10 Sleepless nights

10 days! Yep ! I went 10 days with almost little to NO SLEEP! before 2 nights ago.
Yes, I am Bipolar.
I don't say I HAVE bipolar disorder.
You can say you have it or you ARE it, it's whatever floats  your boat ppl.
Bipolar is a huge part of my identity.
And has been since I was diagnosed  in 2003 (officially).
It took a long time to get diagnosed. 2003 was the first time I was institutionalized.
Notice I said FIRST. there would be MANY, too many to count actually, afterwards.
As well as multiple hospitalizations for my eating disorders.
Sleepless nights have been a part of my life since childhood.
They are no fun.
And the longer they stretch the more your mind wonders. Panic sets in. Anxiety gets worse- I have severe anxiety as it is, no sleep makes it ten times worse.
This was a hypomanic stretch, not full mania, hypomania is different, and different for different people.
Mine---mostly panic,  irritation, no sleep, racing thoughts, but not super happy and bright sunshine and sparkles, ya know what I'm saying?
Not that mania is fun. It's actually quite dangerous.
I was cycling really fast and my adhd medication burn off in the afternoon  was hitting me harder than usual.
Yes, I have ADHD as well.
I know this is kind of a long post, but I realize I haven't written about my bipolar in awhile. I guess I was feeling very antisocial. But I'm coming out of my shell again and want to be more open again

Ode

Oh, delicious Cup O' Joe,
How I love thee.
Please get me through thy day
For my Levi didn't sleep a wink last night
And I barely hit the hay.
I need you more then ever today, Cup O' Joe.
How you are always there for me
I love thee,
Times three.💖

This is my Ode to my Cup O' Joe.

Levi had another sleepless night last night, common for kids with autism.

He kept me up too, with questions all night like, "Why aren't  I sleeping?" "When is it morning already? " All night long.

Coffee is my friend. 

I need you Joe.

Don't lemme down. 

"I knew who I was in the morning"

" I knew who I was in the morning but I've changed a few times from then".

Well known quote in the Bipolar community.

To me though it means so much much more.

Every day in every way the world around me is changing.

I woke up with a good idea of who I was today...very positive actually.

Events happened....and then others and others, obstacles as they do- usually I'd stress and worry.

Instead I was the steadiest in the room.
See my life has changed and how I react to my world has changed too.

The world, people and certain events had managed to change me...and then...I grew stronger, more still and peaceful.

I never know what tomorrow brings but  I look forward to it.

I knew who I was in the morning but I've changed a few times since then-

And I'm so very glad.🙏

Swallowtail

Another butterfly hatched yesterday...so this happened.

I now have such a deep love for swallowtail butterflies, and have to be present for each hatching.

They always come back to say hello again and again.

It's a beautiful thing.

I feel such a deep connection with them.💙💙

I know this is probably my first pic of my side neck tattoo.
It was done in my kitchen when I was 16, Not by a professional.
Definitely  a manic moment of mine.
It came out terrible and then I had an allergic reaction to the cream so all the colors bleed out.
It never looked right. It was SUPPOSED to be a fairy.
I have a long time obsession with fairies, especially Brian froud fairies (the dark crystal is on my arm, but not complete)

I've always known I would one day have it covered but never knew with what (plus in NYC tatts are super expensive- now that I've moved I have a lot more options!!😊 for mah poor ass)
Now I know I want swallowtail butterflies,  realistic ones flying across my neck.

The butterflies have become a symbol of my rebirth my metamorphosis into the new phase of my life.  My truer self hopefully.
As an Aquarius I'm always unpredictable and evolving.

So I surprise myself at times.
I'm always on to the next style, next fashion, next thing etc.

Metamorphosis

One our cocoons (about 10 from our garden we kept safe ) hatched yesterday! !!!! It's a black swallowtail!  And it liked me very much.
Talk about #metamorphosis ! !!
(Like I did the other day or so)
Took awhile for it to learn to fly away and dry it's wings.
Hence the crawling on me. It walked all the way up towards my neck and just stayed there. (I'm not even supposed to be out in the sun - due to a skin condition,  but I was for the butterfly hatching,  one down a few more to go)
So beautiful.
I guess I got my wings so to speak and am on my way,  on my path,  towards my TRUE destiny.
Butterflies are also lucky I hear when they choose you.
Thank you Butterfly.
Thank for the chance to meet you.
What an honor.
I will continue my metamorphosis and journey towards rebirth.

Whatever happens along the way or after,  who knows?
But I know I'm strong enough , and more than confident  enough to face what comes my way.

Eye doc and burning pain ball of fire

Went to eye doc- my doc literally said I'd  be screwed without my eyeglasses👓 cuz I wouldn't be able to see (shit)!" Hahaha!
And now I need to apply prescription cream to my left eyeball every night 🌘because since my stroke my left eye doesn't completely close.
That sliiiiiiight crack -like leaving a window open all night long can  leave you waking up in the middle of the night, screaming like someone fucking stabbed 🔪you in the motherfucking eye👁 and then set it on fire 🔥🔥🔥, and nothing  NOT ANYTHING  will relieve the pain - not opening the eyelid nor closing the eyelid.
Hence the needz for the medicine creamz.😂🙃😣

#funnystory #awesomehair #buzzcut #buzzcutgirl #hair #glasses #motivationalquotes
#barberlife #eye #emoji #picoftheday #modellife #nightlife #wink

Buzzcut and makeup

Did my makeup from bed.
And yes,  did a buzzcut. ..not from bed,  haha.
Always feel more like myself with a buzzcut. Always.

I try to grow it out due to what I see , colorful ,long hair and boredom.
But I always come back to my buzzcut because that's ME. That's what fits me.

I try on all different "hats" so to speak, but it never quite feels right.

I try to fit into society and what it wants from me but I never can.
Like doing my makeup the other day-
Mascara,  eyeliner,  eyebrow pencil, Lip liner and lipstick.
It felt like A LOT to me- and and lot of effort, it was tiring.

  Meanwhile 3 years ago I would've never left the house without makeup!! Ever! !! And a lot of it!
I change my look on a whim still.

Slowly and always trying to better myself and finding what I like compared to what society likes and what the difference is.

Somedays

I've been having days like these.
They are all too familiar.
Filled to the brim with feelings
So many feelings
I feel like I can't breathe
I want to cry so bad from all the sadness
All the madness
Not one tear is shed
Not one
Just these overwhelming feelings
Consume me
Overtake  me
Inhale me
Where am I?
Where do I go?
Where do I fit in?
Now there is no more for me with all these feelings amuck
What a mess they've made
Fucking feelings.
Not one damn tear.
And no room left for me.

I'm left on the outside as usual.
Damn feelings,
Won't you hurry up.
Calm down and let me in?

Spock hair taught me a thing or two.

So..I did my sister's  hair many many many hours after my major seizure this morning and then did mine, almost on the verge of unconsciousness- which is totally the way I see myself going- with a set of clippers in my hands,  or gloves and haircolor😅 . So this is my new new look, for a hit minute.  I likey.

