Nervous Breakdown here I come!

Don't worry this will be like number 500 for nervous breakdowns.
A lot is happening right now.
- both my kids might have a chronic disease, affecting their lungs and health for the rest of their lives- due to our old mold infested apartment.
- my mom's last day of work is at the end of the month.
- my dad's losing his mind- a little more every single day. Plus there's a chance he might have prostate cancer. We're waiting to hear the results from his doctor.
-I found out I have an auto-immune disease, which is probably Lupus.
(Sounds like a Dr. House joke, right? "It's not LUPUS!" But actually it seems it is).
My hair has started falling out again. And no, coloring it, didn't make a difference. This would've happened regardless. My scalp hurts so badly. And Dave keeps asking to buzz my hair off again. I think he's buzzer happy! Seriously! He just buzzed his own hair off, and now he's after mine.
Not that I have anything against buzzing my hair- I've gonna completely bald once every year for the past SEVEN years. There's noting I haven't done to my hair, or pretty much in my life, in general. Hahahahaha!
-Plus we have money woes a plenty.

Fun times, right?
My friend told me, this means blessings are coming our way.
I truly hope she's right.
I few days ago, I was spiraling, not able to see any light, or silver lining.
I'm still depressed, but I'm able to smile occasionally. Of course my kids always make me laugh.

This past weekend was misery.
Violet was so hyper and violent. Not a good combination at all.
Now she's sick with fever, and not really eating.
Lee had fever too, but he's eating a little.
I feel like crap and really really exhausted all the time, even though Dave's given me lots of time to rest.
It's frustrating. REALLY FRUSTRATING.

I'm actually happy, my mom is gonna stop working. Despite our money woes.
I know she'll finally be happy, and not miserable going to work anymore.
All I want is my family to be happy and healthy-
both things seem very hard to come by lately.

Plus I worry, I don't want to end up back at the food pantry and soup kitchens.
That was serious hardship, especially with my kids.
There's nothing more, you want as a parent, but to be able to have a roof over your kids' heads and food on the table to eat.
Both of which, I wasn't able to provide, not more than a year ago.
Our lives changed once we left that miserable, evil apartment.
I still have nightmares about our old place.
It was seriously like the movie 1408!
Did you know that a week after we left- there was a flood!!! Coming from my apartment!!! Even though NO ONE WAS THERE!
Yeah- totally fucking creepy.
I'm so glad we left.
I just don't want to go back to living that nightmare again.
I really don't like my neighborhood. The people in it are ignorant, homophobic and racist!
Yeah- a horrible combo!
Just really ignorant people.
I never thought I'd miss the egocentric manhattanites I was brought up with.
Even if a fabulous drag queen walked down the block, no one would even glance- or stare, or laugh.
Here- they hate anything even remotely different from them.
I can't seem to talk to anyone, even my neighbors.
They are all seriously messed up in the head.
I've heard lots of anti-Semitic things said by my neighbors, against Jews.
Did I ever mention, I AM JEWISH?
And my kids are Latin-Jews?
I don't want them growing up around so much hatred. This is where bullies come from, I'm sure of it.
And in Brooklyn, of all places??? I'm in fucking hicksville!!!
Plus, I'm bisexual. I was going to marry a women, a long time ago.
I'm sure that would've caused quite a stir in the shitty fucking neighborhood.
Yes, the houses are nice, and it's pretty residential, but the people make the neighborhood.
and they make it ugly.

Sorry, now I'm just ranting.
My point was- a lot is going on right now in my life.
I don't handle stress well at all.
I'm trying really hard though.

I promise I'm gonna write the blog I set out to a few days ago (about My Anti-cool revolution) but I just really wanted to update everyone on how things were going.

I love you guys and gals so much!!!!
Thank you always for being there for me!

As always,
Kisses Bitches!!!

Pink hair!!!

