I'll be writing about is funny.
Certain parts- might get...a negative reaction- actually I'm going to take out- the "might" part.
I know better.
Some family members came over yesterday, and while talking, I realized they never knew I smoked cigarettes- not often- just sometimes, around certain people.
Really out of everything I've ever done- this is probably the most benign- not saying smoking cigarettes isn't a bad thing- but really- compared...to EVERYTHING- that's not a big deal.
They seemed shocked when I said this- which made me think- man, I hope they never ever read my book...like ever ever- you know?
Anyways- sorry for rambling- I write the way I think, pardon me.

Kisses -you bipolar Bitches!

*the artwork is by one of the most talented photographer/artists of all kinds of media- including music- of all time- my great friend-
Anna Fleshler ( https://annafleshler.com/ARTWoRK.php) - Her music page - http://www.neaphyte.com/

The body is mine- actually not at my lowest weight- I got much thinner than this, at my lowest point of my eating disorder)

Gave my kids a haircut

I decided today to give my kids a haircut.

No, it's not the kind my mother used to give me- with a pair of garden shears- that scared the living crap out of me!

Truth is I didn't get my hair cut in a salon till I was in my teens.

My mom cut my hair until then, for a mom with no haircutting experience whatsoever- she didn't do such a bad job- until fifth grade.

The night before my fifth grade graduation she was going to give my bob hair style a trim-and oops! She chopped it all off- into a boy's haircut!!!

I was horrified!!!

When I was a teen- I became obsessed with hair. I bought every British hairstyle magazine known to man. I'd save my babysitting money just to buy some every month.

I hung out at a favorite salon of mine- and they became my friends. I learned a lot about hair from them, cutting, coloring and styling.

I had my hair colored every color of the rainbow- every hairstyle- dreadlocks, Mohawks, braids, cornrows, weaves, you name it- I've done it.

And now that I have kids- my hair obsession hasn't changed one bit.

My daughter has very curly, fine brown hair. My son has blonde dead straight hair.

Both of their hair had gotten long- but not evenly, just kind of scraggly and stringy.

So I cut both their hair today- with a professional haircutting scissor- no garden shears here!

Lee now has a little man's hairdo and Violet has a really cute bob with a short fringe.

I would love to take them to a salon one day- but for now since I'm very poor, and they are both kids with special needs- I'd rather they freak out here- than in some stranger's chair- with someone who has no clue how to handle them.

Kisses Bitches and put away those garden shears would ya?!

*Here's a before and after photo of my son's haircut.

Bad dreams...

Today I woke up from a startling dream- which I will get to in a second- when I got up out of bed- that's when the pain set in.

From the accident yesterday of me falling on the subway stairs- I must have pulled several muscles I didn't even knew I had-when I landed on my knee- because my knee doesn't hurt, my entire thigh is killing me. I have been walking with a limp the entire day- because you all know I can't sit still to save my life. It hurts so badly and nothing- Advil nor Tylenol makes even a dent in the pain.

Hopefully it'll heal soon, the last thing I need is another freaking doctor visit.

The "dream" I had was about my mother.
Apparently in the dream itself- I had a vision of a very large blue bird slamming into my kitchen window and dying- it's a little bit more complicated than that- but I thought I'd sum it up quickly.

Everyone in my dream I explained the "vision" to, told me that meant my mother would die and I didn't have that much longer with her.
Even though several other things occurred in the dream- this thought stuck with me.
And I kept picturing my mom not being around- it really upset me.

When I saw her this morning- I thought about telling her about my dream, but I knew it would upset her- and I didn't feel like she was going to die today- so I might as well let her go to work in peace.

When she got back from work- she looked a wreck. She didn't feel well and was lightheaded.
I told her she has to take better care of herself.
She later told me her computer died at work today.
Dave and I just looked at each other.

I finally told her about my dream- and why I was concerned.
She was afraid at first- but I let her know- all I want her to do is be careful and I think everything should be okay.

As I've mentioned before- almost every dream I have- has come true in some way or another.
Of course there have been some ( only a handful) that are just my fears- or they play out very differently in the real world.

I feel like everything will be okay more or less. It just really shook me up thinking one day my mom could be gone- and the last thing I would say to her- might not be the last words I want her to remember, you know?

I can't get the vision out of my head. I just have to tell myself everything's going to be okay.

Kisses Mamas and Papas and..bitches:)

*photo found when looking up large blue bird- this bird looks very similar to the one in my dream- very eerie.

Got shot in the freaking nipple!

So after a long grueling day- I decided to put all my frustrations and such away- and go cook an amazing meal.

Yep- I'm not gonna be modest about this one- I was fuck awesome! Fresh homemade Puttanesca sauce with sausage and linguine pasta.