Sorry for being  MIA lately.  Been really ill  and then you know I get truly bored and push myself really hard to do something creative,  like coloring and cutting my family's hair and mine- also because I'm the only hairstylist in the family,  and I can't stand looking at bad hair.
Uggggh. Pet peeve.  And it always happens.  I'll be sitting in the doc's office with a family member and realize,  dammit ! I gotta get myself together,  and do their hair soon!
I AM that person. This is one of my crafts I've done since I was 12 and told my mom - STOP cutting my sister's hair!  Just stop!  She looks like Spock, for goodness sake!  You shaved of her damn sideburns! She's 3, and going into Pre-k, and looks like Spock! Enough is enough!  Put down the garden shears! You are a mom! Not a hairstylist! !!"
And that was the birth of my path.
Fucking Spock hair

The small things, be proud!

Totally giving me the feels

Hooray for me!!
And  to all of you that do this despite all your struggles -
When you can!!!

The struggle is real.
No joke.
This pic did make me giggle tho ,
Because I do feel like a champion  sometimes for the little things, or NEED to, for the things that I can only do SOMETIMES that others take for granted that they do daily without any thought or problem.

Whether due to physical,  or mental illnesses- all chronic illnesses to me and should be treated as such.

Bipolar-ing

Sorry I haven't been blogging so much- keep up with me on instagram- "yearsoftherapy"
I try to post daily, when I don't that means I was really ill.
So please forgive me.

Trying to fight depression.
It kinda creeps up on me likes like a
Shadow and covers all the light that was once there and all of a sudden you realize the light's out.
So you try to fight to see the light again.

But I'm fighting  for the light everyday.

Every.damn.day.
Somedays I win. Others...not so much.
I am Bipolar.
I am ok with that. It took years to be.
I still have days where I wish I wasnt.
But it happens. It my life. My journey.

I fight to end the stigma.

Dinosaur Party

Happy 10th birthday, Violet!!!!(she's on the left)
Dinosaur party time! You light up my life everyday and every night. You have taught me, continue to teach me how to grow as a person, to love and be loved.
I will never be able to repay you enough.
I thank you for choosing me as your parent and as your student in life.
I promise to always continue to listen to you and try to understand you in the best way I possibly can and not only be your mom but your advocate in life - to fight for your rights as a human being
You are a beautiful beautiful beautiful soul.
You forever inspire me to be a BETTER mom, sister, daughter, friend, human.
I will forever be thankful for you and to you.

As I always tell you everyday and night-

I love you more than the moon, the stars and the sky.

Happy happy happy birthday my love.

Autism💜

I posted a video on instagram of me playing with my sweetpea, Violet !She's my oldest and soon will be turning 10 years old this week!
Showing her my earrings I got 3 months ago from my sister,  that I never got a chance to wear and finally decided to dress up.

My earrings say "Can you not".
Not something I can usually wear to doctor appts.

Lula wanted to play with makeup this morning. At 7 am on Sunday.
Yes this is me "dressed up"
I told you I  wear hoodies and sweatshirts all the time.
This is my FANCIEST 😎 sweatshirt 😂-it says SHITAKE HAPPENS.
My life to a T.
And I laugh at it.

Violet has Autism,  as do all my children. 

They are all very different from each other -
like every child on the autism spectrum,  NO child is alike.

And they all completely own my heart. 

And I wouldn't EVER  have them any other way NEVER EVER.

They are perfect the way they are.
I'm so proud of them,  and how much they've taught me and we continue  to grow and learn together as a family, as a team.

So I guess my earrings mean-
CAN YOU NOT tell me-

-you are so sorry to hear my child/children has autism.
-if I just would parent them better
-what do I think CAUSED it?
-they don't  LOOK autistic, or AT LEAST they don't LOOK autistic.

Or GIVE me any type of parenting advice whatsoever. Period.
IF I HAVEN'T ASKED.

Instead of feeling pity-
Because I'm not upset, I feel so lucky to have my children in my life. After 4 miscarriages, I have 3 wonderful blessings!

Offer a play date! A ladies night out? ( or Guy's?  them? They?)
Help with cleaning?
Helping with shopping?

Offering things that HELP us with TIME. And mostly friendship😊

Pet therapy

One of my five dogs,  my furbabies, my loves,  this is Baby. The smallest.  All of them are my family.  It's like having 5 extra children in my house,  and I can't imagine my life without them all! !
All of my dogs were unwanted by others-
They've all become such a huge wonderful part of my family.
Happiness,  comfort,  therapy.
And ALL of them let me know BEFORE I have a seizure.
They are my therapy dogs!
They let me know to get to a safe place in time!
And baby  Always always anyways stays by my side till the seizure is over. It depends how bad it is.  Sometimes all of them will stay by my side,  or some will stay with my kids to comfort them and keep them distracted.

I'm very grateful for my furbabies.
It's been extremely great therapy for my kids as well.
Kids with autism can find great comfort in animals.
Mine do.

Elizabeth Taylor lookalike?

My Lula just turned 5 the other week! And did her own makeup,
Yes she decided  to add "a freckle" ( and i think its total awesomeness! - I'm aware that Liz Taylor doesn't have a beauty mark on her face.) Lula was just playing around with makeup and my wigs. When she finished, I couldn't help but see the resemblance between her in one of my old curly wigs with her makeup like so, and Andy Warhol's famous artwork of Elizabeth  Taylor.

I know I'm  bias, I'm her mommy.
I think it's awesome.
So of course.
No filter, nothing.
Just posted side by side.
Awesomesauce!

Fun mom

It's hard to be the "fun mom" all the time.
I try to be.
I mean,  my kids know I have a  different range of emotions,  and I'm not perfect. 
I make that clear- even though I'm  their mom,  I'm still a human being,  and make mistakes.
I feel this is an extremely important lesson to teach my children.
Especially,  having mental illnesses.

I want to hide my sadness from my children as much as possible, I wish I could hide it from myself as well and just be the fun mom,  the happy mom.

That's just not in the cards for me.
That's just not my story.
But I hope that makes them stronger people.

I think it's making them more empathize more with others.
I think.

More aware of others and their feelings.  So that's a plus!

Anywhoo-

Love you all big and small!! Xoxo
-beans

Disconnected from my reflection

I had a huge PBA (Pseuobulbar affect) moment followed by a seizure.
I know what you are thinking-

She is so fucing lucky!

I know, right?
Seizures,  PBA?! I'M LIVING THE FUCKING HIGH LIFE!

Yeah,  OK , back to "reality" or whatever people call it nowadays.

I went to wash my face and BAM!
that's when it happened.
I looked in the mirror-
And had absolutely no clue what or  who  this reflection was.

Let me repeat- None!  No clue whatsoever!
I freaked out.
I knew it was a mirror.
But that wasn't me.
It couldn't be!
Who the fuck was that?
What happened?
Is this a trick?
How was I replaced with this. .this. .THING? !

I started touching my short dark brown hair,  that I had last remembered being dreadlocks,  my body was so much bigger, I looked older,  I looked bland. Pale.
No color.
No animation

This thing was me? ????
Couldn't be!
Can't be! !
Where am I? !
I want to be me again!
This isn't funny! !!!
What happened?!
Why why why

I tried to explain this to my family,  but no one understood,  or still understands.
It happened yesterday, you see?
And everyone thinks this will just go away and fix itself.
But it won't

I can't stand my reflection.
Because it isn't me.
This caging . This casing is A MISTAKE.

