My apartment hunting saga of 2010 continues

We found an apartment, one we all like. Big enough and with lots of sunshine!
Totally different from our hellhole of apartment we have now.
No daylight- and the whole place is falling apart on us.
Our current shitty building's new handyman- told us he's never seen an apartment so neglected by a landlord before. And that our landlord is the worst he's ever come across- and that's saying a lot.
We filled out all the applications- and it looked like everything was going well.
Till I got a call today from the broker asking me about our old housing court case.
I explained everything. How my kids and I have been ill consistently for over a year now due to the amount of mold on our ceiling, and all the other problems with the apartment that the landlord never had any intention of actually FIXING. He just wanted to paint OVER IT!
I even got a call from a painter TODAY- telling me he heard from "management" that we need painting done and some cabinets fixed.
I said "uhhh- WHAT?! We are moving at the end of November!"
He replied "Does the management know about this?"
"Uh- YEAH- they DO!"
"oh okay, I'll talk to management."
I told him "Nothing will be done in this apartment till we're gone. You got it?!"
"ok."

Are you serious?! Some painting and cabinet work? Oh my gosh they have no clue- well actually they do know what needs to be done in this apartment but they are TOO CHEAP and such freaking bastards- that they'll do nothing and let it be the person's (who buys this hellhole) problem.
Such pricks!!!

I took Levi to a new sensory gym this morning.
Now I've told several people including therapists- that he FREAKS out with change. He'll have a total meltdown - even when I'm pushing the stroller and I stop at a red light.
But they all think I'm exaggerating.
Well NOT ANYMORE!
I took Lee to the gym- the minute we entered the lobby- he freaked out started screaming at the top of his lungs!
His new occupational therapist (o.t. for short) was so surprised at Levi's reaction.
He asked me if something happened? I replied- "Yeah- I came here!"
The rest of the session- over an hour including waiting time in the lobby- he screamed the entire time!!!
Me oh MY!
And yesterday his physical therapist was spinning him in her arms really fast- instead of making him excited- like it does Violet (she LOVES spinning)- Levi FELL ASLEEP!
We were both shocked!!! We have never even heard of a kid doing this!!
Could YOU falling asleep SPINNING?????!!!!
I doubt it.
I told my mom-"Levi takes Autism to a whole new level!"
We both cracked up- I have to deal with all these things with a really really good sense of humor- otherwise I'd be crying every single day.

On another note- yesterday Dave and I had a talk.
He didn't like the way he's portrayed in my blog.
The talk ended with me crying-
I do speak the truth in my blog- just so you know- I don't sugar coat myself- I've always said I'm an asshole.
Second- know that any blog, or book from one person's point of view is always skewed.
The way YOU look at the world is completely different from the way another person views the world- every person's view is a very skewed one.

I understand the frustration Dave feels.
I do see where he's coming from.
I do complain a lot and argue a lot.
I feel bad about this, most times.

All this said- I explained to him-
I don't think he knows how much I believe in him.
For the record-
He is brilliant. He is a way better writer than I will ever be. I'm a hack- I've told you this.
He has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known.
He's my best friend.
I feel he needs help- because the person I KNOW is inside him- the person I love spending time with, sharing my thoughts with, the person I married- is being taken over by "something else".
Someone that is angry most of the time, is anti-social and wants to sleep all the time- much like the way he describes me when I was full blown manic (except for the sleeping all the time)- "like there was a demon who had taken over the person he loved."
That is the same way I feel about him now.
If I didn't feel that way- that the Dave I love and care about is still in there- I wouldn't be here. Still trying to "fix" us.
The hope that we can get rid of this demon- and let the wonderful, kind, caring, loving, funny, brilliant Dave I know and love come through- is what keeps me going.

Sometimes I see this Dave shine through- sometimes it's at 3 o'clock in the morning. We will be talking and laughing and all I'll want is for this moment to last forever, while knowing in the back of my mind it won't last much longer. That feeling makes me sad.
But I have hope that things will change.
I do believe people can change- and change for the better.
I did.
He believed in me all along, stayed with me through thick and thin, forgave me for so much.

I pray we will get this new apartment,
-we will be healthy and not sick all the time anymore
-we will have money
-we will be happy
 -that any "evil" presence that is here now with us now in this hellhole- keeping us down, will no longer be with us and we can finally shine and have a great life.

Kisses Bitches doesn't seem appropriate right now for this blog- so instead-

God Bless you and I wish you an abundance of health, wealth, happiness and love always.


Oh and I pray I'll WIN THE LOTTERY!

*photo of a sensory room (not the one Violet or Lee goes to) It's like a big gymnastics room- fully padded.
Violet's school has one gym like this and ANOTHER with different lights, toys, and sounds - it's the most awesome place I've ever been- EVER!

Today Today Today

Me oh my! What a day I just had.
One of the longest days ever!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was put on a new birth control pill- to stop the horrible pain from the severe endometriosis they think I have (again).
And I really don't want surgery again- so I took the freaking pill.
I was not in pain all night long last night- a plus!
But I was up ALL night long!- NOT a plus!
The pill can cause insomnia- oh boy!
The kids woke up at 5 A.M. cracking each other up- how? I have no clue. But they were hysterically laughing.
I took them in the living room to eat breakfast- and took my thyroid medication- I was SO super hungry I could barely wait the hour I was supposed to- and let it absorb into my system.
I wanted FOOD and I wanted it NOW!
I made my coffee and bagel and cream cheese. Yummmmmm!
More than TWO hours of the kids running around like crazy!!! It was madness!
I finally put Violet on the school bus- then I had to do some laundry ( some not all- otherwise I would have been there all day long). During that time- the nasty rusty old pipes under my kitchen sink burst and I had a flood in the kitchen- all this before 10 a.m!
I was on the phone with several brokers looking for a new apartment around the same time I was mopping up the flood and watching Levi.
I have been getting headaches on and off all day, plus cramping, plus anxiety, plus pain in my joints.
I feel like a total wreck!
Dave and I were fighting all day long!
We both hadn't slept- and it was nuts!
We rent video games from gamefly every month.
A few days ago he discovered he really liked the game "the Darkness" (based off a comic done by the same people that did WitchBlade- if you don't know the comic WitchBlade- man I feel pity for you- because it was THAT awesome- in the beginning)
I have no problem him playing video games- I actually like watching- not playing as much. Only if I LOVE the game.
But I DO have a problem if I'm overwhelmed with watching my two crazy kids- one in destruction mode (Violet), and not feeling even remotely like myself.
I kept asking him PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE shut it off for now- until the kids are asleep.
Of course- he did what he wanted- this led to even more fighting.
I'm physically and mentally exhausted. I HATE fighting- I really do.
Being at each others throats- not fun at all.
I had planned on seeing several apartments today with my father- but I felt like a mess- plus Dave was falling asleep and I couldn't leave him alone with the kids. So I sent my mom and sister in my place.
They actually found a really beautiful place that they liked. They showed me video and photos of the place- I like it too. I think this may be the place.
I'd still be living in Manhattan- but more uptown- and on the east side.
Even though I WOULD LOVE to leave Manhattan and head to beautiful Brooklyn- we were having a hard time finding something affordable, big enough and easy to travel to the city from ( both my parents work in the city). Plus the stairs were really difficult for my mom to climb up- her arthritis in her knees is really bad.
I LOVE Brooklyn SO much- the food, the people, the scenery. I had the BEST burger and sweet potato fries I've ever had in my entire life at a diner in Brooklyn. Afterwards I picked up a dozen of the most wonderful donuts I've seen in such a long time in this little hole in the wall donut shop (usually I'm krispy Kreme's BITCH!!! I HATE Dunkin Donuts- EWWW!) They were fresh and so amazing. YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
My awesome friend Karen, took my parents and I around for a tour around the neighborhood. She has helped me so much in this crazy search for a new home. Thank you so much Karen- I owe you!
Even if I don't move to Brooklyn- I'm gonna visit almost every week!

On another note-I've been stuffing my face with sweet treats all day long. The cravings are so intense- I might hurt someone if they get in my way- kinda cravings.
I have never eaten so much sugar in one day before. And I haven't fell into a food coma yet!!! What the FUCK?! I LOVE food comas- it's just bliss- pure unconscious bliss- no freaking joke!
Man I really hope these cravings and all this pain wears off soon from the medication soon. I don't want to stop taking it yet- not until I know for sure- that these feeling won't go away.
Hopefully I won't gain like 40,000 lbs in a month. Oh god I hope not.

On top of everything that happened today- Violet was insane- she hadn't slept at all today - and barely slept last night. So she tries to keep herself awake by destroying things- and running around like a crazy woman.
I'm exhausted!
She FINALLY passed out a few minutes ago- as did Dave. PHEW!
Peace and Quiet- well...Levi isn't asleep just yet- but he's not noisy right now and I can tell he's getting sleepy.
I should be unconscious by now, right??! But no I'm wide awake!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!