The other day my very cool and talented hairstylist mama friend, came to my house to color my sister's and my hair.
I've been doing my own hair for so long. And every six months or so, I'd get my hair professionally cut, but I could never afford to get my hair professionally colored.
One of my mama clan members, is a hairstylist- she has purple and blue hair.
She is FUCK AWESOME!
And she came over in the evening and spent nearly 5 hours doing my hair.
My hair was so resistant to bleach.
I've said many times before- white girl hair products do not work on my hair, only ethnic products are strong enough. I have afro hair- and that okay with me. At least now it is, when I was younger ALL I ever wanted was "white girl hair".
You know- that silky straight hair that glows in sunlight- like an old Prell shampoo commercial.
Yeah- I know that ain't gonna happen for me- so I might as well embrace my afro hair.
Though now it's a cotton candy pink colored afro!
Wooohooo!
I've always wanted this hair color but never could do it myself.
My mama got to meet my daughter, and she was awesome with her.
This made me so happy to have company over and to be able to get my hair done.
I was super tired though- and had been for three days- exhausted not just tired.
I was trying caffeine but that didn't even make a dent!
Then yesterday the same thing happened- I was yawning and felt in a haze, while "my twin" ( one of my dearest friends) came over to visit- that I wasn't really awake or in the moment.
I can't seem to really "feel".
I can't feel anything, I think I'm numb.
I've been so angry and resentful for so long- I now feel nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I was happy my friend came over, but I couldn't really FEEL happy- you know what I'm saying?
I know this is due to me being bipolar- but it also has to do with the huge amount of stress I'm under daily.
Levi spent most of the day tantruming yesterday and almost got a handful of my hair- I caught him in time, he had a grip on a chunk of my hair- before he could run away with it- I got him to loosen his grip, somehow.
He also banged his head really hard against my clavicle.
I have to hold him so that he doesn't break his skull open on the floor, or table or chairs. Even if that means getting beat up by him in the process.
Plus he was up all night long last night.
I'm so tired, even though Dave was handling the night shift.
I feel like I'm daydreaming- or that I haven't woken up yet from slumber.
Like things aren't real somehow- my life isn't really happening.
And no medication or anyone can change that feeling.
I'm just trying to feel even an ounce of happiness every day.
Whether it be from my kids giggling, or seeing my mama clan at Levi's school.

Sorry I'm kind of rambling at this point.
I just want to truly FEEL something, ya know?

Anywhoo-
Kisses Bitches!!!

This is a photo of my hair

Happy muthafuckin' V-Day

No, I don't mean happy Venereal disease Day-
I mean happy Valentine's Day.

Truthfully, I don't celebrate it anymore.
I'm sure my kids will grow up celebrating it. And I will show them my love- as per usual.
But for me- I learned a long long time ago-
you're just setting yourself up for disappointment if you hype up the day with your loved one/boyfriend/girlfriend.
Yeah- I'm total downer.
But truthfully- realizing this many years ago- helped me actually enjoy myself and not be miserable all V-day long.
I've been so very poor for sooo very long- and live with procrastinators- so everything was always left to the last minute and we ended up doing nothing.
Now- I don't expect anything- and I always end up- NOT pissed off full of disappointment.
This was Dave and my exact conversation just a few minutes ago, WORD FOR WORD on V-day (at around 12 a.m.)!
Dave:...that grammy's with the girl who sang the god song years ago- what if god...
Me: OH,...GOD... I thought you said cowboy..
What?
I thought you said the song was about a cowboy.
What if cowboys are like us?
Yeah
I could be a cowboy
No you can't
Yes I can
You'd have to get up early
Fuck that! I'll be a midnight cowboy. Wait. That was a movie.
What?
Midnight Cowboy. That was a movie with John Voight.
What's it about?
Dudes fuckin' other dudes.
SHUT YOUR STUPID PIE HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Followed by us laughing our asses off at how funny that was.

That's a typical conversation between Dave and I- and it being V-day right now, doesn't change a thing.
I URGE you not to put so much pressure on V-day. It's just another day.
And if you show your love everyday then fucking up V-day would't matter, right??

The way I'm celebrating my V-day today- same as every Monday- Levi has therapy and then I take him to school. I still have to do chores. No exceptions.
But at Lee's school, I get to celebrate with "my mamas"( my group of mom friends at Lee's school).
I now look forward to weekdays!
I never in my entire life thought that would happen!