And I can't fix me.

cokehead is the correct spelling, autocorrect

from my past-

As I put my head out the window of the speeding bright green VW beetle, I saw flashing lights. I was really high on ecstasy and god knows what other small little magical pills I swallowed earlier that evening. The lights were all different beautitful colors- It thought to myself I've never seen something so beautiful before.

Probably a very common thought among "E heads".

It was all so amazing!! I felt so free!!

We stopped suddenly at a red light. Right beside us was a cop car.

The cops just looked at us with a glare.

My ( then) girlfriend hit the gas and we sped up practically racing the nearby police car- laughing our asses off!

Now before you go criticizing me being in a car with a girl just as high as me, driving.

Let me explain to you this- This girl could NOT drive for a second, sober-

She was terrible! HORRIBLE!

Her sister ( whom I dated as well) and I never got in the car when she was sober- we were afriad for our lives!

I remember these days.

There were several advantages to going out with a drug dealer.

She was a very petite little woman, with the face of Courtney Cox ( when she was young).

We smoked all the time, in the car, out of the car.

Did I mention she was also a cokehead?

Yeah- I at the time- was not.

Let me tell you this every single drug dealer I' ve ever met- and there have been lots!!!

Has at least one drug they will not touch. Because they felt it was beneath them to do so.

Take my ex- girl for example- she LOVED the shit out of coke, but would never ever smoke CRACK. But that was her biggest money maker- CRACK.

She looked down on crackheads, talking shit about them all the time, while she would sniff about eight lines of coke in one sitting.

This relationship- if you could call it that- didn't last long.

She did propose to me though, I even accepted at the time.

I couldn't say no- ever to anybody- at that time. So I accepted this antique diamond ring, as she got down on one knee proposing.

I accepted even though I knew I didn't love her.

I did not follow through. Thank goodness! I gave her back everything.

Mania is it's own drug.

Unhappy thoughts much?

Get these unhappy thoughts out of my head!
My hurt and pain coming up like vomit
It just keep boiling
Up and up and up
I feel out of control
Yet I know these are just thoughts
I am MORE THAN THIS
I am more than my pain and suffering.
I am more than just my body
My body is not a waste can.
I am worthy of more.
This darkness is all consuming
It offers nothing I want there.
I see beauty in my children's smiles yet feel separated by a door that I have created,  but I can open.
Why can I not open this DAMN FUCKING DOOR?!
This door to happiness  and completion?!
When it is my turn to get to the other side of my recovery??
Through this journey
Every time I think I'm almost at the finish line I'm THROWN back to the start, wobbling knees and shell shocked.
I want to stop these horrid thoughts.
Thoughts won't you stop.
You do me no good.
Happiness come find me down the road between pain and sorrow. I'll be waiting for you with open arms and when I see you ill come running, crying like a small child who thought she was lost but then was found

Facing my demons

Some days are a LOT harder than others.  Posting selfies is a lot harder than  it looks for people like me. Especially during certain dark times.
This #selflovebootcamp is kicking my assand has become a huge trigger for me and all my insecurities, my hurt and past traumas.
  I know though this is actually something I NEED TO FACE AND GO THROUGH its just extremely difficult. I admit I was starving myself again.  It was doing nothing to change my weight really,  since I have hashimotos disease, and am going through menopause ( due to a full hysterectomy and hormones not working), and medication, the list goes on, I'm mostly in a wheelchair.

I'm FORCING myself to EAT an apple right now and oatmeal this morning literally forced it down my throat.
Every time I think I've got this recovery thing down, it's tricked me.
And then I have to take a good hard look at myself and say is this what I want my kids to see???
And go through themselves? ??
I want them to be confident, strong, never doubt how beautiful  they are INSIDE and OUTSIDE!
Yet here I am, the hypocrite.
I'm crying several times a day.
Facing many of my demons-
Bipolar disorder
Body dysmorphia
Eating disorder
depression
anxiety
chronic illnesses
autism
adhd
mom
On and on

Trying to be the BEST MOMMY I CAN BE!
Pouring FROM THE MOST EMPTY CUP EVER!

I am facing my fears head  on and I am terrified.
But So glad I am doing this.
I am glad I'm forcing myself to eat.
And facing my "demons".

Are you going through something similar?

Listen to the beat

Sometimes you just need to let go of everything-not easy usually but when I can it's through music.
One of my coping mechanisms is music-listening,  singing,  and used to be dancing.
I'm trying to find my way back to the things I used to find joy in.
Creative things- painting,  drawing -I can't seem to have the attention span for these things yet.

Possibly I'll start gaming again.
My kids seem to want me to join in.

I'll watch movies sometimes.
But music is always the way to my soul.
It's houses memories, cries of sadness and joy.

So here's a pic of me rocking out on my couch, to go with this  random blog update to get me into the swing of things.

Where am I ???

Since I moved my whole world has turned upside down .
Most of it I don't remember.
It's like a fever dream-more like nightmare.

I've been stuck.

My body is ill.

My mind is better some minutes and worse others.

My children are happy.
My family is happy

I am watching my life pass by.
Like through distorted lenses I can't seem to see life clearly and I'm not quite a part of this world.

I feel so different than everyone.
There's no connection between me and the rest of the planet I so deeply want to connect but I cannot.

I'm the VOID.

Let's play super quick catch up- cuz I'm impatient

Since my last post in 2011-

 I had gave birth to my third child, a baby girl. She's  now going to be turning 5 in April. Her name is Lula

-after her birth I had severe Postpartum depression,  went into the institution  several times.

-As a last resort had E.C.T. (electroshock treatments) which were one of the worst decisions of my life.

- I suffered great poverty and had to move from NYC to NC  for my family's
Sake

-suffered many traumas during the move.

-had a possible stroke?

-basically lots of fun shit. Tons of fun. (Oodles and oodles of sarcasm!)

But really sooooo much more happened than these shitty cliff notes.

Now-let's play!

Smooches bitches!
I'm back.
And no one's ready for me.

Signed
Head bitch in charge.

Thyroid doctors

Went to my endocrinologist today.
AND FINALLY GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!
I got to see daylight!!! Have the sun on my face. It was beautiful.
Especially after being home bound for what seems like forever already.
The pain has been so intense. I knew something was wrong with my thyroid and that it couldn't be ALL due to my pregnancy.
I mentioned before that I've gained about 16 pounds so far in the pregnancy- while eating barely anything (due to being severely nauseous all the fucking time) and eating healthier than ever before.
All my friends know I have a really big appetite and LOVE fried foods.
And while eating all this, stayed a normal and healthy weight ( sometimes even underweight).
This doctor is in Manhattan. And even though he's very far from where I live, he's totally worth it. He's the very first doctor, that is super smart, not an asshole, and knew what he was doing. He actually CARES! This is so rare! And he gets my sense of humor.
He's a good person, I find that most doctors AREN'T GOOD PEOPLE!
When I saw him today, I voiced my concerns and he listened.
He asked me several questions.
I let him know I was pregnant.
He told me when a person with thyroid disease is pregnant they actually need their thyroid medication upped about 30-40% MORE. And almost double that if the person is pregnant with twins!
YEA! I could've really used this information during my last two pregnancies!
Especially the one I had with Vivi!!! Where I gained 120 lbs by fucking BREATHING!!!! And was lectured by almost every doctor I saw, telling me to basically stop eating because I was getting too fat!
FUN, huh?!!!!
All this could've been avoided.
I get my blood test results in a few days.
He will call me, I don't have to hound him and his receptionist for two weeks until he graces me with a call back.
Like I said, GOOD DOCTOR!
Funny thing, he had a medical student with him today. Usually I don't like medical students. But this time I didn't mind.
When my doctor put the stethoscope to my chest, checking my heart, the medical student followed and put his stethoscope to my chest as well.
I had two doctors checking my heart at the same time!
I've lived my life in doctor's offices and hospitals, but this was the first time that happened to me!
I was cracking up!
My doctor said "We are a full service hospital here!", joking around.
I felt like Sookie in true blood in the final episode (yes I love true blood)
when both Bill and Eric were feeding off her at the same time.
Dave was in the room with me and the doctors, and I swear we thought the EXACT same thing at the exact same time....TRUE BLOOD!
So funny!
I ended up being on my feet a lot today, but it felt so good being able to walk.
Last night I felt like I was dying. I had pain everywhere and a severe migraine. I could feel every blood vessel on the left side on my head was on FIRE!
It was HELL.
I can't wait for my thyroid medications to be the correct dosage.
It should help ease the pain of the fibromyalgia (which worsens to the point I'm crippled, when my thyroid is too low).