And that's where I'll leave this blog post.
With everyone thinking What the fuck?!
That's good right?

Kisses Bitches!!!
Woohooo Halloween is coming!!

P.S.- I sad to my mom "I'm gonna go to the bathroom right now, and go kill myself." ( I said partially joking). She replied "Okay dear, have a good time!"
That cracked me up!!! My mom's so crazy! I love her!

Such a Weird Night!!!

Last night was CRAZY- and not in a good way.
Late in the evening yesterday- I had to run outside to Walgreen's to pick up a medication for my sister.
I had a bad feeling- but had no other choice but to go out.
I wanted Dave to come with me- but he was really tired, as usual, and had no pants- only shorts.
All his pants were in the laundry- I have A LOT of laundry to do- it's SO expensive.
I can't wait to have my own washer and dryer- but this is off topic-
I went outside by myself- I was extra paranoid- because of this bad feeling I had.
While I was in Walgreen's a strange older gentleman was watching me (and not actually shopping ), following me around the store- oh goodie.
I was going to take the stairs when I realized he was going to follow me there as well- so I ran into the elevator just before it closed! Phew!
And I made sure he didn't follow me home.
My bad feeling- was correct.
Thank goodness nothing happened.
I got home pissed off.
While I was outside I saw all these happy couples- holding hands- enjoying each other's company.
And it made me think about Dave and I-
How I have to BEG him to go places with me- even if it's outside for a few minutes.
Before I went to sleep- I got into bed and Dave asked me if I was okay.
I told him how I felt- how I wish he would want to do things with me and such.
We fell asleep.
I woke up to horrible horrible stomach pains and cramping.
I saw Dave was awake- he told me this "Don't be worried hunny, but I feel really weak and cold and lightheaded. I think I have to go to the hospital".
This was at 2 a.m.
I didn't have any bad feeling in my stomach- meaning I knew he was going to be okay.
I asked him if he had drank anything- he might be dehydrated.
He drank some water and went back to bed.
He wanted to hold me hand- that was different.
Then he said to me "Hunny, I want to apologize for all the times I fucked up".
Okay NOW I knew something was wrong- I replied "Do you think you're going to die???"
He said "Yes. But I'm not afraid of death. I'm afraid of leaving you alone- and missing you".
As he said this,he held my hand tight and was in a cold sweat. I could tell he was emotional.
I had to calm him down. I felt he was having a painc attack more than a real heart attack.
At that point- Levi started breathing strange. Short and fast breaths.
I immediately rushed over to him.
I think he was having a nightmare- he woke up crying and I soothed him back to sleep, telling him it was just a dream, everything's okay.
I crawled back into bed, with the heating pad on my stomach.
Dave asked me "Was that an omen?"
I replied "No. He just had a bad dream."
He then told me he was afraid to go to the doctor alone- I told him "No worries, I be there and I'll bring Levi, just try to breathe slowly- fill your stomach with air and blow out from your nose- to calm yourself down."
This is where my yoga training comes in handy ;)
He did this while holding my hand tightly- still in a cold sweat.
I prayed inside my head- "God please make my family feel better, please heal them."
I also told the spirit to leave us alone, to crossover to the other side, and that there are things WORSE than Death- and I have the power to do this. So he must leave.
A few hours later- Dave felt a bit better. Levi and Violet woke up at 6 a.m. and it was time to start the day- no matter how exhausted and in pain I was.

And that was my crazy crazy night.
I'm going to make an emergency doctor's appointment in a few minutes for Dave.
Wish us luck.

Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo found on the net- thought it was appropriate

Oh My GOODNESS!

Hey everyone!
Sorry it's been awhile- it's been quite hectic here.
I've been looking at new apartments, going to doctors, running around like a chicken without a head.
Today I saw doctors! Woohoo! In one day- Lucky me.
The first was a gyno- and he didn't have good news to tell me.
Apparently he thinks my endometriosis is back- and in a really bad stage- meaning not much can be done to fix it other than surgery.
But surgery has it's own many many risks- He thinks my insides are twisted due to lots of C-sections and prior surgeries. By him opening me up again, it would be very risky and complications could happen with bladder, uterus, basically all my insides. OH joy! He put me on new birth control medication- which usually makes me really ill. Oh and he gave me another Pap smear-  to make sure it's not cancer- after everything was done, I said to him "Fun times. Fun times." To which he laughed. Hopefully this will help the pain, otherwise my other options aren't any better- the last option being surgery.
Then after that FANTASTIC news- I went for my breast sonogram.
Oh yea- and when he was prescribing me the medication- he asked me if I get migraines- to which I replied- "Yes, yes I do. Why do you ask?"
He then said "do you see an aura before you get them. Can you "sense" it will happen before it actually happens?"
"Ummm, I get pain. It starts small- gets big fast".
He answered "Ok, because if you do and you're on this medication you could possibly have a brain hemorrhage."
I looked at him, like "Are you fucking kidding me?!!!"
He was dead serious.
Apparently I pissed off the wrong spirit, or god or something-
because everyone has been hitting me straight between the eyes!
Including the sonogram technician.
She was such a cunt!!!
Asking all kinds of inappropriate questions. She was so super nasty to me.
I didn't get an attitude at all with her, or anyone else that's been getting mad at me for only god knows what reasons.
Everyone asks me why I don't get angry back.
I just don't- I try to maintain my cool and be polite no matter how out of line they are.
As far as I know and feel- it's their karma they are ruining, not mine.
I don't know the results yet, but tomorrow I see the breast surgeon. Fun times.
A Broker called me about an apartment- and starting the conversation by yelling at me. She was so pissed at me- and I'd never ever talked to her before.
Again, I was nice and polite the entire way through.
I told Dave later that I feel I'm ignored by everyone all the time-unless they're angry. Then I get it right between the eyes.
I don't even know what I did to deserve it.
All I try to do all day- everyday, is help people.
I'm just trying to keep my cool- even with everything in chaos.
I'm under so much stress right now- emotionally and physically.
Just trying to get through the day- the week- the month.
I hope someone's watching up there- and something so magical is going to happen to my family and I- and sometime SOON would help.

That's the news thus far-
Kisses Bitches! Be nice to each other, would ya?

Me so tired

I'm so exhausted!!
I went with Violet for her second day of her new school.
But I haven't been sleeping well for DAYS!
Last night at 4 A.M. I was tossing and turning, Levi woke up and Dave was really nasty and mean to me- do I remember what he said exactly- no because it was FOUR O'CLOCK in the fucking morning.
WAY too early to be arguing.
He was feeling very ill last night and hadn't slept- so apparently it's okay to totally lose your temper as long as you have a "good" excuse?
While Dave was in the bathroom, I picked up Lee out of the crib to comfort him.
He was SO happy to see that it was me- not Dave- picking me up to cuddle.
He kept smiling at me and putting his head on my shoulder.
Then he played "face hugger"- by this I mean, have you seen the movie Aliens???
He took his finger and kept trying to put it in my mouth- then trying to put it in my nose- the whole time I'm laughing saying to him "Levi! You little face hugger!!"
He thought it was hilarious!
Eventually he got tired again and went back to sleep.
I finally fell asleep around 5:30 a.m. just to have to wake up an hour later to get Violet and me ready for the school bus.
Did I ever mention how much I hated school, back in the day. I mean absolutely HATED, DREADED freaking school.
So it's hilarious to me- that I'm waking up at this time to go with my daughter to her school.
She had another great day today at school.
This morning she even tried a piece of my bagel with cream cheese!!!
It's like a whole new Violet!!! Woohoo.
Well not completely- she still has a meltdown at meal time every single day, in school and at home.
A half an hour after we got home I had to rush her off to her sensory gym.
Two hours later, she had therapy at home- and that's when her mental breakdown started.
Screaming, crying- because she's exhausted.
I'm exhausted- and I don't run around half as much as she does- and on as little food as she does.
I have no idea where she gets the abundance of energy she has.
They wanted me to come to school again tomorrow, and even though I DO LOVE the school, and of course my child- and the other children as well- I need some freaking sleep!!!
All her classmates- They are some of the most amazing kids you'll ever meet!!
All these kids with all kinds of physical and learning disabilities- they are so sweet and kind.
I bonded with a few of them.
One boy in her class follows Violet around and sings her name to a made up melody.
The kids were following me around the classroom, coming up to me- playing with me.
It's such an amazing experience- I cannot even describe how much I adore these kids- even after only two days.
Everyone at this school is so lucky, including the teachers.
Good thing is they have an open door policy, and I can come anytime I'd like.
I should be sleeping right now- but instead I'm typing.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around my own husband.
His emotions are all over the place.
I LOVE that after he blew up at me this morning, he said I was being oversensitive- that's when I said- "Whoa- back up!"
"In a few minutes you are going to realize that you just blew your fucking top- for no good reason- and you are going to feel really bad that you did that."
At that point, he apologized.
I wanted him to go to the doctor today- but he avoids the doctor like the plague.
Where is a fucking blow dart when I need it????
But instead of knocking him out- it'll just make him be nice.
Man I WANT that freaking drug!!!
On another note- I've been trying to schedule that second mammogram because something is going on with my left breast.
Instead of being sad or depressed about the possibility of cancer- I make jokes about it- at my expense. It puts my family at ease and they laugh a little. My dad hates that I make jokes about the lump.
Finally my mom had to tell him, it's better for me to laugh about it- than cry.
He decided to donate one day of his salary to Breast Cancer Foundation. I found that really touching- since my dad doesn't communicate his feelings very well at all- especially about me- except if he's mad at me- that he's always expressed really really well.


