10 Sleepless nights

10 days! Yep ! I went 10 days with almost little to NO SLEEP! before 2 nights ago.
Yes, I am Bipolar.
I don't say I HAVE bipolar disorder.
You can say you have it or you ARE it, it's whatever floats  your boat ppl.
Bipolar is a huge part of my identity.
And has been since I was diagnosed  in 2003 (officially).
It took a long time to get diagnosed. 2003 was the first time I was institutionalized.
Notice I said FIRST. there would be MANY, too many to count actually, afterwards.
As well as multiple hospitalizations for my eating disorders.
Sleepless nights have been a part of my life since childhood.
They are no fun.
And the longer they stretch the more your mind wonders. Panic sets in. Anxiety gets worse- I have severe anxiety as it is, no sleep makes it ten times worse.
This was a hypomanic stretch, not full mania, hypomania is different, and different for different people.
Mine---mostly panic,  irritation, no sleep, racing thoughts, but not super happy and bright sunshine and sparkles, ya know what I'm saying?
Not that mania is fun. It's actually quite dangerous.
I was cycling really fast and my adhd medication burn off in the afternoon  was hitting me harder than usual.
Yes, I have ADHD as well.
I know this is kind of a long post, but I realize I haven't written about my bipolar in awhile. I guess I was feeling very antisocial. But I'm coming out of my shell again and want to be more open again

Somedays

I've been having days like these.
They are all too familiar.
Filled to the brim with feelings
So many feelings
I feel like I can't breathe
I want to cry so bad from all the sadness
All the madness
Not one tear is shed
Not one
Just these overwhelming feelings
Consume me
Overtake  me
Inhale me
Where am I?
Where do I go?
Where do I fit in?
Now there is no more for me with all these feelings amuck
What a mess they've made
Fucking feelings.
Not one damn tear.
And no room left for me.

I'm left on the outside as usual.
Damn feelings,
Won't you hurry up.
Calm down and let me in?

Unhappy thoughts much?

Get these unhappy thoughts out of my head!
My hurt and pain coming up like vomit
It just keep boiling
Up and up and up
I feel out of control
Yet I know these are just thoughts
I am MORE THAN THIS
I am more than my pain and suffering.
I am more than just my body
My body is not a waste can.
I am worthy of more.
This darkness is all consuming
It offers nothing I want there.
I see beauty in my children's smiles yet feel separated by a door that I have created,  but I can open.
Why can I not open this DAMN FUCKING DOOR?!
This door to happiness  and completion?!
When it is my turn to get to the other side of my recovery??
Through this journey
Every time I think I'm almost at the finish line I'm THROWN back to the start, wobbling knees and shell shocked.
I want to stop these horrid thoughts.
Thoughts won't you stop.
You do me no good.
Happiness come find me down the road between pain and sorrow. I'll be waiting for you with open arms and when I see you ill come running, crying like a small child who thought she was lost but then was found

Facing my demons

Some days are a LOT harder than others.  Posting selfies is a lot harder than  it looks for people like me. Especially during certain dark times.
This #selflovebootcamp is kicking my assand has become a huge trigger for me and all my insecurities, my hurt and past traumas.
  I know though this is actually something I NEED TO FACE AND GO THROUGH its just extremely difficult. I admit I was starving myself again.  It was doing nothing to change my weight really,  since I have hashimotos disease, and am going through menopause ( due to a full hysterectomy and hormones not working), and medication, the list goes on, I'm mostly in a wheelchair.

I'm FORCING myself to EAT an apple right now and oatmeal this morning literally forced it down my throat.
Every time I think I've got this recovery thing down, it's tricked me.
And then I have to take a good hard look at myself and say is this what I want my kids to see???
And go through themselves? ??
I want them to be confident, strong, never doubt how beautiful  they are INSIDE and OUTSIDE!
Yet here I am, the hypocrite.
I'm crying several times a day.
Facing many of my demons-
Bipolar disorder
Body dysmorphia
Eating disorder
depression
anxiety
chronic illnesses
autism
adhd
mom
On and on

Trying to be the BEST MOMMY I CAN BE!
Pouring FROM THE MOST EMPTY CUP EVER!

I am facing my fears head  on and I am terrified.
But So glad I am doing this.
I am glad I'm forcing myself to eat.
And facing my "demons".

Are you going through something similar?

Anxiety

I have an anxiety problem.
Tomorrow I have to go to SSI because they threatened to take it away again even though I've had it for only 5 months. Insane, I know.
The night before I have things I've got to do that I know will be stressful- I don't sleep. Even now- over a week till my daughter's hospital visit I worry and am extremely anxious.
I remember the time I spent in school- stressing out all the time over stupid tests.
Man, I HATED school ALWAYS. I would not want to go back ever.
I remember taking a test in fifth grade- a math test and leaning over to my friend- who thought she knew everything and maybe she did, and asked her for the answer to a question that was troubling me- what was the question you ask?- The question was what was 8 times 11?
Yeah- that simple. I freaked- she gave me the answer. And yes I cheated in fifth grade- sue me! I helped many friends in High school during their tests on much tougher questions- so it evens out.
Even thinking about getting my cosmetology license- and having to go to school and take tests again, gives me anxiety. And I LOVE hair. Styling, cutting, the products everything. I've done it for years but don't have a license. Besides cosmetology school costing an INSANE amount of money ($16,000)- that only 1/3 is covered by financial aid and loans. I worry about taking tests and my anxiety levels. I have enough stress in my life right now, daily. No need to add some tests into the picture.
I have a goal in mind right now- I set up many for myself all the time- small ones that I feel I can achieve. This one being to not cut or color my hair till September 2010.
That'll make it a year since I'd shaved my hair off ( Sept. 2009). Let's see if I can do it. Hopefully the anxiety of my hair looking like crap won't make me freak out and cut it all off again, just maybe.
I'll be posting monthly updates with photos on how I'm doing- besides my (almost) daily blogs.

This is a photo of what my hair looks like as of a week ago. Wish me luck.

Stay tuned...