Just thinking about the meal I just made and ate- makes me happy.

But while making this amazing meal- I felt a bit nauseous- from the whole messed up thyroid thing I got going on- what always helps it - at least for me- is seltzer.

I put some in the freezer to get cold quick.

I opened the freezer door- as Dave stood next to me talking- and saw as if in slow motion the seltzer bottle coming towards me- falling out of the freezer and aimed directly at me-

And that's when it happened!

It shot me in the fucking nipple!

What the FUCK?!!!

I screamed as if I had really been shot- by a freaking bullet!

As I grabbed my boob- in pain- I realized how fucking funny the whole event was. And Dave and I couldn't stop laughing.

Just thought I'd share my embarrassment yet again- to share with all of you.

Don't worry my nipple and boob- are just fine, thanks for your concern.

Kisses Bitches! Protect yo nipple bitches!

*horror scream photo found on google images

"PIMP DOWN! PIMP DOWN!!!!"

This morning Sucks ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kayla woke me up this morning- to get Violet ready to go to the doctor. I shook Dave awake- so he could get ready as well.

Dave right away replied with "I just got Lee to sleep." Meaning Dave wasn't going.

ARGH!

I was upset!

But Kayla and my father came with me instead.

I took my thyroid meds- which meant I couldn't eat until I got back from the doctor.

On the way there we took the subway.

My sister and I have going down the stairs with Violet, down pat.

I grab the back- she grabs the front of the stroller.

My dad really wanted to help- so I let him grab the front of the stroller- but he did it with one hand- and not in the middle, so the stroller was lopsided and he was going down the stairs too fast!

So I was trying to keep the stroller upright and steady...and then I missed a step.

I made sure Violet didn't topple over or anything- but my knee hit the metal stair HARD!

FUCKING OUCH!

Kayla's first thought when she saw me go down was- "PIMP DOWN! PIMP DOWN!"

Did I mention I love the shit out of my sister- she's so fucking awesome!

A random guy ran up to me asking me if I was okay. I wasn't-and I was really embarrassed.

I just told the guy "Thank you so much. Don't worry, I'll be fine."

My dad felt so guilty. I didn't want him to feel bad- because I know he didn't mean for me to get hurt. When we arrived at our stop, I felt nauseous from the pain- and thought I was going to throw up on myself. How embarrassing would that have been?!

But I held it together.

We got to the doctors office, Violet was hitting me and kicking me in my bad knee, in the waiting room. And people were looking at her and I- like she was a brat or something- I didn't feel like explaining she was autistic at the time.

When we walked into the doctor's office- he asked me if I was having a good day-

to which I replied "Horrible- I want to go kill myself".

I think he understood- after all he knows my family very well.

He examined her, and she ended up getting two shots. My poor baby girl.

And he went over my chart as well.

He upped one of my meds- and lowered another. Surprise!- my thyroid is ALL over the fucking place.

We went to Fairway on the way back- I still couldn't eat anything yet because the doctor wanted me to take yet another thyroid pill when I got home.

Fairway was complete madness!

Everyone there was being a total fuckface. For some reason every old woman had a vendetta against every mother there!

And right now- it's only 11:15 A.M!!! FUCK ME! This day sucks ass!

I'm so depressed right now.

Kisses Bitches!

*photo found on google images

Started writing my book.

I had Dave and my mom read an excerpt from the book I started writing the other day.
Both weren't too happy.

And that part was TAME!

Dave loved the writing but it reminded him of me when I was manic- not his favorite times that's for sure.
My mom wasn't too pleased either.
So from now on- family doesn't get to read my writing- except my sister- who doesn't judge me, no matter what I do or say.
I was at an all time low last night. Everyone knew it, because I was really quiet- and if you know me, I'm never ever quiet.
I was numb- no anger, or sadness, just emptiness.
I decided to go to sleep early last night- I hadn't anything better to do.
There are so many thoughts going through my head.
Worries, frustrations-
So I took all those emotions- and decided to clean the entire fucking house this morning.

I had enough!!!

I saw a bug this morning while making myself coffee. I hadn't seen a bug here in nearly ten years!!!
I'm such a freaking girl when it comes to bugs and rodents!
So I cleaned the whole house, mopped, swept, wiped- you name it.
All while listening to music, blaring through my headphones.
Music is my way to get away from everything and everyone.
Afterwards I showered and got dressed. The kids were getting restless and so was I.
Dave and my dad slept the entire time I spent cleaning.
Dave asked me- "Wouldn't you rather chill than go outside?"
To which I replied "Have I ever just chilled and relaxed????"
It's been a long fucking while- plus it's hard for me to just sit back and relax with kids that are anxious to get outside and do something.
I got my blood test results in the mail- not in detail- just telling me what I already know- they were abnormal and I need to see an endocrinologist soon.
DUH!