Kisses Bitches!!!
Don't be sad about V-day, it's just another day.

FUCK the weekend!!

As I said earlier- in a previous blog post-
My new doc let me know- that my thyroid is fucked up.
This isn't anything new obviously!
She told me to cut OUT one thyroid pill and UP the other.
I knew this was a very very bad idea.
So instead of cutting the first one out- I cut it in half, and upped the other like she said.
I spent most of the day in some of the worst pain in my entire fucking life!
EVERYTHING HURT!
My bones, muscles, my body was swelling really badly.
I was gonna call 911 at this point!
I felt like I was in a K-Hole!!!
Hey if you're old enough, and did drugs like I used to- remember K-HOLE????
It sucked- but that's besides the point.
It was a fucking nightmare.
I have been so fucking bitchy and angry for weeks now.
DAve and I both realize- we are WAY nicer to strangers than we are to each other.
But I was gonna explode!!!
Yesterday morning I had a fight with Dave at 4 A.M!
When we went back to bed- I told him, "I just might end up choking you in your sleep."
He responded half joking, "Well that's why I don't stay in bed all night long. Because I'm afraid I'll never wake up!!!"
I started hysterically laughing- but I knew he was kinda right. I was about to fucking SNAP!!!
During yesterday a lightbulb went off- I called my doc asking to go back on my anti-psychotic (Geodon),
I had been off it for about two months- because we were worried that it was affecting my heart.
At this point- I didn't care.
The night before - all I dreamt about was slapping people!!!
I was INSANE!
But I've also mentioned in my blogs that anger is my first clue- irriational anger is my first clue- something is going to happen- to my heart and my body.
The end of yesterday I spent wanting to die, the pain was so bad.
I couldn't move!
I gladly took my geodon last night- hoping to pass out!
Praying for a near black out- to go to sleep and not wake up till morning.
And I DID!!
I do, I really do love love love my drugs.

I woke up way less swollen- at least five pounds less!!! And decided obviously this doctor has no clue what's wrong with my thyroid, so I'm not gonna cut down, or cut out my thyroid pill- till I see an endocrinologist.
I KNOW for a fact something is REALLY REALLY WRONG with my thyroid- and I'm not gonna mess with it till I see someone with some knowledge of such things.
Like I said previously- my doctor had said she's never in her entire life seen blood results like mine.
Meaning- one- I'm TRULY UNIQUE!!! hahaha!
and two- She's never treated someone with my problem!

Today I went back to my normal first pill, and still upped the second.
It was like a brand new fucking day!!!
The birds were singing and I was happy.
I was still uncomfortable- remnants from yesterday.
Plus I have bone pain all the time now.
Did I mention I've had the sniffles all day long too?
I was nice to everyone, not angry.
I felt somewhat at peace.
I cleaned the house, cooked brisket, stewed vegetables and risotto.
YEAH baby!!! I'm back!
In an 84 year old body- but still I'm kinda happy today- and that's way better than before.
I took a quick walk with Dave to the bakery- a block in, stabbing pain starts in my ankle and then my leg. I ended up limping the rest of the way there and back like the fucking humpback of notre dame (Dave: it's really HUNCHback, but,... uh..., yeah)!
But I was determined to not let the pain get in my way.
DAMNIT I wanted cookies! And I wanted them NOW DAMNIT!

And I got my damn cookies! Na na na boo boo!

I'm typing this blog with my foot up on my couch because it feels broken even though I KNOW it's not.

I love GEODON. It makes me- NOT a serial killer.
A little angel- with a raging angry little devil inside just waiting for the fucking moment to get out and motherfucking party, bitches!!!

On that note I leave you.
KISSES BITCHES
Rock out with your cock out!!! Woooooohooooooo

*P.S. I'm gonna be going blonde- SO blonde, people will have to wear sunglasses to look at me directly.
And maybe then...dreadlocks??? My options are open.