Now all I gotta do is wait.

Wish me luck!
I'd love to be able to walk again and go places!!!!

Kisses Bitches,
love,
Your main fucked up Bitch!

STUCK IN BED!

THIS SUCKS!!! Dave's family calls me "hot feet", because I can never stay sitting down. I'm always moving, cleaning, cooking, running after my kids, doing laundry, etc. etc. etc. There's always something that must be done- and I ALWAYS feel it needs to be done right this very minute.
I'm a perfectionist, I don't believe people can do things, the way I need them done.
Yes, this could just be a "mom thing" or it could be the truth.
When I do things, it's quicker and more efficient.
I probably have major O.C.D. when it comes to my house, and the way I like things to be done.
Either way, I end up paying for being on my feet constantly.
I pay for it in PAIN.
Contractions, cramping, swollen legs, pain in joints and bones. I know, It's SO MUCH FUCKING FUN RIGHT?!
Yeah, I know I'm just ranting- but I just gotta let some steam out.
Plus this shitty weather isn't helping. It's just making me super depressed and increasing the pain I'm in.
It's hard for me to just sit back, and let everyone else do all the chores in the house.
I feel exhausted all the time, and usually don't want to get up out of bed, but of course I do end up getting out of bed because there's so much that needs to be done on a daily basis.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm super happy I'm pregnant. I've wanted this baby for a long time.
And I'm very thankful to God for letting me have this baby.
It's just the ten agonizing months of pain, that have me ranting and raving.
Plus I'm so hungry! But I can barely eat because of the nausea. And I get full super quick.
Sometimes I feel like I'm stuffing my face just to get food in my stomach!
After three bites, I'm physically full, but still SO HUNGRY.
It totally eerily reminds me of my old eating disorder days, mainly the bingeing days of yore.
I HATE those days with a passion. And anytime I feel like I'm doing it again, I feel like I'm spiraling.
Being off my medications doesn't help this feeling at all.
A few doctors have told me, I have to get on some Bipolar medications because I can start to severely deteriorate during this pregnancy and it can be very dangerous for me.
I feel so torn, my doctor is afraid to put me on any meds for fear of harming the baby.
My baby is my main concern, and I feel guilty if I put her at risk so that I'm stable.
Some days are better than others. Yesterday I was kinda happy. I even baked a fresh banana bread ( I used to bake all the time).
I made fresh lentil soup, minestrone soup- you name it I'm cooking and baking it.
Plus I'm LOVING spicy foods. And my baby ain't disagreeing with me.
HA! Maybe she's going to be a chef or a baker? Who knows!

That's all for now.

Kisses Bitches,
Love your main Bitch!

what I came from

Yep. These photos were from my old home. My old apartment on the Upper west side. THIS IS WHAT I CAME FROM.
Mold and lead infested, neglected by the slum landlord.
Last year was the worst year of my life. Going back and forth to court, trying to make the landlord fix the apartment. The judge was paid off, so we almost got evicted because of the fucking evil bastard.
My kids and I were sick everyday, with high fevers and lung infections.
No lawyer would take our case, because lead wasn't in their blood stream and mold cases were harder to win.
I was going to food pantries and soup kitchens to feed my family and I.
I almost got arrested the day we were moving because my asshole super, was going to have me arrested for...TRESPASSING... in my own still-paid-for apartment.
If there was anything that could shake my faith, it was last year.
On top of that my place was severely haunted. And not by nice spirits. We're talking really evil ones. Angry ones.
My family members are not "sensitives". They didn't believe me when I would tell them these things. Neither did my head doctors. They just put me on more medications to stop the voices and visions.
Because in the doctor field, there is no such thing as the supernatural, the only thing they believe is being "insane".
Fun, right?!
These ghosts would break things, throw things across the room, new light bulbs would die, electrical fires throughout the apartment, they terrified me.
I'd known about them since I was a little kid, but over time they got more and more angry.
I had serious sleeping problems due to this.
I tried to keep my faith, but everything around me seemed to be going to shit.
I hit bottom alright, even worse than being institutionalized several times years before.

All changed once I left that hell.
Not at first, at first the spirits tried to come with us to our new home.
That's why I left all my furniture, cooking supplies, even clothes at the old place so that no spirit that connected with any of these objects could step into our new home.
Starting January 2011, things started to get better, little by little, not perfect obviously ( as you all know), but definitely better.

A lot of people have no idea what I've been through in my life, or what I came from.
This is just a GLIMPSE of my old life ( there's OH SO MUCH MORE!) and one of the many reasons I don't have patience for people who have EVERYTHING ( money, health, happiness, family) complaining about the little things in life that bother them.
Seriously do everyone a favor, and shut your fucking mouth.
You should be thankful for what you have. I'm grateful everyday that I'm out of that hellhole, and that my family and I are safe.

On another note-
I heard my first voice (deceased or spirit guide, I'm not sure) for the first time since moving.
I was so caught off guard, I was filling the tub at the time and heard a females voice directly in my ear, I couldn't make out what she was saying, because I freaked out, screamed "What the FUCK WAS THAT!!!" and accidentally turned on the shower and soaked myself, while still fully clothed!

Yep. Looks like I'm not alone here either, but I don't feel an evil presence here like at my old place.
But strange things are starting to happen. I really wish I had a mentor or a guide to help me navigate through these things. No one here knows how to help me. My husband is supportive of me though, thank goodness.
It helps to have some "believers" around me.

Anyways,
Kisses Bitches!
Love,
Your main bitch!

It's such a good feeling

to know you're alive,
it's such a happy feeling... (the Mr. Roger's theme)

Please tell me you know this theme song, if not. Then I'm fucking old.

Anyways, I went to see my new doctor yesterday at the high-risk clinic.
Well, maybe I'm wrong but aren't you supposed to meet your doctor at the first visit and have a sonogram AT THE SAME OFFICE???

Or is that just the way it works in Manhattan????

It was so weird. I was at the clinic from 9:30 and didn't get to leave until 3 p.m.!
I didn't have a sonogram or met the doctor that will be delivering my baby when the time comes.
I waited over two hours just to have my blood taken!!!
What the friggity fuck!