So I'll end this blog here for now-
Kisses Bitches!!!

Violet's brand new school!!!

I'm am so proud of Violet!!!
I know for sure after being there the whole day with her today at the school that THIS is the BEST school for Violet.
I fell in love with every child there!!!Most of them have physical disabilities as well as learning disabilities.
They were the cutest, sweetest most lovable kids I've ever seen (other than my own of course)
The teachers there absolutely love all the children there and take fantastic care of them.
They asked me to come back for the rest of the week and more, if I'd like.
I felt honored.
I enjoyed playing with all the children and watching Violet play with her new friends.
I knew- in my heart- that this is the very best school for her!
It's a YAI school. YAI has the best therapists and they really make you feel like family.
We are going to their Halloween party October 28th!!!
I cannot wait!!!
Most of the building is YAI schools from ages 3- up to adulthood.
Violet was tired today and had a few cranky moments but overall- she had a fantastic day.
She even sat on the potty TWICE for 5 seconds at a time!!!
And tried two new foods!!!
She painted and colored with all the kids.
Two kids seem to really like her, a sweet little boy- who kept smiling and saying hi to me and a little beautiful girl (she's autistic and doesn't speak). But she gave me great eye contact!!!
As I clapped for her and sang songs with the class.
I was so happy there.
I was exhausted from not sleeping- and not really eating- because Violet wouldn't let me leave the room to go get myself some lunch- but overall the day was magical.
I think Violet is really happy there.
She passed out soon after we got home, so we had to miss sensory gym.
But I could tell she was happy. She even took off her shoes and socks there- she was THAT comfortable there.
She was princess of the class for a day!!
She even got a whole PAGE of stickers and on the ride home on the school bus she stuck the happy face stickers all over her car seat!
I came more with a bit of a migraine ( the beginning of one) because I hadn't eaten.
So I ate some, drank a big old jug of coffee and took a shower.
The pain is going away now- PHEW!
And I can't wait to go back to school tomorrow.
Violet's napping now and I think she's having good dreams about her new school.

Thank goodness this all worked out in the end.

Kisses Bitches!!! Be good to your kids!!

*photo of my daughter on the day of her "baby audition" for the her new school ;) She's too funny!

I'm thinking about...

doing a video blog. I wanted to in the past- but wasn't so sure.
I think I'll get a new web cam- since I can't find the old shitty one I used to have- plus technology has improved since then- so maybe you could tell that I'm white?
Lots of things have been happening-
First of all- my family has been passing around the stomach flu like it was fresh new money.
I was running a hospital here. Plus I get a bit O.C.D. about cleaning when people are sick.
Mopped the floor yet again today- second time in a three days.
Sterilized everything!
Everyone's been fighting- probably due to lots of stress including trying to find a new apartment to move into.
My mom and dad have been fighting- nothing new.
Dave and I have been fighting- also not so very new.
Dave has been having migraines for months now- every single day.
I've told him- he needs to see the doctor- he needs to get off pain killers (including Advil)- he needs to eat better/start exercising, yada yada yada.
I realized that's it's been an entire YEAR since we went to the doctor and the doctor told him, his blood pressure was so high, and his weight too high as well- that he could die- any day-anytime- he's a ticking time bomb.
I cried in the office, and she told me alone in her office- Dave needs to change right away or else my babies won't have a father and I'll be planning a funeral.
That was an entire YEAR ago- since then he's gained and lost weight over and over again and gained more often than lost. Ending up right where he started.
He's tired all the time, cranky, snaps a lot. We never know what Dave's gonna say next.
I told him yesterday, I'm tired of hearing- he's gonna change- either he's going to - or he's not. I hate being lied to.
My mom does the exact same thing- tells me she's going to change.
My doctor says I need to give up hope. My parents will never change- because they don't WANT to.
Dave basically told me last night, that even though he made all these promises to me- they were empty because he had no intent on making these changes.
He also told me that if he doesn't feel- happy, angry or sad- then he feels numb.
A total bipolar thing to say by the way.
Bipolars feel things with the intensity of a five year old child.
They feel this feeling, be it mad, sad or happy- whether it's called for or not.
And everything in between is just pure boredom! Is nothingness! It's being numb!

After our long talk-
He was putting Violet to sleep in her crib- I asked him if he was going to sleep- it was only 8 P.M.
to which he replied "No, well I don't want to...but then again every time I tell you this I fall asleep. So I shouldn't say anything. But I'm not going to fall asleep".
Not but  five minutes later- he was fast asleep and snoring.
I went on the computer for awhile-
but couldn't quiet my mind.
So I decided to take a few benadryl tablets- to knock myself the fuck out-
Wow!
I got tired quick.
Of course just when Dave was waking up and wanting to talk to me.
This is how our lives work.
I passed out around 10 P.M. Really early for me-
had very pleasant and bizarre dreams- but not nightmares!!! YAY!
No one woke me up in the morning-
I got up by myself at 9:20 A.M.
Early for most of you guys and gals- late for me.
And that was AWESOME!!!
I had so much energy this morning,
which was great because Dave was still sick as was my mom.
Plus Violet didn't start her new school yet- she starts tomorrow.
I had so many many errands to run and I finally had some energy to do it!!!
I bought some food, a new mop, got quarters for the much need laundry, on and on.
When I got home I couldn't wait to try my brand new mop- that's when I realized I really need to have sex more often- well actually I realized that months and months ago- but this really cemented the idea.
When I realized that a new mop was exciting to me- yeah I NEED another hobby.
Violet and Levi had therapy, I mopped the entire house, made doctor appointments (breasts ultrasound- oh joy), then I took Violet to her sensory gym-
I stayed in the waiting room upstairs, while she had her therapy, and just listened to my headphones and read a magazine!
WOW! Is it my birthday??!!!!
I came home, to Dave cooking dinner!!!!
I thought maybe I was in the wrong home.
Something's different...will it last...who knows? Probably not more than a day- but I'll enjoy it while it lasts!

I go to school with Violet for her first day tomorrow!!!
Very exciting!!
Then of course we get home then go out again for her sensory gym.
Busy Busy bee- you know me.

Sorry to ramble- probably a bit manic- won't last long- so much energy- it's a very nice surprise.

So who thinks a video blog would be a good idea??
Lemme know.

Kisses Bitches!!!
P.S. I REALLY REALLY need a girls night out!!! Who's with me???
I need to drink and dance- and forget every single worry I have- for just a few hours.

Where's my bitches at???!!!
P.P.S. (This is Dave) Uh... I WANT to say I'm usually more charming than these blogs make me sound... but THAT'S probably a lie too...sigh.