*P.P.S.- I came into the livingroom yesterday- after just waking up, and Lee's therapist was there working with them. She saw my hair (and how big an afro it was).
She looked SHOCKED! And said "I've never seen it that big!"
At first I really wanted to say all these dirty jokes that jammed into my head, like a bunch of fat people stuck in the doorway of a cake shop (I LOVE fatties!! Don't HATE!).
Such as-" You mean my dick?!" (you get the idea)

But my real anser "Yeah actually this is it small, it can get three times bigger.
I TOLD YOU MY AFRO WAS BIG!!! COME ON, MOM!! Tell me who my REAL father IS!!

oh boy

This morning I went to my cardiologist for an emergency EKG.
Of course, it showed nothing, because my heart was fine this morning.
But I could barely walk because of the pain in my legs. I had to hire a car service to get me to the doctor.
Dave ended up sleeping in the waiting room.
While the nurse did the EKG, I told her about my leg pain and the swelling.
I then went across the hall to get an ultrasound of my arteries.
while walking there- I whispered to the nurse, "Wait one second please. I'm just gonna go shake my husband awake very quickly."
She giggled while I walked over to Dave and shook him awake while yelling "WAKE UP already!!!"
All the old people in the waiting room laughed quietly, as to not anger the giant (that being Dave).
He woke up, only a tiny bit startled- meaning apparently I wasn't loud enough ;)
We walked into the sonogram room, the technician was a man.
I strangely felt comfortable with him, but when he offered to have a female technician do the sonogram, I grabbed the chance.
The LAZY as FUCK woman (older- very obvious wig, and a bitch!) looked at me, and went- "Nah. He's good at this. He'll do it."
She was eating, and didn't want to be disturbed. What a fucking CUNT!
So he came back in, told me to take off my pants and use the gown to cover my underwear.
Truthfully, I was nervous. Especially since I was in the same position a month ago- in a very bad office, with a very bad man.
Though this time Dave was right there next to me, watching him like a hawk.
I got to see what the previous exam- was supposed to be like.
The other technician (from hell) did everything wrong and now I'm FUCKING positive he didn't do any of the sonograms correctly that day and purposely molested me.
Oh joy. I'm this close to storming in that office and ripping his fucking balls off with my bare hands- that fucking cock juggling thundercunt!
Meanwhile everyone at that office told me, that what happened that day, was professional and that's the way the sonogram was supposed to be done.
REALLY?!!! REALLY??!!!
What fuck heads!
Anyways back to the story.
This guy was awesome- he was professional and funny and made me feel at ease the whole time. We talked about his family. I ended up finding out he had thyroid disease also! And had radiation to treat it a few years ago.
Dave, the technician and I were all laughing and chatting- making the painful sonogram (yes painful - they have to press down really hard on my legs- which were already hurting so fucking badly), way more comfortable.
But during the sonogram, while laying on the table- I started getting really dizzy and hot.
I told him, and Dave rushed to get me water. We didn't know why this was happening. I wasn't doing anything physical!
After the sonogram was done, I shook his hand and thanked him for making me feel comfortable and not scared. I told him, I had a sonogram for the same reason, done about a month ago, and the guy was completely unprofessional and totally inappropriate ( putting it lightly!) and a fucking idiot.
He apologized that it happened to me and wanted to know what office that happened in. I told him the doctors name and everything.
He was very sweet and kind.
After that I was told to go back to my doctor and have her take my blood pressure again. I ended up in the waiting room for almost an hour, because the doctor was mobbed with patients. By the time she got to me- apologizing and apologizing for taking too LONG, my blood pressure was back to normal (well normal for me that is- 95/65).
The plan- This week people will be coming to my house to hook me up to an event recorder.
YUP! I FUCKED UP! The holter monitor was NOT an event recorder. I was told that they were the same thing- apparently by an idiot doctor in the past before.
Holter monitor- is only for 24 hours.
An Event recorder- is for three weeks.
Yes- THREE WEEKS!
Because the 24 hours I was hooked up before- nothing happened. My heart felt fine that day. So of course nothing major showed up as wrong on the monitor, although my doc looked at the readings and said I had some kind of tachycardia normally brought on by stress- but I hadn't been stressed. She mentioned I may have some form of arrhythmia.
I will also be seen by an endocrinologist and maybe a rheumatoid arthritis doctor. The word fibromyalgia was also tossed around.
Fun times. Fun times.
MORE and more doctors.
Hopefully one of them will be "The One". Nooo, I don't mean Neo (from "the Matrix") because there is ONLY ONE, Keanu Reeves- of course (who I am allowed to marry upon my husband's death-btw!).
Sorry, totally off topic- I am a nerd- and sometimes go to my happy place.
Anywho-
I'm hoping one of these doctors'll find the problem and fixes it! Please!!! And soon!!!