Such a waste of time yesterday. Really.
They were nice there luckily.
Plus I heard the next time I go, the waiting time just to see the doctor can be 2 hours!
Man, I think I should just sign in and then take a look around the neighborhood or something and let them call me on my cell when it's time for me to actually get to see the doctor!
INSANITY!
I have no patience you should all know this about me, by now.
A.D.H.D and bipolar have many similarities- one being  that I have no ability to freakin WAIT!

Maybe this is the Manhattanite in me? Fast paced and never stopping.

In September I'll finally get to see my baby, and meet my doctor.
Plus I'm getting genetic testing done, because when I tell doctors my family's medical history they start to panic. I don't, but they ALWAYS DO.

While getting my blood drawn, I overheard a young lady say she had an ectopic pregnancy (An ectopic pregnancy is a complication of pregnancy in which the embryo implants outside the uterine cavity.^{)     
I was sad to hear this, but I knew in my gut ( my instinct), she was going to be okay. I wanted to tell her this. But many do not take hearing this from a stranger, nicely. They always give me a look, like I'm crazy.  So I decided not to tell her, especially since she was with an asshole of a boyfriend.
My gut instincts are getting way better. I was able to tell a friend that she was going to have a baby girl, and not to worry about it being so difficult to get pregnant.
I'm not in denial anymore about my abilities.
It's nice to see the relief on a friends, or strangers face, when you tell them good news. Not false news, but good news, you know will come true, and that will make the person a lot happier to know.}

A little over two months ago, my doctor lowered my thyroid medication. I told them it was a very bad idea. But they never listen to me.
That very week, I gained six pounds! By doing nothing different.
So you can understand how scared I was when I saw my weight gain yesterday.
OH, FUCK ME! This sucks fucking ass!!!
I gained A LOT!!! A lot a lot!
I've been so sick from the pregnancy I've been eating less than I used to and healthier.
This is bullshit!
I hope they up my dosage again, otherwise I'm gonna be obese by the end of this pregnancy. I'm not joking. Luckily, I will be able to take it all off afterwards, if not, then most of it ( I have twice before, I can do this again).
My main issue are the doctors. They don't believe me. They usually think I'm drinking from a chocolaty sodalicious fountain all day long, eating noting but fat injected crap.
Yeah, I went through this with my first doctor, when I was preggo with Vivi.
I started at 80 lbs. and went up to nearly 200lbs.
They never took into account that I was FUCKING 80 POUNDS before I started.
I'd been hospitalized twice for eating disorders. And they had continued to get worse.
My daughter saved my life. She taught me there's way more to life than just focusing on stupid weight.
And even though I feel way more confident in my body, and able to not be so superficial.
It bores me now when I talk to anorexics and bulimics. It also saddens me, that they don't see how ridiculous  it is to be obsessing over. It's all about feeling "in control" anyway.
Weight is just one way to feel in control of your life, when it's spinning fast out of control.

I just gotta deal with the whole massive weight gain issue, during this pregnancy and hope that afterwards, my baby and I are healthy and happy. That's the most I can ask for anyways. After having four miscarriages. I just want a full-term healthy baby after all this.


So, if you see me in the street all fat and pregnant, if you say anything about my weight or how big I've gotten, I have every right to punch you in your fucking face, you understand don't you?

Yeah, thanks for understanding,
You don't need a broke face anyway do you?

Kisses Bitches!
- Your main bitch.

When did every crazy person start being called bipolar????

I really wonder where this started.
All my friends, come to me with a story of a "crazy" friend, lover or family member, that they think is
Bipolar.

Let me tell you right now, this is a HUGE pet-peeve of mine.
NOT EVERY "CRAZY" or "MEAN" person is BIPOLAR!
I PROMISE YOU THIS!
Bipolar just started to become "popular" about, I'd guess maybe two or three years ago.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY after I was diagnosed.
I had to explain what bipolar was to nearly every single friend, family member or lover I had.
Sounds like fun, huh?
NOPE, not one bit.


But now I feel myself explaining the label Bipolar more than ever.
And it's so frustrating.


Hey maybe that ex of yours that cheated on you and treated you badly one minute, and great the next, was NOT BIPOLAR...but just a major ASSHOLE?!
Did that ever cross your mind???
Bipolar is a serious disorder. Not a label that should come lightly.
There's no real cure, but there are ways to maintain...a somewhat stability in your life, with help from therapists and medications, a supportive family and network of friends.

That's all we do (us bipolars), is suppress our bipolar tendencies and try, desperately to live a normal stable life. This is not an easy task, and should not be taken lightly.Especially if we are obeying our every single desire and impulse- which is  NOT A GOOD IDEA and usually leads to harm of oneself or others.

My friends also tell me stories about a person they think might be Bipolar, but to me, just seems like a clinically insane person.
YES, INSANE!
What ever happened to a plain old CRAZY person. Not Bipolar- just straight up maniac? Not MANIC, but MANIAC????!!!!

What the fuck, people?!!!
No, not every asshole, or straight up crazy person is Bipolar. Would you please please please keep this in mind when trying to "diagnose" your friend, family member or lover??!
PLEASE!!!

There are SO many other types of insanity! SO MANY!
How about you read a book instead, on diagnoses, huh?

and stop pretending you have any clue what being bipolar actually means, will ya?


Thanks for listening bitches!
Droppin' science;)


Kisses Bitches!

Been keepin a prego journal

It's so easy on my phone. Easier than updating my blog, that's for sure.

So these have been my entries so far- starting Aug. 10th

Journal Date: 08/10/11
Mood: Cranky
Energy: Have some
Appetite: Hungry
Morning sickness: No
Cravings: Eggs and fish cakes

Journal Date: 08/11/11
Mood: Tired
Energy: So so
Appetite: Hungry
Morning sickness: No
Cravings: Salty eggs

Journal Date: 08/12/11
Mood: Cranky
Energy: None
Appetite: Hungry
Morning sickness: No
Cravings: Anything skittles
Notes: Walked all over the city. Build a bear ( 29.99 for bear, outfit AND shoes! woohoo can't beat that price! Exhausted!!!

Journal Date: 08/13/11
Mood: Tired,achy
Energy: Some
Appetite: Eh
Morning sickness: No
Cravings: Eggs

Journal Date: 08/14/11
Mood: Tired,moody,yet happy
Energy: Some
Appetite: Eh
Morning sickness: No
Cravings: Eggs, pickles, chocolate chip cookies that I made from scratch
Notes: Made eggs for everyone for breakfast for two weeks already! Thunderstorm last night kept levi up, so I held his hand for hours so he could sleep. Had bad cramps all night long and a migraine. I always worry when i'm prego and have cramps. Not fun at all.

Journal Date: 08/15/11
Mood: Tired
Energy: None
Appetite: Some
Morning sickness: Some
Notes: Interviewed by daily news!!!

Journal Date: 08/16/11
Mood: Upset,hurt,sad,bummed
Energy: Little to none
Appetite: Not much
Morning sickness: Some
Cravings: Nothing
Notes: Got hurt by a friend today. Cried like a little bitch during a fucking chick flick I watched last night. I've always hated chick flicks. I hate movies that make me cry. Ewwww icky. It sucks being hurt by someone you trust. But another friend of mine, bought me an awesome gift! A book called " Go the fuck to sleep!" I loooooove it.