Comic Con 2010

This is the ONE event I go to every year.
We save up little by little and finally get to go somewhere with the kids- somewhere fun!!!
It was so nice to be able to get some things for the kids- and ourselves for once.
Usually we just get to look at everything- and sigh.
It was nice for change.
You all know both Violet and Levi have special needs- Violet was in her own world most of the time- but liked the stuffed animals I got her very very much.
Levi was screaming for most of it- but for a few moments at a time- would get the giggles- thanks to my friends!!!
One of my very best gals came with us to the convention and met my other friend at the convention.
We ALL dressed up as Princess Leia- not slave Leia- The "you're my only hope" Leia.
Including both my kids and my sister.
Both Vi and Lee wouldn't keep the hat with the buns on their head.
And YES I dressed my son as Princess Leia- but most people thought he was dressed as Luke Skywalker- because of his blond hair.
My friend and I took turns wheeling my sister around in a wheelchair. You all know she has a heart condition, and walking around a lot is very difficult for her.
So we wheeled her- no biggie- she's a light weight!
This time the convention was HUGE!!! I know we must have missed so many booths!!
A total bummer!!!
But we all had such a great time.
I needed this so much- especially with all the depression and health issues I've been experiencing.
It was a very welcomed break.
I was with my peers- GEEKS!!!
We all love video games, comic books, movies, anime, manga and DRESSING UP!
Awesome!!!
Now we're all back home- back to reality.
Everyone was taking our picture!!! It was so fun!!
My friend said it was her first time dressing up- being the center of attention- going to a comic con.
I get that a lot- That I'm people's "First".
Before you go thinking dirty thoughts- well- you can go ahead and think dirty- sometimes it was.
But usually I just like getting people to do things they've never done before.
In the past- that might have been going to a gay bar, dancing and drinking till the wee hours of the morning- then going to Katz Deli for the munchies.
I like getting people out of their "comfort zone".
I don't think I have one.
Or maybe I do- being in the spotlight! That's my comfort zone.
It's probably all the time I spent manic and dancing on tables- taking the microphone- and pouring drinks from the bar for people even though I was never a bartender.
I feel honored when people feel safe with me- enough to try things they've never done before.
Because I take care of my friends like they are my family- BECAUSE THEY ARE MY FAMILY.
They are safe with me.
Funny thing happened though-
There are ALWAYS people with "free hugs" signs at AnimeFest ( which was a part of Comic Con this year). Mostly it's pervs just wanting a feel.
And usually it's girls. Hahahaha!
I don't usually hug these people.
But I do stop for just about everyone who asks for a photo. Especially kids!!!
No need to be rude ;)
We separated for awhile Dave with the kids, me with my friends and sister, then he got to go alone through the comic con for a few hours. It's only fair.
But as we were all leaving together- my sister's friends included-
all these guys were shouting "Princess Leia want a free hug???"
I would just shake my head- "Thanks- but no thanks" while smiling.
It's still flattering.
But this one GROUP of guys asked a few times- over and over again- RIGHT IN FRONT OF DAVE!!
I shook my head "no" and thought- wow these guys have BALLS asking in front of Dave- and 300+ pound guy- with anger issues! hahahaha!
But he's not the jealous type- at least I've never seen him act like the jealous type.
This time- was different. He looked DEAD in these guys eyes- and said "No no no no no" while shaking his head at them as if they should be ashamed!!!
Then he asked one of them "If you want a hug from me- I'll give you one."
All of us were SHOCKED!
The guy said "Yeah sure!"
And Dave and this random guy did this manly brotherly hug- that men do. And all was forgiven.
There was a look in Dave's eyes that I haven't seen in YEARS and YEARS.
It was jealousy- and it took me by surprise.
And truthfully I liked it- it made me feel special.
It's a great feeling- to feel not only feel like a wife and mother- but like a hot piece of ass.
Fuck yeah!
Hot piece o' ass!

Another funny thing-
A random guy saw my friend, my sister and I (all Leias) and said exact words "So many Leias so little time!"
This made me laugh so freaking hard!!
I LOVE shit like this-stories galore!
At first when we all planned the whole- Leia Legion theme- I didn't think about the whole- Leia Orgy fantasy. Man I'm fucking SLOW!
Today was awesome! No actually beyond awesome- DIVINE!
Can't wait for next year.

Oh wait---soon comes Halloween!!!!
Man, no one has Halloween parties anymore!!! This SUCKS!!!
I'd love to go to an ALL adults only Halloween party. That would be AWESOME!

Okay now I'm going WAY off topic.
I'm gonna stop here.
And probably die a little.
I haven't eaten much today because of the whole stomach bug I had this weekend.
I wish I could go to sleep- and go to the comic con again tomorrow. But alas it's over.
Next time- Weekend pass!!!


Kisses to my geeky beautiful bitches out there!!!
May the Force be with you!
(Yes, I'm a HUGE star wars fan!!! )

Figured out something...

yesterday was really really shitty!
But it had it's moments.
I woke up early- after not really sleeping all night long- a daily occurrence sad to say.
Took a shower- which ended up being FREAKING COLD!
But I didn't let that get me in a bad mood just yet.
Levi had therapy in the morning.
I got dressed up- skirt, tights, button down shirt, brown fake leather "members only" jacket (don't hate!)and red cowboy boots- cuz that's how I roll.
Anywhoo-
I had gotten dressed up to go to the realty agents office- and meet them for the first time.
Turns out it wasn't very cold yesterday- kind warm.
Jacket was a BAD idea.
When I got to the skeazy building- I walked up a flight-
Saw what a shitty little freaking room this office was- and PACKED with agents, practically all sweating on top of each other.
The receptionist asked me if I was here for a job interview?
I took out my headphones- I thought I had misheard her. Nope- she thought I was there for a job.
I told her no, that I have an appointment with an agent to look for apartments.
She immediately told me to sign a contract!
Are you for REAL?!!!!
The contract was insane!!! I started sweating so badly- I don't know if it was just nerves, or my members only jacket or that it was insanely hot in that office- or everything put together.
I walked out. NOT signing a contract-
I learned a long time ago from modeling contracts it's REALLY easy to be fucked over.
I rushed home.
Then it was Violet's turn for therapy.
And I realized everything was going to change sooner rather than later- way before we even move.
We were going to lose all our kids' therapists- which have now become our good friends.
I felt like crying. Probably because the day wasn't going so well.
I've been calling my doctor for four days now- with no response.
Very frustrating.
Then I had to rush Violet to her sensory gym.
When we finally left the gym, I got a message from Dave asking me to pick up something WAY out of my way home.
ARGH!
I gave Violet while I was pushing her in the stroller- a blue sippy cup, a cracker and...a blue feather- she was content.
If you knew my daughter you'd understand why.
I got what Dave needed and headed on my way home finally- around six in the evening.
Violet was excited to be heading home so she was shaking her head and legs in the air on the way home-
shaking that blue feather proudly!
Yeah- My daughter is special- NO SURPRISE!
I laughed at people's reactions to her.
I got home, only to immediately have to cook dinner.
Dave and I got into an argument right before I had to cook dinner- not putting me in a good mood.
While everyone ate dinner- I had a sandwich- peanut butter and nutella- I didn't want the dinner after all.
Then headed for the shower again- I thought I could have maybe just maybe some minutes alone.
Thank goodness the hot water was back on!!!
I washed my hair- which is falling out at a greater pace-
And that's when I found it- another lump in my left breast.
I didn't even cry at this point- didn't shed one tear all day.
When I got out of the shower the kids were being put into their cribs and I had to figure out how to tell my family what I'd just found.
I had Dave feel it so that I knew I wasn't crazy.
He did- and was sad. Our argument had ended at that point.
I went into the living room to watch some T.V. with Dave, my sister and mom on the couch.
At the end of the show I finally told my mom-
she was upset.
I told her even though I'm very sad to lose all our therapists, I can't wait to get out of this toxic horrible apartment.
She agreed.

That was my day.

P.S. Sometime after 3a.m., both Dave and I were awake, and for some reason, he started whispering to me (see if you get it before I reach the end!): "I can't sleep at night. I toss and turn, listenin' for the telephone. But when I get your call, I'm all choked up. Can't believe you called my home. And as a matter of fact, it blows my mind you would even talk to me. Cuz a girl like you's like a dream come true. I'm livin' in ecstasy. No matter what your friends try to tell ya, we were meant to fall in love. And we will be together, any kinda weather. It's like that. It's like that!" He never got to say "every little step I take" because we were both cracking up by then. Bobby Brown.

Kisses Bitches! Every step I take MoFO!

So many Boob tests-so little time

Hey guys and gals- sorry it's been a few days.
I went for my mammogram on Tuesday- and the radiologist wasn't there- like he was supposed to be.
He was supposed to exam the tests results right away then send me for a sonogram and goodness knows what else.
They fucked up- gave me the mammogram and then sent me home.
Fun times.
My doctor called me and asked if the radiologist had been there- but he spoke to Dave instead because I was at the sensory gym with Violet (where I get no phone reception whatsoever).
They had nothing to compare the mammogram results to- they just treated it like a normal annual mammogram- which it wasn't supposed to be due to the symptoms I'm experiencing.
Again like I said, fun times.
Every doctor is postponing appointments- important appointments I really needed to go to.
I'm so done with all this bullshit.
Plus the papers were signed yesterday in court- we now will officially be moving by November 31st.
To where??? I have no clue- I have to find a place FAST!
On top of trying to find a new home, I have doctor's appointments galore- lots of pain- therapy appointments for both my kids, start packing things into boxes, the list goes on and on.
Plus I think the "spirit" or "spirits" in my house are really angry we're moving. So way more shit has been happening in the house- not good things either.

Oy Vey!

Wish me luck!!!
Thank you everyone for your support-

Kisses my beautiful Bitches!