I'm emotionally exhausted.
I might have to go back on Geodon, after slowly going through withdrawal from not taking it.
I've been off of it for awhile now- I see that might have to change.
I feel more lonely than anything.
Ever with all my family around.
I have all these internal thoughts and feelings- that I don't feel the need to share with anyone.
In a house full of people- I'm still alone.
I might post the excerpt later this week.
I think it shows my sense of humor while still talking about a serious subject matter.
Would you read a book filled with real stories about sex with both genders, drugs, hospitalizations, eating disorders, near death experiences ( the list goes on and on)?

Lemme know.

Kisses Bitches!

*photo of me need deep in mania- yes I am actually sitting in the middle of a busy street with cars coming. The photo was taken by a brilliant fashion photographer, my dear old friend Udo. I have many fond memories of talking dirty to him, in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. It would crack us both up.

Coffee...so niiiiiiiiice....

Yum!

I haven't had coffee in weeks- and today I said hello to my dear old friend. Coffee.

I probably haven't told y'all that Dave finally went to the dentist this past week, after 20 years!!!

He had two teeth pulled- he still as of today has to eat soft foods.

So he was prescribed vicodin- my oldest, dearest and truest friend.

My beloved Vicodin and me go way back.

Dave has been so nice to me while he's been on this medication. Like a whole new person.

It always makes me sad when this medication runs out.

Dave's been trying to push Vicodin on me- because truly I do believe it makes me a better person;)

But alas, I haven't touched it.

Dave hasn't been so easily irritated with me lately. I quite like it this way.

BTW I'm now on my second cup of mojo ( french vanilla coffee- yummmmmm).

My body hurts and even though I know vicodin is only a few steps away- I must not.

Dave asks me from time to time- why aren't we alcoholics?

Besides the obvious answers ( we have kids, we both used to be alcoholics and so on and so on) I always tell him, because we are poor dear- and can't afford alcohol. That's TOO expensive.

We have a wedding to go to this month.

It's only the second wedding I've ever been to. Of course besides my hack of a wedding.

And this wedding will have an open bar- it's an Irish wedding.

I told Dave before we go to this very important wedding, that happens to be one of my bestest friends getting married, God Bless her-

Number one- no excuses, he cannot under any circumstance back out of going to this wedding.

Number two- he must not get wasted! That would be BAD.

Number three- there is no number three- just stick to number one and two!

After all, Dave can down about 15 beers in probably one hour- and that's with him taking his time.

I don't drink the way I used to. Except for my birthday party- at which I got completely wasted.

Not a proud moment.

So as I finish the wonderful last drop of my fantastic coffee, I think back to the good old days of being on vicodin.

And think sadly of the upcoming day- when the vicodin is all gone. And Dave will be annoyed with me yet again.

BOO-WHOOO.

Kisses Bitches!

* photo found on the net- I think it fits

Please... you've got to help mee...

I took Violet to the doctor EARLY this morning. I was out of the house before 8 A.M.- ON A SATURDAY!

We don't know what's causing her to be sick- it could be a number of parasites- so they will be testing her for that. I also JUST got the list of things needed for Violet to be ALLOWED to start school- such as shots and things of the sort.

So today on top of everything she got her first TB shot. Oh my!

And Tuesday I have to go back to the doctor early in the morning to "read" her TB shot results- meaning she can't start school that day. Also on that day she might be receiving a few vaccines as well. And you all know how I feel about vaccines...

I feel so bad for my baby girl.

So today I took her shopping- for some much needed shoes and a book bag and lunch box.

Payless has an awesome sale right now and I had a twenty percent off coupon on top of that.

She LOVES shoes and bags- in this sense she is a girlie girl. But her favorite things are still the color blue and green and dinosaurs.

I have to see my doctor again soon. The medication he gave me for my thyroid isn't working- it's super low right now- I've been feeling my heartbeat going all over the place- I'm exhausted and my body hurts a lot.

I've been taking aspirin yet again. This always happens when my thyroid is really low and no one knows why.

I feel like I'm going to pass out- so I'll make this super quick.

On top of everything I had a very bizarre dream last night-

Eddie Murphy- YES- Eddie Murphy was in my dream. I have NO CLUE WHY.

And he told me I need to get myself checked out by a doctor. He signaled to my abdomen.

I said to him "Eddie Murphy, are you trying to tell me I have Cancer?"

To which he replied. "Yes."

Like I said bizarre.

So I really want to know my blood tests results now.

I'm not scared- I know no matter what- I'll live through it.

I just know this. I don't know how I know- I just do.

Dave just handed me two aspirin- and I'm gonna lay down now.

Thanks my beautiful bitches- for listening to my dumb ass.