Journal Date: 08/18/11
Weight: feels like 2000 lb
Mood: Exhausted and nauseous
Energy: None
Appetite: Hungry but nauseous
Morning sickness: Yes!
Cravings: Cheese!
Notes: Almost spent the night puking. Thank god for Zofran (the miracle medication)! Made up with my friend. Yay!

Journal Date: 08/19/11
Weight: feels like 2000 lb
Mood: Pain
Energy: Pain
Appetite: Pain
Morning sickness: Yesssss
Cravings: No pain
Notes: At hospital massive contractions

Journal Date: 08/20/11
Weight: likes like 3000 lb (feeling very swollen after sitting for hours and hours with my legs dangling, while at the hospital the other night)
Mood: Sleepy
Energy: Little
Appetite: None
Morning sickness: Yesssss. Morning, noon, night!
Cravings: Nuthin
Notes: Feeling gross but better than yesterday. Baby is good, except for low heartbeat. Gotta take it easy. Watched a very corny Sci-Fi movie about vampires. I feel like everything is SO corny lately. All the trailers and advertisements I've seen look like I'm in a fucking MOVIE. These ads are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD. So stupid. Does anyone fucking notice this shit?! Am I in a fucking coma, and don't know it????!!!! I'm questioning my fucking reality!!! Being off my medication, doesn't help. Off my bipolar meds, Doctor's orders. I'm starting to lose touch. Things don't FEEL real.

Journal Date: 08/21/11
Weight: 2000 lb
Mood: Surreal, not myself
Energy: Some
Appetite: Hungry but REALLY nauseous
Morning sickness: Yessss
Cravings: Salty fish ( tuna with olive oil dill and lemon is AWESOME!) and ginger ale
Notes: Went outside. Walked all the way to waldbaums ( I love that store), Vivi walked with me all the way home afterwards! I'm very proud of her:) it was very humid and hot outside. I started contracting again soon after I got home. Watched "how to train your dragon", almost cried. I'm such a sucker for " I'm so proud of you son (or daughter)" movies, especially after being the underdog/ black sheep for SO LONG( like me!). So now I'm still contracting, but cooking some indian chicken curry and rice through the pain. I'm tough as NAILS, BITCH! I'm having some trouble, being off my meds right now. Having problems seeing whats "real" and what's not. Just another fun time being a bipolar.


Kisses Bitches!!!
More journal entires to come!

*photo of my daughter at about 9 months old. THIS is why I'm off my meds. To make another PERFECT baby;)

I gotta tell y'all something

Yep. You got it! I'm pregnant again. Nope, it wasn't a mistake. None of my pregnancies were.

I have two beautiful children. And I've had four miscarriages.

Not  everyone in my family knows this, but I guess they do now, huh?

One before Vivi. One after Vivi, before Lee, and two after Lee. I always wanted a big family. I love kids. I even wanted to be a foster mom. After having my kids, that proved a difficult task, because my kids needed lots of attention, even more so than "regular" kids (I put regular in quotes because I think this is funny, since I've never ever met one "regular" kid before in my life).

You all know my kids are autistic. Vivi also had a recent psychological evaluation and is now on the MR ( mental retardation) spectrum as well. She is "severely MR". No worries, she still has her PDD diagnosis and her symptoms go hand in hand with one another. This doesn't mean Vivi isn't smart, she's brilliant, but by whatever methods they test for these kinds of things, this was the answer they got. It doesn't affect me, my family, or Vivi. She's still the most awesome daughter ever, as far as we are all concerned. Lee as you all know has PDD as well. So my kids need extra attention otherwise they will kill each other, or themselves, they have no sense of danger or consequences- EVER!

Yes, so I'm adding another addition, another MOST FLY kid to the mix, of my lot.

Yes there is a chance my third will be autistic. But autism, isn't a "defect", or something to be cured in my book. It just makes my kid even more special and complex a person to me and my husband.

If found out I was pregnant two weeks ago, I wanted to share it with y'all right away but was too scared to say, because of all my previous miscarriages. But I wanted to talk about being pregnant and Bipolar at the same time. And what goes on daily, well at least for me.

Yesterday I was in the hospital, for over eight hours. I had contractions- yes, contractions, since the previous night. You all know I am TERRIFIED of hospitals, because I almost died after I had Lee, due to a severe infection. If it was possible, I would have liked to have all my kids, birthed at home, in water. Yeah, I'm a fucking hippie, or I'm just terrified and have become a germaphobe due to my previous experiences at hospitals. But I don't get to make this choice, because of all the complications I've had with all my pregnancies. Having miscarried four times. It's not an easy thing to talk about, believe me. But I do feel it's necessary to share these experiences with others. Let them know they are not alone, these horrible things do happen.

I was afraid I was losing my baby yesterday, it was very scary. So I decided to force myself to go to the hospital, despite my fears, so that my baby would be okay.

My baby is doing good. Except for the fact her heartbeat is very low. Yes, I said girl, I'm about 99.9% sure this one is a girl. How do I know this? I knew with both Lee and Vi what they would look like and what gender they were, before I even got pregnant with them. I'm a sensitive.

Just another weird fact about me.

I can usually pick words out of people's heads. I also dream of my future nightly. Like I said, just more weird and fun facts about me.

Her heartbeat is low, they said it might just be a technical problem with the ultrasound machine, but I don't agree. I saw the doctor's face as she told me. So I'm supposed to rest- A LOT. And take it easy.

I feel nauseous, in constant pain, like I have the flu- real bad.

My fibromyalgia doesn't help this fact.

My doctor took me off my bipolar medications, because they can contribute to birth defects, miscarriages, premature birth, etc. etc. etc.

Being pregnant does even out my moods a bit. If I wasn't pregnant there is NO WAY IN HELL I would be able to get off my medications. I'm definitely PRO-MEDICATION!!!!!

Don't ever ever ever get off your medications unless your doctor tells you so. PLEASE!!! For the love that is all good and holy!!!

Un-medicated Bipolars SCARE the SHIT OUTTA ME!

So I'm trying my best not to have an emotional, nervous breakdown.

Let see how that goes shall we?

I'll keep you all updated Bitches, ok?

Kisses Bitches,

Your main bipolar bitch!

Trying desperately to write daily

Let's see how this goes.

I made eggs for everyone (five adults and 1 curious babygirl. The other one wanted no part in it).
I feel everyone takes me for granted.
I should go on strike!!!!

Thunderstorms kept Lee up most of the night. So I pulled his crib right next to my bed, so that I could hold his hand for several hours, so he could sleep, while I did not.
The things mamas do for the kids, huh?
I love my babies, so it's totally worth it.

I was in pain most of the night and uncomfortable. Not fun at all.

Craving lots of eggs ( pastured eggs are DELICIOUS!!! When I can afford them;), pickles ( FROMTHE BARREL!!! NO JARRED FREAKS OF NATURE PLEASE!!!) and my homemade chocolate chunk cookies ( I made them two days ago and everyone seems to be attacking them!!!)
I totally fucked up  the recipe, because I've been so out of it lately. But they came out the best chocolate chip cookies I ever made!!! Go figure!!!

I'm tired, cranky, and a bit delusional. the day being stormy doesn't help.