Tired of fighting

Why does everything, ALWAYS have to be a fight?!
I'm fighting with my family, with my sister, with Dave- you name it.
Everyone's giving me their opinions of what I should do with my body.
Tomorrow I go to the hospital for -finally- my mammogram and goodness knows what other exams.
I'm fed up with everything.
Yes I'm depressed. Kind of hard to hide it.
But meanwhile- everyone comes to me with their depression and their problems to solve- when I can't even handle my own.
Today Violet saw a new school- They'll let me know tomorrow if she's accepted or not.
The school was beautiful and Violet looked really happy there.
I talked to their social worker at the school- and she asked me, after I told her my story- "How do you manage getting out of bed everyday?"
I replied "Not very well."
She nodded, and said she hoped Violet would be accepted into the school.
I slept during the day today- which I NEVER do.
When I got back from Violet's new school, my sister and Dave were fighting with me- I just gave up- soaked in a hot bath and went to sleep.
If I could sleep all day- wow- that would be a dream come true.
I just want to crawl into a hole- and hide-never to see anyone ever again.
Do you ever feel like that?
I'm physically exhausted- my body aches.


I'll let youknow what happens tomorrow.
I hope they have an answer- instead of the very technical phrase Doctor's use:"We don't know why"- meaning "Now be on your way! Shoo already!!!"

Kisses Bitches!

Boob day

I hadn't slept in four days- I was nervous about yesterday's mammogram.
One of my very best gals came with me- I felt honored. I filled out some forms.
They finally called me in, and immediately took me aside.
The nurse asked me if I've ever had a mammogram before- I replied yes, and sonogram, so on and so on.
She said she didn't want to expose me to that much radiation- to which I laughed.
Because I've had several CatScans and MRI- pretty much every year for about 17 years straight.
Then I told her what was wrong- the pain in my left breast , that I haven't been able to wear bras for over a week.
She talked to her supervisor- and then said to me just like this:
" I'm so sorry but we have to reschedule this mammogram for today.
If this was just an annual mammogram there wouldn't be a problem, but-
there's obviously a serious problem here, and we need a radiologist present.
He will look at the mammogram film at the moment it's being done and he may send you for a sonogram as well, and maybe something after that- that same day."
Wow! That took the wind out of me!
I scheduled it for Tuesday morning at 9:30 A.M.
She apologized. And said the person that made the appointment- they had no idea I would need the radiologist present.
I asked her if I should still keep my breast surgeon appointment for that following Friday, October 7th.
She said "Keep it!"
Okay- so now I won't sleep till Tuesday.
I was in a lot of pain last night and couldn't sleep, I took a pain killer- which made me yap away for the next two hours- then pass the fuck out.
Finally.
So here I am today- still uncomfortable and not feeling well. I'm so tired even though I got a lot of sleep. My body hurts really badly. I can't wait to get some answers.
I HOPE they'll have some answers for me.
My friends and family- know that I want both breasts removed- I've wanted this for over four years now- no reconstruction- no implants.
Most people look at me like I'm crazy when I say this- but it's my body, not there's.
My boobs my problem- your boobs- YOUR problem.

Kisses Bitches - Check YOUR TA-TAS MAMAS!!!

freak out moment

It hit me last night. As I was tossing and turning all night.
Dave actually thought I was having a seizure- Which I wasn't, thank goodness. I just couldn't sleep or get comfortable. I feel bad- I kind of kept him up last night, because I usually don't move around in my sleep.
He's sleeping now.
It hit me - with not one, but two doctors I'll be awaiting test results for cancer- skin and breast.
I told Dave- you know, if I find out I have both skin AND breast cancer I'm gonna lose my fucking mind.
Plus- losing my hair, Boobs AND needing new glasses.  Wow- that's quite a look, huh?!
Man, I'll be looking special fo'sho, fo'sho.
Right now I'm on hold to book my dermatology appointment, one that my dermatologist told me to do TEN YEARS AGO- because some things looked suspicious. And two other doctors recently told me "things didn't look right" Whatever the hell that means.
Hopefully I can get an appointment for next week. I have to go on Fridays because that's the only day she works in the clinic. Which means I'll be there for hours and hours! It's near Roosevelt hospital, it's a nice area. Maybe I'll sign in and then take a walk- because sitting in a crowded room for hours- with crazy people- yes that's who's waiting in the clinic- usually a bunch of crazy people- requires WAY too much patience. Patience I don't have at the moment.
Ah- just found out I have an appointment for the end of the month. Oh Joy.
I spoke to Dave and my mom about implants. Which I'm usually totally against. I hate hate hate fake boobs.
My mom said something I found really funny.
She said "You know, they can use the fat from you hips and ass to make you new boobs? That means there will finally be a use for them!"
Her and I, cracked up!!!
I'm the same girl that giggles at the word "fatty";)
Dave thinks I should not get them reconstructed and just leave the scar- which I'm a big fan of, since I LOVE scars- way better than fake boobs.
I would definitely be "unique" looking, ha-ha.
Though I've always wanted to not need a bra.
There's an inner hippie chick in me- but without all the armpit hair- eww gross;) I don't have problems with my fellow lesbians having them- I just don't like myself having them.
Anyways- way off topic here.
Ever since two days ago, having seen the doctor I haven't slept. I guess it's my nerves on overdrive, who knows, because I don't FEEL manic at the moment. But there's a lot going on in my mind right now.
These next two months are going be crazy!
I hope at the end of November when we are in our new place.
Everything will be settled and the way it should be.
Plus that gives me a reason for a housewarming party- HOLLA!
And I LOVE throwing parties!!

That's the news for now,

Kisses Bitches- Check your ta-tas Mamas!!!

In the end I hope I'm as happy and relaxed as the seal and trainer doing yoga on the sand. Freaking awesome pic dave found on the net!!!
We ALWAYS check out the website : the daily what?!
One of our favorite sites for funny and crazy pics/videos.

Ta-Tas- the on going saga

Hey guys and gals-
It's the beginning of the week and so much has happened already.
I had a horrible weekend- that was truly bipolar.
I was suffering and truly was hitting a new low.
I was on the phone with my therapist, and we had talked about me going back to the institution.
Yeah- THAT bad.
Thankfully I pulled through and I'm now back on Geodon.
It has been my life saver- literally.
I'm in a much much much better mood now. Phew!!
I have to tell you all that I went to the doctor today- because my left breast has been bothering me again-
Yes, again: I went through a really bad time about four years ago.
I felt a lump in my left breast and had it biopsied (very very freaking painful!), mammograms, sonograms, everything- four years ago.
Everything turned out okay, but they couldn't guarantee that wouldn't happen again.
It was one of the scariest times in my life.
I wanted both my breasts removed at that time- I never wanted to experience that pain and fear ever again.
But of course doctors didn't listen- because I was labeled "bipolar" they thought I was crazy.
One doctor agreed with me but it wasn't enough to plead my case to the insurance company.
After that- I never felt the same about my breasts- these things could kill me.
I was uncomfortable in my own skin.
I felt the minute I started liking my breast again, something bad would happen.
And here we are today.
I have had pain in my left breast- the very same breast that had the lump years ago.
I had to yell at Dave to come to the doctor with me.
He didn't understand why I needed him there!
He decided after my yelling- to come with me.
Truth was I was very scared to be in the same position I was years ago, especially alone- my nightmare.
He didn't talk to me much on the way there. I was yapping my head off because I was nervous- I talk a LOT that's how I deal. TOUGH!
I was in the doctor's office when I explained the things that've been happening.
I undressed- he examined my ta-tas.
I love that the doctor felt nervous- because he's a man and Dave was watching him do this.
I have no problem being nude- as you all know very well ( used to be a nude model).
Afterwards he told me I need to see a breast surgeon and get another mammogram.
When he said that- I felt like crying- but you all know I hate crying especially in public, so I didn't. I held it all in.
He then asked if I wanted to get dressed, I said sure- and did so in front of him, he was so bashful and told me he'd would look the other way. I found it funny.
When I turned to Dave, half-naked to put on my clothes Dave said quickly "More for me!"
Always cracking jokes!
Finally he spoke!!
After that he talked to me on our way home.
I needed a perk me up- because I was feeling depressed again, not too bad- but there WAS a reason for feeling this way.
So a Ricky's store was a block away ( my favorite store of all time!!!) It's a beauty HAVEN!!!
I just looked at everything- and all the colors and hair accessories and wigs- made me feel better.
Did I mention my hair's falling out again- yeah.
No matter what- I'm gonna look fabulous!
I hope this is my last time going through this- and they cut my ta-tas off.
Dave and I used to joke- we'd put my boobs in jars and ask people if they wanted to see my boobs?!
Yeah- we have a really gross sense of humor- but how else to you get through times like this- I'd much rather laugh than cry- any day.
My mom told my dad why I went to the doctor (while I was out) he was home because he just had knee surgery. When I came home- he tried to show me he was worried and felt bad for me, and put his arm awkwardly around my shoulders.
I told him "I'll be fine Dad, they're JUST boobies!" Trying to make light of the situation.
I always have a hard time sharing feelings with my dad and vice versa.
But I appreciated the effort he made.

