I had Dave and my mom read an excerpt from the book I started writing the other day.Both weren't too happy.
And that part was TAME!
Dave loved the writing but it reminded him of me when I was manic- not his favorite times that's for sure.
My mom wasn't too pleased either.
So from now on- family doesn't get to read my writing- except my sister- who doesn't judge me, no matter what I do or say.
I was at an all time low last night. Everyone knew it, because I was really quiet- and if you know me, I'm never ever quiet.
I was numb- no anger, or sadness, just emptiness.
I decided to go to sleep early last night- I hadn't anything better to do.
There are so many thoughts going through my head.
Worries, frustrations-
So I took all those emotions- and decided to clean the entire fucking house this morning.
I had enough!!!
I saw a bug this morning while making myself coffee. I hadn't seen a bug here in nearly ten years!!!
I'm such a freaking girl when it comes to bugs and rodents!
So I cleaned the whole house, mopped, swept, wiped- you name it.
All while listening to music, blaring through my headphones.
Music is my way to get away from everything and everyone.
Afterwards I showered and got dressed. The kids were getting restless and so was I.
Dave and my dad slept the entire time I spent cleaning.
Dave asked me- "Wouldn't you rather chill than go outside?"
To which I replied "Have I ever just chilled and relaxed????"
It's been a long fucking while- plus it's hard for me to just sit back and relax with kids that are anxious to get outside and do something.
I got my blood test results in the mail- not in detail- just telling me what I already know- they were abnormal and I need to see an endocrinologist soon.
DUH!
I'm emotionally exhausted.
I might have to go back on Geodon, after slowly going through withdrawal from not taking it.
I've been off of it for awhile now- I see that might have to change.
I feel more lonely than anything.
Ever with all my family around.
I have all these internal thoughts and feelings- that I don't feel the need to share with anyone.
In a house full of people- I'm still alone.
I might post the excerpt later this week.
I think it shows my sense of humor while still talking about a serious subject matter.
Would you read a book filled with real stories about sex with both genders, drugs, hospitalizations, eating disorders, near death experiences ( the list goes on and on)?
Lemme know.
Kisses Bitches!
*photo of me need deep in mania- yes I am actually sitting in the middle of a busy street with cars coming. The photo was taken by a brilliant fashion photographer, my dear old friend Udo. I have many fond memories of talking dirty to him, in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. It would crack us both up.