Kisses Bitches!!!!

P.S. I'm crossing my fingers I get interviewed for a segment on autism, for CBS, this week.
Oh I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE!!!!!! Please cross your fingers too!!!

Am I the only person on the planet, that thinks my kids being autisitic isn't a problem, or curse. But a miracle. My kids are so special, and perfect the way they are and were always meant to be. I'm not looking for a "cure", or for them to grow out of it. I LOVE my babies more than life itself. And I believe God made them perfect the way they are.
But I guess that's just me, huh?

Bitches be LOCO!

I have so many haters- I lost count.

But in the words of the great Katt Williams:

"so what she/he keeps talking about you and hating on you. What do you think a "hater's" job is..to hate. if you have someone hating on you right now u better think of how to get 5 more people hating by Christmas. You need haters to make you stronger..without haters most people wouldn't try to become better. Just tell them "bitch you just hate me because you can't be me!"

 

 

WORDS TO FUCKING LIVE BY.

So I guess I'm doing well, if so many people are hating on me, right?

I got so many so called "friends" that talk shit behind my back.

That say mean things to me, about the clothes I wear, my look, my decisions, my family.

These people ain't no friends of mine no longer. And you people that are reading this- know who the fuck you are. Being all two-faced and shit.

But don't worry, I don't need to do nuthing. Your bad karma will take care of that for me.

Maybe I'm too nice. Because I don't talk shit about you to other people.
Even though,
THERE'S A LOT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT when it comes to you.

I decide to be the better person. And all the people you call your friends, are the ones that have spoke major shit about you behind YOUR back.

I am the person, I've always wanted to be. Can you say the same?

You know in all actuality, you don't hate me, you're just jealous of me, because you wanna be me.

I've dealt with haters all my life, even ones that threatened to kill me. Yep, kill me.

Fun, right?

There are way too many crazy mutherfuckin haters out there, that got noting better to do, but make others miserable.

I am who I am, you don't have to like the clothes I wear, because I don't dress for your approval, or anyone else's. Never have, never will. I don't dress for my husbands approval, and that's one of the many reasons we are together, He's never tried to change me, or the way I cut my hair, or the way I dress. I change my style from day to day. And he likes them all. Why? Because I'm an original not a follower.

In the words, of my best friend, "Why try to be like everyone else? When you were meant to stand out!"

Yes, she's extremely wise. She is MOST FLY!

She tells me this when the haters finally break me down, and have me wondering why I don't dress, look and act like everyone else.

We bitches, shouldn't talk shit about, and hate on one another. We should be building each other up. Since the whole world wants to break a good bitch down.

That's why I complement my friends, and even strangers, why I'm nice to other people I don't even know. Not because I'm trying to get into their pants or anything, I'm not flirting with you, because I complemented your dress, or your hair.
I'm saying this nice things to you, because I want to. I actually LIKE the things I say I like. And mean, what I say.

I say these things, because I want to build you up, not down like every other hater in town.

Because why be a stank ass crazy bitch, when you don't gotta be? You could be so much better than that. You could be the coolest fucking bitch around, instead.

So if you talkin' shit about me behind my back, don't think I'm stupid and don't know. Just know that because of you,
I'm inspired to be a better more stand up person. Maybe in fact I'll do things purposely just to piss you off. And make that bad karma that's following you come quicker. HA HA HA HA HA!

Kisses to all my lovely wonderful, beautiful Bitches out there.

And I nice FUCK YOU, to all the stank ass crazy bitches out there that be hatin'.

*photo of me, way back in the day. Yep! I dressed myself that day. Wearing my LIGHT UP PINK PIG VISOR to top off the entire get up. My mom fought me, tooth and nail, to NOT WEAR the pig visor. But I loved my fucking pig visor, and I wasn't gonna go anywhere, without it, DAMMIT!

See? I was ALWAYS FUCKING ORIGINAL!

hey people!

How's everybody doing?
Things have been hectic here, so I had no time whatsoever to blog, let alone do anything I enjoy like watch t.v. and movies, read magazines, socialize, you know all the good stuff.
I've been going to sleep freaking early as fuck! At 7 p.m. I'm dropping.
Probably because I'm up at the crack of dawn and doing housework, caring for my kids, making appointments, calling doctors, grocery shopping, cooking, getting hit by my son.

Oh yea, that's nice and new. My son, the violent one.
You all know Violet is a rough and tough kid. She's like the terminator, nothing stops her. No pain, no remorse.
But Levi, my gentle little sensitive son, is now becoming aggressive. Kicking, hitting, biting- you know all the good stuff (just kidding about it being "good stuff" obviously) ;)
He's been having serious tantrums and they last SO LONG.
And even after all this, I still look at my kids like they are angels. They are my sweet peas, always and forever.
I got a box of used toys, from one of Levi's therapists.
She knew Vivi has a new ( and old- from a long long time ago, then got terrified of it for some reason, then fell back in love with) Thomas the train. I don't understand this obsession at all.
But whatever makes her happy, I will do- and tolerate.
So we got a big box of used Thomas the train toys. The kids were so happy.
In the box though were also toy tools from the show bob the builder. Including for reason odd reason, a toy axe. Yeeeeeeeah. Toy axe.
So my daughter took the axe, put a pillow on the living room floor, then stood on the couch still holding the axe, jumped to the floor (like in the movie "300") and then hit the floor with the axe when she landed. She did this over and over and over again. She's a machine!!!
My daughter is MEANT to be an assassin for sure.
Meanwhile my son learned the word "mommy" and now calls every person with tits "Mommy!"
This includes guys with "moobs".
He doesn't discriminate!
Vivi also LOVES saying the word "boobies!" over and over and over again.
Her daddy asked Vivi "Where are the boobies?" And Vivi ran over to me and grabbed mine.

Oh lucky me. Ha ha! 

This whole part of my blog (above) was written July 27th in the morning. I had to stop because Levi was tantruming.


A LOT happened later in the day.
My dad had a procedure in the hospital, he had a radiation seed implanted yesterday- WITHOUT any drugs. OUCH!
Then I found out my grandma had a seizure (well they thought it was a seizure, turned out it wasn't exactly) and was rushed to the hospital again. She has a fever and a UTI. My poor grandma:(
You all know she has dementia by now, so she can't communicate if she's in pain, or really about much for that matter. She doesn't remember me either.
She was in the hospital previously, for surgery, she had parts of her foot removed, due to a massive bone infection and had just gotten home last Thursday.
THEN, after all of that, Dave and I had a fight. A BIG ONE. He's stupid. He knows he was wrong. Everything is gonna be okay, don't worry.

After everything I was exhausted. Very exhausted.
Because of the amount of stress, I went to bed in a lot of pain.
So kill me, if I'm not in a cheery fucking mood.
My family has told me I've been moody lately.
My response, "Fuck off."


Kisses Bitches! Keep on Truckin'

Dave dresses like a homeless man

My neighborhood thinks my husband has "special needs".
Dave is a TRUE PUNK. He doesn't dress to impress ANYONE.
He really doesn't give a flying fuck what you think of him.
This I admire about him but don't agree with.
I dress everyday to impress. Not to impress others exactly, but I dress a certain way to feel confident about myself. The more confident I feel that day, the better my attitude will be.
Yesterday he came with me to the rheumatologist.
He wore an orange striped polo, with navy and black athletic shorts, with gray socks and his black shape-up sneakers. Plus he was unshaven and very sleepy as always.
He's a TRUE- to the fucking CORE- Narcoleptic!
He can fall asleep in the middle of talking! Standing! Or walking!
Anytime- anywhere!
It's SICK!
Meanwhile I'll be up for hours just listening to him snoring like an animal!
Women ARE SO DIFFERENT from men.
It really is like we are from two completely different planets!