That's the news for now-
Kisses Bitches!!!! Check your ta-tas MAMAS!!!

Going to the NY Comic Con!!!

And I can't freaking wait.

You ALL know I'm a major nerd- but without all the smarts;)

I've gone for several years now, last year I took both my kids and dressed them up too.

Dave and Lee were dressed as Batman and Vi and me dressed as Captain America's daughters. And my sis was "Love-Shack" ( flaming gay Rorschach)

This year I have even a more awesome theme going on.

And my sis is joining us in our costume theme this time!

It's so exciting!!!
Don't worry I'll take plenty of photos- and I'll post some here!
I don't get to go to many exciting places usually throughout the year- so this is like a holiday for me!!
It's probably the one thing I look forward to the most all year.
It's better than Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween for me-
Though Halloween is STILL a pretty big deal for me.
And Halloween is coming soon!!! HOORAY!
We'll probably wear the same costumes for Halloween- there's no point in buying all new costumes since both comic con and Halloween are in the same month!
Last year a photo of Vi, Lee and I got into the Wall Street Blog, and Yahoo news.
I'm aiming for bigger this time!!!
If you come you'll get to see first hand!
It's awesome and hilarious!!! You won't be able to miss us, that's for sure!
I always go on Sunday- because it's family day- less hoes- which for me is always a plus, because there's always the skankiest girls imaginable- plus most of them are lesbian (sorry guys!).
And now Suicide Girls is gonna be there. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!
A long long time ago, I tried to become one, and it almost happened- but then I came to my senses THANK GOD!
I mean- first of all- these girls are paid next to nothing- for un-artistic nude images-

and second- they are basically OWNED by the company. And that TOTALLY sucks for any model!

I've met several suicide girls in person ( some were my friends- I still adore you chickies) but the rest- EWWW GROSS! They touch me and it's just gross. I've known WAY too many porn stars in my lifetime for sure!

I mean if you're going to do porn, which I don't recommend, because I almost did that myself with my ex- girl (an Internet porn star) at the very LEAST get paid well. BTW way more details in my book, way more!

Just thinking about Suicide Girls makes my skin crawl.

Sorry got WAY off topic here-

So yeah- Sundays are great, less hoes, and more FREE stuff!!! Because it's the last day of the convention, people make way more deals!

And they usually give so much free stuff away Sundays!!

Me likey!!!!

So many changes- so little time

So many things are changing right now.

It's nearing the end of the year- and everything in my life is about to change.
I mentioned before that I'm looking for a new apartment and will be moving no later than November of this year.
I'm looking in Brooklyn, Queens and Manhattan.
I've contacted so many realty companies- only to find out that apartments are...get this...cheaper in Manhattan! I was blown away by this.
Moving for my family and I isn't easy- for several reasons-
One- Big family- with several disabilities. My mom can't live in a walk up, there has to be an elevator.
And yes- we are moving together- not separately.
I help take care (cook, clean, etc) of my whole family- this is how we function. We don't function well apart  from each other. Plus my mom and sis help a lot with my kids.
Two- Violet would need all new therapists and a new sensory gym- same for Levi. This is a huge problem.
It's a ton of work. It's nearly taken me two years to get the right therapists for Violet- but they all can't travel far. I also might be looking for a new school for Violet- with all that's happened recently.
Three- We don't get the money from the landlord until the  day we move out- which makes things very difficult because I need money for the security deposit, rent and moving expenses in ADVANCE.
Oy Vey!
Four- This is my family's home. My dad has lived here his whole life.
We are all scared to move- this is all we've ever known.
But it's making my family and I so very sick. The mold and such (things falling apart) in the apartment, especially in my kids room- is horrible for our health.
We HAVE to move to help my kids get better. We're all tired of being ill all the time.
Five-being that both my kids are autistic- change is very very difficult for them to handle. Levi freaks out even going for a walk. He has serious sensory issues, as does Violet.
Moving is NOT easy for us at all.
But there isn't any choice.

I'm hoping all this bad mojo that this apartment has given us- will finally go away- and our lives will get tons better.
I pray for this every single night.
On top of all these changes-
I had to put my foot down.
I'm tired of my mom and husband being sick and physically unable, due to their weight.
I love them both, regardless of how much they weigh, obviously.
Dave has trouble with both his knees and ankles- and has pain from walking now.
I just got to my breaking point with both of them.
I told them- you are two of the most important people in my life- and both of you need to change.
I definitely feel there are so many similarities between my parents and Dave- maybe that's why Dave pisses them off so much!
I have serious issues with people being undependable- breaking promises left and right.
My mom and Dave almost always break their promises to me and it breaks my heart.
Their weight holds them back from doing the things they want to do- like running after the kids, going for a long walk, etc.
My sister is the most dependable person in my life. I can always count on her.
Both her and I, always work through any illness, being tired, anything and everything so we can take care of the kids.
Then again I can always depend on both my kids- to lose their freaking minds each and every single day.
Violet has been a wreck. Since all her therapists are on vacation, and she's not in school right now- plus she's sick.
My house is chaos right now. Levi freaking out every single time we leave the apartment.
I'm terrified and excited at the same exact time- about moving. And that there's a possibility everything will change for the better.
Just the possibility gives me goosebumps!
I'm sick right now- nose,throat- same as my kids- so my mind's a complete fog. I'm in a daze- I don't know what day it is or time, if it's sunny or raining. I'm on another planet right now.
Because of all the stress I'm under, I've been having horrific nightmares all week- like horror movies- truly scary.
I'm crawling out of my skin right now- I want everything to happen already- and the stress to be gone.
But I don't do magic- sadly.
Anyone know a fairy godmother I could call??? Anyone?

Kisses Bitches!!! Everything's about to change!!!!!
I smell something's in the air- no not a poopy diaper- I mean the smell of change coming. The winds are about to change. A serious cleansing of bullshit is coming. Can't fucking wait!
New apartment
New school??
New Therapists?
New look???who knows?
New happiness and good health?!
Healthier and slimmer Dave and mom??? Who knows?!!!
New FREAKNG LIFE!!!!

Maybe even be financially stable? Or is that asking for too much?

Trojan commerical

My sis, Dave and I were watching Tosh.O tonight.
One of my favorite shows now-
a Trojan commercial for new fire and ice condoms came on the t.v.
And my sis asked me right after the commercial-
"Does it tingle?"
Me- of course on another fucking planet- answer...
"You mean when you cum?" I asked in shock. Yeahhhhhhhh- Did I mention I'm an idiot??!
Dave and Kayla looked at me like I was an alien!
My sis answered..."uhhhhh, no. (looking at me like the idiot I am) I meant the condom- but you can answer that if you like".
Then all of us started cracking up!!
my sis then said "Innocence Shattered!"

I'm an asshole, 'nuff said.
I'm so embarrassed.

Wedding!

I went to one of my best friend's wedding yesterday- despite all that's been happening with Violet.

I'm still really upset about Violet's bruises from Thursday. Both her school and the bus company are saying "nothing happened". Which upsets me even more because obviously SOMETHING HAPPENED to my daughter. She has several bruises and scratches on her arms.

My friend invited Dave and I to her wedding a few months ago- so I wasn't going to disappoint her- plus I was really looking forward to going.

Dave and I pretty much never ever go out without the kiddios- so this was a special occasion.

I dressed up- of course in this long black dress- that somehow appeared in my mom's closet (still with the tag on it- never worn)and no one remembers buying this dress.

It fit me perfectly- and looked good.

I wore my mom's pearls ( because I don't have much jewelry anymore- I sold mine to pay bills months ago-sad to say) to dress it up a bit.

My mom thought I should wear this short hot pink cocktail dress- but I thought it was inappropriate for a wedding- I thought I'd look like a whore.

And really- why don't girls know how to dress for a wedding anymore- I'm not talking about the bride- but to all the single desperate ladies that attend weddings.

The bride deserves all the attention- really- you can dress like a whore any given day- does it really have to be at your friend's wedding?!

Dave didn't listen to me- and waited to try on his suit for the FIRST time- when we had only twenty minutes before we had to leave.

Everything didn't fit right. His suit from our wedding didn't fit, so he ended up wearing a jacket from someone else- His jacket was way too big, as was his shirt. His pants were too small- he had RE-sown a button, but even then worried the structural integrity would fail, and innocents would get hit with button shrapnel and die. Everything was a different color! It was a mess! And really funny at the same time.

GARGANTUAN navy Blazer, ENORMOUS gray Shirt, and lobster-bib-sized tie, petite black pants and ....ta-da...brown shoes!

And to round off the "ensemb", he was also sweating like a chubby kid at the cake buffet.