Okay dokey- BTW Despite all this going on and Levi having a cold on top of this-
I'm still planning to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday.
Even while attached to my event recorder!!!
That'll make it even MORE entertaining!!! (but please, no cellphones, or my chest might accidentally set on fire- just kidding!...no I'm not...)

I was told tonight that, maybe people aren't responding to my invite (to my little get together at my house- with lots of kids, friends and family) because they think I'm gonna cancel it- "Like Always".

This statement hurt me a lot.
I am a person of my word- this means a lot to me.
The only reason I've had to cancel parties in the past, was either -one- due to my health- or my family's health, or, number two- being completely broke and having to go to a soup kitchen to get food.
Both - I think- being very good reasons to postpone or cancel a party, don't you??

When I was younger- I'd cancel for any reason. I AM bipolar and DO have problems following through. I'm a self-sabotager, for sure.

But nowadays, especially after having kids, my word means EVERYTHING to me.
Plus- I am looking forward to seeing everyone. That's all that matters- just being surrounded by kids, family and friends- right?!

So if you are one of "those people" that are afraid I'll end up cancelling and don't trust me to "follow through with my plans". Maybe you shouldn't come anyways.
I don't need negativity in my life- or my house.
And maybe you just plain suck.

But I doubt ANY of you feel that way, riiiiiight???

Kisses Bitches!!!
Grow some balls would you! Or a HEART!!!

*photo of the bionic woman- found on google.

Good and bad news...

Good news- actually GREAT news- my grandma is back home and doing better.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bad news- I'm still doing the same- and avoiding the hospital at all costs.

I'm trying not to overwork myself- but my family knows nothing about cleaning apparently.
And since my mom is at my grandma's- it's ALL up to me, to keep this house from looking like an insane asylum.

I told my sister today- that if I have a heart attack from cleaning the fucking house- I will haunt Dave and her for the rest of their miserable fucking LIVES!!!
Saying in their ears "Clean the motherfucking HOUSE!!!"

On another note- if Dave doesn't put down the fucking PS3 controller- I told him I'll throw him AND Assassins Creed Brotherhood- out the fucking window!

See I made a mistake- I bought him the freaking game. Thinking MAYBE just maybe- he would play responsibly.
I was SO totally wrong.
I even tried hiding the fucking game- but he found it! FUCK!!!!
I would actually- dare I say- like this game if I knew he would only play it when the kids were sleeping.
It drives me INSANE!!!
When I told him I'd throw him out the window- his response was "Please throw me out first, then the game, so at least the game would be safe!"

I FUCK you NOT!
Yeah- I don't say "kid you not" I hate that phrase. I much prefer "FUCK YOU NOT!"
I have a bunch of sayings- don't worry you'll learn them all.
And they'll rattle around your head FOREVER- until you catch yourself saying them too!!

MUAHAHAHAHA!
That's my master plan!!!

Another phrase of mine- when someone does something stupid- instead of saying they're stupid- which isn't very nice- and you all know I'm ALL about being nice ;)
I say "Talent!"
Because they are talented- at doing stupid things.

Yeah anyways- that's enough lessons for today, bitches! Okay?!

Kisses Bitches!
Spread the FUCKING LOVE!

P.S.- Dave now thinks he's Italian- he keeps speaking Italian to me. He's freaking SPANISH for goodness sakes!