When we got on the bus, we went through about 5 empty metrocards till we found one with enough money on it. Dave shouted "YAY!!!" The bus driver replied with enthusiasm "YAY!" smiling at Dave.  Like Dave was "special". FUCKING HILARIOUS!
Then we waited in the waiting room, for Doctor Father time for about 2 freakin hours!!!
Which he spent falling asleep and moaning, like a homeless man. The best fed homeless man ever.
It looked like I picked him off the street to pretend to be my husband for some reason!
I'm just lucky he didn't start farting in his sleep at the office.

Last night, I explained to him my concern.
We laughed so hard about the whole thing!!!

By the way- on a side note- I've stopped my Geodon again.
Don't worry with my doctor's blessing.
Because it might be worsening my heart problems.
So I will most probably be going crazy, but at least I won't be dead, right???!
This also means my "filter system" will be down. So it's like I have tourettes. Literally.
Today Dave and I were talking yet again about his "dressing situation".
And for some reason I yelled "STUPID!!!" Then started hysterically laughing. Uncontrollably!!!
We both were laughing!
He said to me "So we're okay with that? You calling me stupid?"
I replied "Yep! No Geodon. I got me some tourettes now, BOYYYYYY!
Because I wasn't even thinking of the word stupid, it's just came out!
Too funny.
I gotta take Dave shopping ASAP! I can't take this much longer.

Because of the whole- no geodon thing- I can also kiss sleep goodbye!
No sleep last night. My throat is so sore and my thoughts were racing. Oh boy, such fun. NOT!
I'm beyond exhausted- but still have energy to type, and a good sense of humor to laugh about it all.

Kisses Bitches!!!!

Just a little ketchup

Oops I meant catchup.
I've been to several doctors, yet again. I'm now being sent to a pain management doctor!
Woohoo!
That's the one I've been looking forward to seeing. That's the happiness doctor.
Me likey!
I saw a doctor today. He's as old as time. I think he even witnessed the big bang!
So he really didn't completely understand everything I've been going through.
Though he is one of the first doctors to BELIEVE me and the amount of pain I'm in daily!
YAY! Go Father Time! Go! Go! Go Father Time!!!!
He said most likey I have fibromyalgia. DUH!!!!!

Anywhoo-
The kids have been doing well. They are very happy their daddy is back.
Plus I think my daughter is a lesbian.
Let me explain.
Dave about a week ago told Violet to "Say Paci!" (For her pacifier. Yes she's still using a pacifier- BITE ME! No really! I don't give a shit)
"Say Paci, Violet. Say Paci" Dave kept saying.
Her response "PUSSY!"
Very very clearly.
Dave then asked Violet "Violet are you a lesbian?" Joking around.
Her answer "Chu Cha! ( Spanish for pussy) Yup yup! Go go go!!!!"

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah. That's my daughter. Fucking hilarious, right?!!!! And so fucking AWESOME!
I'm probably the only pro-gay parent in my whole neighborhood. Other than Dave, of course.
Like I said before, I'm Bisexual. I came out of the closet when I was 16 years old.
No one welcomed me, that's for sure. There wasn't any parade for me. Sad, right?
But that was a loooooooooooong time ago.
Most of my friends are still shocked to this day, how I ended up married to a man with two kids. Domesticated.
A former "free spirit".
But right now, I'm getting way off topic.
Dave and I are working things out between us. We are working on our marriage now.
Our kids seem a lot happier because of it.
He's become a better dad and better husband. and everyday he's still working on it, like painting the Sistine Chapel....o' love.

Yesterday we had an argument. My sister got worried, because she thought I was going to throw him out, just because we had a fight.
I told her." No, one fight isn't going to end everything. He realized he was wrong and I was right."
He very quickly added "Yep!"
We all laughed. And that was the end of the night.

The fight had increased my pain 100 times more.
The pain has been SO intense! Crippling really. It seems to continue to get worse. Not better.
Oh joy. Lucky me, right?
I started re-reading my fave nutrition books, "Real Food".
I'm gonna try following it again. I strongly agree with the author. She's very inspiring.
I'll try anything right now. Plus I'd really like to add some serious muscle relaxers to the mix. Anything to dull the pain, right now would help.
RIGHT FUCKING NOW. But I got none.

My chest was hurting so fucking bad last night, I couldn't sleep. Or even think straight. I thought I was having a heart attack.
I quickly woke up Dave to get me an aspirin. I chewed it and it helped.
But afterwards I was sore for hours, while I watched Dave snoring away, like an animal, next to me.
I still am looking for a good heart doctor, and one that takes my shitty insurance.
Not an easy thing to do.

The search continues.

Oh on a quick note- My kiddie pool decided to become a flying saucer, and flew away into the sky and then into the street!!!
We then had to kill it and put it out of it's misery.
If you hear of any UFO sightings- it might have been my kiddie pool.

The way my sister told my mom " Hey Mom, guess what was NOT on the patio."
My answered "What?"
My sister replied "The kiddie pool. Guess what's in the middle of the street! THE KIDDIE POOL!"

Too fucking funny!!!!

Kisses my beautiful Bitches!!!!!

I just got a call...from the grave.

Yeah! You are as surprised as I am. I didn't know they had cellphones in heaven...or hell, either!!
Let me explain-
It's my creep out moment of the day.

I was in the bath, when I notice my cellphone going off.
The name "Victor Hugo" was listed with no number- calling me.
I rejected the call because I reject any number I don't know.
Plus this wasn't a number, this was a name, of someone I have never met before.
My phone never shows the name, unless I have it listed as a contact of mine.

When I got out of the tub, I checked my phone, no voicemail, no nothing.
It wasn't even listed in my call log!!! It was like it never happened!
I look up the name, and come to find out Victor Hugo is a dead author.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Creepy right?

I told my mom what happened, and added "I had no idea the dead could make phone calls!"
"Maybe he was calling to tell me to finish my fucking book already!"
Who knows, right?

I know I'm always apologizing for not blogging enough lately, but I have very good reasons for that.
Number one reason- I am doing both night and day shifts with my kids. No naps, no breaks, no nothing.
Why, you ask?
Because David And I are having a trial separation right now.
He is living elsewhere right now. While I take care of the household, the doctors appointments, the shopping, and the kids.

A quick note- Dave and I have been having problems for years. I'm sure he won't agree with this statement. But I've felt this way for a long time.
I mentioned I was very unhappy. He asked if I wanted a divorce. I told him I didn't know.
He left the next day. That was his decision.

This is a difficult time for me right now. I feel every emotion at once.
I've known him for almost half my life. It's a big adjustment, for me and the kids, but I'm sure we will be okay.
I don't think they've noticed yet, but I worry for when they do.

I don't know what the next step will be, or what tomorrow will bring. I'm just taking one day at a time.

Kisses Bitches.
Thanks for listening to mah stories.