It looked like he was shrinking AND growing at the exact same time!!!

I haven't been to many weddings in my life- heck mine was at City Hall- took less than a minute and the judge couldn't get my name right- yeahhhhhh- waaaaaaaaaaay classy;)

And I was four months pregnant.

Her wedding was the most beautiful event I've ever been to and seen.

It was at St. Patrick's Cathedral.

When Dave and I got there- we were early- because if you know me- I'm never late to anything.

My thyroid is out of control- so I started getting really dizzy and woozy in church- at first I was thinking- it's cuz I'm wicked, right?

Don't think I'm the only one- Dave sweats like a hooker when he comes within even five yards of a church. Sorry hubby, but that's not the way to wash away your sins.

She had the most beautiful wedding dress- the wedding was perfect.

And I truly didn't believe a wedding could be perfect.

I'm really jaded.

The reception was amazing!

Cocktail hour-on a penthouse- Dave right away found the bar- surprise- surprise!

And had two Coronas in one hand.

I had a glass of wine.

The appetizers were delicious and then it was time for dinner and dancing.

We then went to the reception hall- Dave at that point didn't look so good 9 by which I mean he magically found a way to look even worse). His face was turning red. That's when he asked me if I had any medication for a migraine!

Uh-NO!

We danced to one quick song- before his face turned deep crimson red.

We ate dinner-and after that I knew he couldn't handle the pain much longer- so we left early- before DESSERT! oh man!

I felt bad I was leaving this amazing wedding early, but I knew Dave was really not feeling well- so we said our goodbyes to the bride and groom and left.

I told my friend later on, that if ever I decide to have a "real wedding" I'll ask her for help.

When we got home, Dave rushed for the medication.

I showed my mom and sister the photos I took at the wedding.

My mom could tell I was sad.

I was sad for several reasons- first, being we never got that amazing wedding- where all our friends and family got together and celebrated.

Second- her family was so amazing and wonderful and caring. Their speeches even made me teary eyed. And I could tell her father and her, were so close.

Third- some people at the wedding asked me "what I do" ( for a living) I couldn't obviously tell them- my whole story- majorly bipolar and all- so I just told them- I was a stay at home mom. To which they looked at me like I was an alien. Then when I told them my kids were autistic- well you could just imagine all the questions that followed.

And that led me to think about my little girl getting hurt by some unknown person- and how helpless I feel.

Anyways-

The wedding was amazing.
My friend was the most beautiful bride I've ever seen- and she has a heart of gold, on top of everything.

I wish her the very best- always.

Kisses Bitches!

*photo of Dave ( in his incredible shrinking wholeness) and I dressed up for the wedding. Photo taken by my dad's crappy little digital camera.

My worst nightmare- Violet was hurt by someone!

Today is a nightmare. My daughter came off the bus from school- with never before seen bruises and scratches.

Her therapist and I were the first to notice. I was freaked out.

Then we went to the sensory gym- she seems to like it there ( except for yesterday).

And she was happy there. I showed her therapists the marks on both her arms- it looks as if she was restrained by an adult- hard- enough to bruise her and leave major scratch marks.

We also took photos of her bruises.

While I was at the gym with Violet, Dave made several phone calls to her new school and the bus company. We then called the police.

The police were here for quite awhile, asking us questions and examining her, they only left a few minutes ago.

We filled out a report.

Now anytime anyone touches her arms, she freaks out! I'm really scared- and angry this happened.

I've never wanted her to talk to me more than I do now-to be able to tell me what exactly happened.

Right now my princess is sleeping and I hope she has good dreams- despite the nightmare of a day. I don't feel safe sending my daughter to school, or putting her on the bus.

She's my sweet pea- she's only three years old for goodness sakes.

Dave and I are very upset about the whole situation and we want answers.

My daughter is autistic- but she doesn't harm herself like this- I know someone hurt her-

this is my worst nightmare.

Everyone loves my daughter- she's such a sweet girl- I just can't figure out why someone would harm her.

I don't know if I'll sleep at all tonight.

I just want to protect my baby girl- and make sure this never ever happens again. And that the person that did this- is brought to justice.

*photo of just one of the many bruises on her arms.

Violet's worst week ever!

Violet has had her worst week ever so far.
She doesn't transition well at all to change- and everything changed for her this week, new school, therapists- you name it. I feel so bad for her.
She's having a meltdown!

Today at sensory gym during physical therapy (PT- for short) lost her damn mind!!!
She was ALL over the place- going to hurt herself- it was insanity!
The PT was sweating her ass off, she looked a wreck half way through the session, the poor girl.
I felt bad for Violet- but worse for the therapist!

Violet has the strength of at least 100 men- AT LEAST!
There's this fully enclosed swing made of a Lycra/elastic type material- fully closed. And VIOLET used all her strength and got out of it!!! Like she was being born all over again!!!
It was so funny- and scary at the same time. Everyone at the gym was SHOCKED! They'd NEVER seen this done before.
The PT called her the Incredible Hulk! Like I said it was insane!

All the kids there- have all kinds of disabilities. This one kid, was about 13 years old and had Down's syndrome- he looked at my daughter running around crazy and asked his therapist- "What is she doing??!" The therapist answered "Running? Playing??"
The kid gave Violet the ONLY look- like YOU'RE FUCKING NUTS!!!

Every kid there was looking at Violet like- You got problems kid!!!"

I was exhausted- but not as much at the PT. I'm not used to her like this- but I am used to her running and running and running- and having to run after her all the time.
Half way through the session and Violet's meltdowns- I grabbed her- picked her up in my arms and said "That it!!! Violet we are leaving!"
I carried her to her stroller- clipped her in- and she calmed down- as calm as a cucumber practically.

Did I mention that before I took her to the gym, I went food shopping and mopped the entire house?! Yeah- I'm spent at this point.
My brain is complete mush.

With Levi and Violet both losing their minds this week- I can barely stand.
I have a hard enough time- getting my family to babysit when my kids are normal- well, normal for them. Now with them going nuts- I can't go anywhere!!!
My kids are a handful and a half- it's not easy for me- I would never ever trust a babysitter- ever!

I was a babysitter for a very long time- I cared about each kid as if they were my own. I would never ever let anything happen to them- I would've taken a bullet for them- I'm not even joking. They were like my own.
But I saw many other babysitters in my time- that didn't give two shits about the kids they barely watched.

When I get home from leaving the kids with my mom and sister, they look completely wiped out- and the kids are still going. But unlike a babysitter- I trust my family.

Dave says I micro-manage and I agree. I like things done a certain way: correctly;)

Anyways that's enough crazy for one blog post,


Kisses Bitches!!!

*photo: Happy Bunny

September 11th

I was going to write a blog yesterday- but I was right in the middle of a funk.

I read the first two lines- and was so angry at myself.

I sounded like an asshole.

I'm not denying that, I am a total and complete asshole-Seriously- I should have a business card saying this.

I was angry at myself for all the negativity I was writing.

Dave and I had a conversation about it- and he was right in the end-

that I have to right the truth- while I'm feeling it- even if I sound like an asshole.

The whole point of my blog/book is that people see what being bipolar really means.

The ups and downs of it all.

People have mentioned that I should maybe write under another name-

I decided not to.

Since this book is true- 100% of it- I will be upfront about myself- and in the end- I think if my family and children read this- they'll know I didn't hold back.

I've always been open about myself- why stop now?

Truthfully I just have to say "fuck it" to everyone and thing.

If you don't like it- don't read it- period.

My sister tells me to this very day- because I've told her my history with drugs, sex and eating disorders- she hasn't repeated my mistakes.

She's a healthy eater and has never done drugs. What more could I ask for, right?

I was awake for most of last night- in bed- I was thinking of the past.

Things I'm going to write about.

Sometimes I think about all the different ways my life could have gone- like alternate universes.

September 11th just passed- and I didn't write about it because I was knee deep in a depression, I'm sorry about that.

I actually remember September 11th- very clearly.

I could have lost my father that day. He was supposed to be in the twin towers that day.

When it happened, he was only a few blocks away- and saw people jumping from the building to their death.

It traumatized him for a really really long time.

My father and I did not have a good relationship at this time at all- but I was still worried about him.

I remember I picked up the girl I'd babysat since she was two and a half years old ( shout out to Anya!) from her school. I thought of her as my own. I rushed to her school to pick her up, because I was supposed to that day- and couldn't get a hold of her mother on the phone. Since all the phones were down.

I remember getting to her school in a panic- and it as madness at her school. And her seeing me and rushing into my arms. I was so thankful to hold her and that she was okay.

I than went to my sister's school with Anya, and someone had told me that " a man" had picked her up. Some unknown man!

I was freaking out, thinking the worst.

But then something in my gut told me she was okay- and maybe Dave had gotten her.