Mad as a hatter

Yesterday, I went to two doctor appointments. One- I got blood taken yet again. This time- it didn't go so well. The nurse did it wrong- surprise surprise- and my vein started swelling up and turning black and blue- fun right? Yeah, not so much- it was really painful- plus it was my right arm- the one that was in the most pain to begin with. The doctor thinks I have Rheumatoid arthritis. Oh joy. Sounds about right though. So that arm is shot to hell. Then after I suggest to her- to start taking blood from the other arm- since it had been over ten minutes of me swelling up and had only filled three vials of blood with still six more to go. I finally told her- it was painful- and only then did she give up on that vein and take from the other arm. The other arm, the blood came easily- much to my relief.
So I walked out of the doctor's office with both arms in band aids. Everyone I passed on the walk home looked at me with pity- like, you poor sick sick girl.
My right arm is in a lot of pain, the swelling of the vein went down- but it still hurts like a bitch.
Then later I had a dermatologist appointment. The whole day I felt like I should cancel- but I told myself- to go through with it already and get it over with already.
I should have listened to my instincts. When I arrived, there must have been over twenty people in the waiting office! I filled out papers with my messed up right arm.
Then I overheard the receptionist tell a patient it'd be over two hours waiting time. That's when I decided to reschedule for another date.
My bones are killing me- but I figure if this is something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life- I might as well get used to it, right?
Did I mention I'm on a new medication?
When I went to the doctor on Thursday- he told me my thyroid was really low. So besides my other thyroid medication, he added another one to my daily intake.
Now I have to take the first thyroid med when I wake up, wait a half hour, then take the next one, then wait a half hour, then eventually eat.
It's a pain in the freaking ass!
I had a routine before- every morning wake up, make coffee, eat breakfast- then deal with the day's disasters.
Now It's all screwy. And without me going directly to coffee I might smash and break things in the house. I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm apparently Dr. Seuss!
But you get what I'm saying. I'm not used to this medication yet. And I have no idea what to do with myself in the morning if I can't eat right away. So I've been tired, and cranky- and taking a shower freaking early in the morning, instead of later on in the day.
Levi can sense when I'm down or upset, he'll snuggle with me and it does make me feel better, but then somebody will do something stupid and I'll forget any happiness I had just experienced.
I'm BORED! Not in the sense that my LIFE is boring- because it's really nothing of the sort.
I want to go places. The beach, a pool, even a freaking museum, something for goodness sakes.
It's usually just Kayla and me and the kids during the day. And with this pain, it makes pushing the big rocket sized stroller a bit difficult, to say the least.
I'm very thankful for Vi and Lee's therapists-it gives the kids things to do, and they learn a lot. But when the weekend comes- it's kind of lonely.
Yeah sure I take them to the playground- but Violet needs WAY more than only one person running after her- she needs a team of people! She's quick and she uncoordinated- and falls ALL the time. Her physical therapist is working on this with her- but she has a long way to go before I let her just run around without me being scared shitless.
Dave sleeps most of the day, to my despair. Then at night, I get tired early because it very difficult to sleep through the night in pain. I'm reminded of my pain frequently during the night, so I'm tossing and turning, and in lots of pain.
I don't even bother with Advil or Tylenol- because it doesn't make a dent in the pain whatsoever.
I'm frustrated, sad and angry. All I want to do is cry- but of course I won't- because as you all know- I don't LIKE to cry- ever.
I guess I'd say I'm depressed- and that would be putting it lightly.
Hopefully I'll figure out something we can do today. And not just walk around while I push an enormous stroller around in pain.
There's so many different things going on at once in my life right now- that are out of my control. I have to realize I can't "fix" people- in my life right now- or maybe ever.
Have you ever been so upset- but had nothing to get out your frustration on. I can't scream or break anything. It's just all bottled up inside me about to burst!
I guess I'll just push that anger further down- way down, right? What other options do I have?
Man, I wish I had a screaming tree ( a tree that takes all your anger and abuse out on) but then I'd feel bad for the tree...so what THEN?!
Sorry for the long angry rant.

Kisses Bitches! Hope your weekend is TONS better than mine!