Tired of fighting

Why does everything, ALWAYS have to be a fight?!
I'm fighting with my family, with my sister, with Dave- you name it.
Everyone's giving me their opinions of what I should do with my body.
Tomorrow I go to the hospital for -finally- my mammogram and goodness knows what other exams.
I'm fed up with everything.
Yes I'm depressed. Kind of hard to hide it.
But meanwhile- everyone comes to me with their depression and their problems to solve- when I can't even handle my own.
Today Violet saw a new school- They'll let me know tomorrow if she's accepted or not.
The school was beautiful and Violet looked really happy there.
I talked to their social worker at the school- and she asked me, after I told her my story- "How do you manage getting out of bed everyday?"
I replied "Not very well."
She nodded, and said she hoped Violet would be accepted into the school.
I slept during the day today- which I NEVER do.
When I got back from Violet's new school, my sister and Dave were fighting with me- I just gave up- soaked in a hot bath and went to sleep.
If I could sleep all day- wow- that would be a dream come true.
I just want to crawl into a hole- and hide-never to see anyone ever again.
Do you ever feel like that?
I'm physically exhausted- my body aches.


I'll let youknow what happens tomorrow.
I hope they have an answer- instead of the very technical phrase Doctor's use:"We don't know why"- meaning "Now be on your way! Shoo already!!!"

Kisses Bitches!

Boob day

I hadn't slept in four days- I was nervous about yesterday's mammogram.
One of my very best gals came with me- I felt honored. I filled out some forms.
They finally called me in, and immediately took me aside.
The nurse asked me if I've ever had a mammogram before- I replied yes, and sonogram, so on and so on.
She said she didn't want to expose me to that much radiation- to which I laughed.
Because I've had several CatScans and MRI- pretty much every year for about 17 years straight.
Then I told her what was wrong- the pain in my left breast , that I haven't been able to wear bras for over a week.
She talked to her supervisor- and then said to me just like this:
" I'm so sorry but we have to reschedule this mammogram for today.
If this was just an annual mammogram there wouldn't be a problem, but-
there's obviously a serious problem here, and we need a radiologist present.
He will look at the mammogram film at the moment it's being done and he may send you for a sonogram as well, and maybe something after that- that same day."
Wow! That took the wind out of me!
I scheduled it for Tuesday morning at 9:30 A.M.
She apologized. And said the person that made the appointment- they had no idea I would need the radiologist present.
I asked her if I should still keep my breast surgeon appointment for that following Friday, October 7th.
She said "Keep it!"
Okay- so now I won't sleep till Tuesday.
I was in a lot of pain last night and couldn't sleep, I took a pain killer- which made me yap away for the next two hours- then pass the fuck out.
Finally.
So here I am today- still uncomfortable and not feeling well. I'm so tired even though I got a lot of sleep. My body hurts really badly. I can't wait to get some answers.
I HOPE they'll have some answers for me.
My friends and family- know that I want both breasts removed- I've wanted this for over four years now- no reconstruction- no implants.
Most people look at me like I'm crazy when I say this- but it's my body, not there's.
My boobs my problem- your boobs- YOUR problem.

Kisses Bitches - Check YOUR TA-TAS MAMAS!!!

Ta-Tas- the on going saga

Hey guys and gals-
It's the beginning of the week and so much has happened already.
I had a horrible weekend- that was truly bipolar.
I was suffering and truly was hitting a new low.
I was on the phone with my therapist, and we had talked about me going back to the institution.
Yeah- THAT bad.
Thankfully I pulled through and I'm now back on Geodon.
It has been my life saver- literally.
I'm in a much much much better mood now. Phew!!
I have to tell you all that I went to the doctor today- because my left breast has been bothering me again-
Yes, again: I went through a really bad time about four years ago.
I felt a lump in my left breast and had it biopsied (very very freaking painful!), mammograms, sonograms, everything- four years ago.
Everything turned out okay, but they couldn't guarantee that wouldn't happen again.
It was one of the scariest times in my life.
I wanted both my breasts removed at that time- I never wanted to experience that pain and fear ever again.
But of course doctors didn't listen- because I was labeled "bipolar" they thought I was crazy.
One doctor agreed with me but it wasn't enough to plead my case to the insurance company.
After that- I never felt the same about my breasts- these things could kill me.
I was uncomfortable in my own skin.
I felt the minute I started liking my breast again, something bad would happen.
And here we are today.
I have had pain in my left breast- the very same breast that had the lump years ago.
I had to yell at Dave to come to the doctor with me.
He didn't understand why I needed him there!
He decided after my yelling- to come with me.
Truth was I was very scared to be in the same position I was years ago, especially alone- my nightmare.
He didn't talk to me much on the way there. I was yapping my head off because I was nervous- I talk a LOT that's how I deal. TOUGH!
I was in the doctor's office when I explained the things that've been happening.
I undressed- he examined my ta-tas.
I love that the doctor felt nervous- because he's a man and Dave was watching him do this.
I have no problem being nude- as you all know very well ( used to be a nude model).
Afterwards he told me I need to see a breast surgeon and get another mammogram.
When he said that- I felt like crying- but you all know I hate crying especially in public, so I didn't. I held it all in.
He then asked if I wanted to get dressed, I said sure- and did so in front of him, he was so bashful and told me he'd would look the other way. I found it funny.
When I turned to Dave, half-naked to put on my clothes Dave said quickly "More for me!"
Always cracking jokes!
Finally he spoke!!
After that he talked to me on our way home.
I needed a perk me up- because I was feeling depressed again, not too bad- but there WAS a reason for feeling this way.
So a Ricky's store was a block away ( my favorite store of all time!!!) It's a beauty HAVEN!!!
I just looked at everything- and all the colors and hair accessories and wigs- made me feel better.
Did I mention my hair's falling out again- yeah.
No matter what- I'm gonna look fabulous!
I hope this is my last time going through this- and they cut my ta-tas off.
Dave and I used to joke- we'd put my boobs in jars and ask people if they wanted to see my boobs?!
Yeah- we have a really gross sense of humor- but how else to you get through times like this- I'd much rather laugh than cry- any day.
My mom told my dad why I went to the doctor (while I was out) he was home because he just had knee surgery. When I came home- he tried to show me he was worried and felt bad for me, and put his arm awkwardly around my shoulders.
I told him "I'll be fine Dad, they're JUST boobies!" Trying to make light of the situation.
I always have a hard time sharing feelings with my dad and vice versa.
But I appreciated the effort he made.

That's the news for now-
Kisses Bitches!!!! Check your ta-tas MAMAS!!!