He had gone to college that day in Brooklyn- and walked - more like ran- across the bridge

to get my sister at her school.

So I picked up food for lunch and brought Anya to my house- where my sister and Dave were waiting for me. PHEW!!!

We patiently waited for my dad and mom.

We didn't know if my father was alive or not-

I couldn't get a hold of anyone!

Soon after my mother and father arrived home, thankfully. And my dad was a mess.

I was so thankful to have the people I cared about all under one roof, safe and sound.

I remember talking with my family about that day- days later, even months later.

I had talked with my father's sister about September 11th, and how she felt.

These were her exact words-

"It didn't really affect me- I mean I was in Florida. I wasn't in New York."

Did I mention she's an idiot?! I don't understand his family- never have, never will.

Yeah- one of the many reasons I don't talk to my dad's family anymore.

I asked her " What do you mean it didn't affect you?! Your brother could have been killed! And you didn't even worry?!"

His sister never even called him that day- or even days later to see if he was okay.

He has a really fucked up family.

There are so many different ways my life could have gone. I could have lost my father that day.

Do you think about different ways YOUR life could have gone- if you hadn't done this or that?

Let me know- I'd like to hear from you.

Thanks for listening. Writing Kisses Bitches- doesn't seem appropriate for this blog.

Sending much love to all of you!

The Strange and Bizarre

Levi has been screaming for what seems like ever at this point.

I'm going to ask for a psychological evaluation for him, sooner than later.
Some ( very rare) days he's happy go lucky and in a good mood.
But mostly he's upset- he's very up and down- not a calm baby at all.


Before you go "That's ALL babies"- let me stop you write there. I'm not complaining about some normal crying- I do have a daughter that is autistic- and I do see the signs.
Unlike most people- this doesn't upset me- I just want him to get the help he needs- sooner rather than later. I think this makes sense.

Some people tell him- that both my daughter and son "look normal". I don't know what most people think autistic kids "look like"- but they do look like normal, regular kids. I don't know if people think autistic kids "look special" or handicapped. Truthfully I don't even know what "looking special" even means.
Both my kids look like regular kids- period.


It's such a weird thing to say anyways.


Or people tell him, I'm being paranoid- my daughter was diagnosed by professionals- same with my son. It's strange now that my daughter isn't in early intervention anymore- but now my son is. Early Intervention and CPSE are completely different.


On another note- yesterday was odd.
It was Violet's first day of school- and it didn't go well- surprise!!!
Dave thought she'd be fine- I knew different.
She had a tough day- and fell asleep really early last night- when she suffers any type of "trauma" (including having a temper tantrum) in the day she will fall right to sleep. Which is really bad when she's in the middle of therapy and she has a breakdown- because then she passes out- it's like the "fainting goats"! If you don't know what this is- look it up- it's hilarious!
Bizarre, I know.


Yesterday Dave slept almost all day- when I finally had to wake him up around 3 in the afternoon, he was groggy and not in a good mood.
I was talking to my friend about my grandmother's dementia and how I feel about it- how my grandma doesn't recognize me at all anymore- or even know my name- when out of nowhere Dave said "I'm OK with it" with an attitude.
We both just turned to look at him- like "What the hell is wrong with you?!"
He didn't understand why I was upset by that comment AT ALL.
After that I wasn't in a good mood- because I wasn't understanding him one bit.


The rest the day Dave was acting very strange.
He apologized later for what he said- but I was still confused about the whole thing.
Dave and I have been arguing a lot- I've been telling him- that he's changed so much- and sometimes I just don't understand him anymore.
I know he feels like our apartment is a trap- and I totally agree.


Just yesterday ( you all know how I've been saying this apartment is haunted) with my friend at my house- something happened.
Everyone was in the living room- my friend, the kids, Dave and I, everyone else was out, the baby monitor was on in the bedroom- an d all of a sudden we heard a noise- and then a whole lot of noise in our bedroom- my friend is a witness!- like someone was in there destroying our room!
I said to Dave "What the Fuck was that?!"
He replied "Probably your dad?"
Both my friend and I replied-"NO ONE else is HOME!"
I sent him to the room to check what happened.
Nothing seemed out of place- it was SO BIZARRE!


But this time I have a witness! Yo! I TOLD YOU ALL THIS PLACE WAS HAUNTED!
It's like there's a bad spirit just keeping us all miserable here.
I can't wait to finally leave.


Maybe then we'll be happy- I hope.



I pray every night that things will work out and everything will be okay, that we will all be happy ( and healthy) again soon.






Thanks for listening.

*old photo of my grandma and me- I was about 9 years old here- and very very tan- with very very long hair- probably the last time I ever had very long hair).

Broken.

I'm still continuing to write my book- which means sometimes I write a page in my book, instead of blogging- some rare times I have time to write both.
Yesterday was a bit odd.
I've been really depressed lately- actually more numb than feeling sad.
I dislike everything about myself at the moment.
I hope this feeling will pass soon.
Do you ever feel like that?
You hate...this and that about yourself..and wish that you could change ________ (fill in the blank).
Yeah- that's me at the moment.
I was trying on some of my clothes yesterday- disliking everything I tried. Especially this one tight shirt- Dave was there and he liked it- I said to him, the little pouch I have of a stomach I don't like showing- to which he responded-
"You have given birth to two kids- that's probably never gonna go away."
I felt defeated- "What do you mean it'll never go away?"
Something I already knew- but didn't want to hear.
Dave didn't mean anything mean by saying it, obviously.
This spiraled me downward- to start looking at old photos of myself and the taut beautiful stomach I used to have. Yes- I was like 80 lbs- and most people, including Dave thought I looked scary- and yes- I agree with them- but I still look on those days semi-fondly.
Yeah- I should totally be careful at this moment not to go all crazy starving again. Plus I don't have the patience for that anymore- I like food too much and I cook all the time because I'm good at it.
Do you ever have this moment where you realize how broken you are?
I see girls on the street and right away can tell if they are "broken" or not.
You know the ones you can sense have a million and one issues- including daddy issues- yeah I can't stand I'm one of them. Even though I clearly am one of them.
Ewww! It's gross!
I don't want to be broken- I guess being bipolar- automatically means I broken in several ways, right?
And if you're bipolar and reading this right now- thinking you're not broken...I beg to differ.
I miss so many things- probably too many to list.
Of course- being thin, having long hair ( man, I wish it hadn't fall out last spring! ), being able to wear whatever I want without feeling awkward, feeling passionate, feeling something other than numb, photographing my beautiful friends, being happy, the list goes on and on like I said.
So yesterday when I was feeling so down about myself-
That's when every stranger decided to hit on me strangely enough, while I was buying groceries with my kids- pushing a ridiculously large heavy double stroller, sweating my ass off.
A guy handing out fliers told me that he'll be waiting for me at the new store.
That made me laugh so hard.
An old guy at the supermarket decided to help me find the food I was looking for, move everything out of the way- and told me-" It was my pleasure- anytime you need me." With this sleazy old man grin and a wink.
Strange yet again.
I think men can smell- defeat- not their own defeat- but the smell of a woman feeling defeated about herself- they must think this is their chance, right?
It's like when a guy's at a bar and he sees a girl already drunk- I'm guessing something like that?
And when my book if finally done- you'll get to see why I'm so broken- in so many different ways. Broken, broken, broken.
I think to myself what my kids are going to think of me- when they eventually read this book.
It could be really bad- and go back and forth thinking if this is a good idea or not.
I'm not going to sugar coat myself- I'm obviously not perfect- more like so far from it- I can't even see the word perfect anymore.
But I will make this book as funny as possible- every mistake I've ever made- I've found humor in it.
Even in all my sexual experiences- there's a lot of humor in that for sure!
I showed my sister a chapter I wrote- she was shocked! And laughed her ass off.
That's the reaction I want- not so much the shocked part- but the laughing part most definitely.
Not to say every single thing I'll be writing about is funny.
Certain parts- might get...a negative reaction- actually I'm going to take out- the "might" part.
I know better.
Some family members came over yesterday, and while talking, I realized they never knew I smoked cigarettes- not often- just sometimes, around certain people.
Really out of everything I've ever done- this is probably the most benign- not saying smoking cigarettes isn't a bad thing- but really- compared...to EVERYTHING- that's not a big deal.
They seemed shocked when I said this- which made me think- man, I hope they never ever read my book...like ever ever- you know?
Anyways- sorry for rambling- I write the way I think, pardon me.

Kisses -you bipolar Bitches!

*the artwork is by one of the most talented photographer/artists of all kinds of media- including music- of all time- my great friend-
Anna Fleshler ( https://annafleshler.com/ARTWoRK.php) - Her music page - http://www.neaphyte.com/

The body is mine- actually not at my lowest weight- I got much thinner than this, at my lowest point of my eating disorder)