oh boy

This morning I went to my cardiologist for an emergency EKG.
Of course, it showed nothing, because my heart was fine this morning.
But I could barely walk because of the pain in my legs. I had to hire a car service to get me to the doctor.
Dave ended up sleeping in the waiting room.
While the nurse did the EKG, I told her about my leg pain and the swelling.
I then went across the hall to get an ultrasound of my arteries.
while walking there- I whispered to the nurse, "Wait one second please. I'm just gonna go shake my husband awake very quickly."
She giggled while I walked over to Dave and shook him awake while yelling "WAKE UP already!!!"
All the old people in the waiting room laughed quietly, as to not anger the giant (that being Dave).
He woke up, only a tiny bit startled- meaning apparently I wasn't loud enough ;)
We walked into the sonogram room, the technician was a man.
I strangely felt comfortable with him, but when he offered to have a female technician do the sonogram, I grabbed the chance.
The LAZY as FUCK woman (older- very obvious wig, and a bitch!) looked at me, and went- "Nah. He's good at this. He'll do it."
She was eating, and didn't want to be disturbed. What a fucking CUNT!
So he came back in, told me to take off my pants and use the gown to cover my underwear.
Truthfully, I was nervous. Especially since I was in the same position a month ago- in a very bad office, with a very bad man.
Though this time Dave was right there next to me, watching him like a hawk.
I got to see what the previous exam- was supposed to be like.
The other technician (from hell) did everything wrong and now I'm FUCKING positive he didn't do any of the sonograms correctly that day and purposely molested me.
Oh joy. I'm this close to storming in that office and ripping his fucking balls off with my bare hands- that fucking cock juggling thundercunt!
Meanwhile everyone at that office told me, that what happened that day, was professional and that's the way the sonogram was supposed to be done.
REALLY?!!! REALLY??!!!
What fuck heads!
Anyways back to the story.
This guy was awesome- he was professional and funny and made me feel at ease the whole time. We talked about his family. I ended up finding out he had thyroid disease also! And had radiation to treat it a few years ago.
Dave, the technician and I were all laughing and chatting- making the painful sonogram (yes painful - they have to press down really hard on my legs- which were already hurting so fucking badly), way more comfortable.
But during the sonogram, while laying on the table- I started getting really dizzy and hot.
I told him, and Dave rushed to get me water. We didn't know why this was happening. I wasn't doing anything physical!
After the sonogram was done, I shook his hand and thanked him for making me feel comfortable and not scared. I told him, I had a sonogram for the same reason, done about a month ago, and the guy was completely unprofessional and totally inappropriate ( putting it lightly!) and a fucking idiot.
He apologized that it happened to me and wanted to know what office that happened in. I told him the doctors name and everything.
He was very sweet and kind.
After that I was told to go back to my doctor and have her take my blood pressure again. I ended up in the waiting room for almost an hour, because the doctor was mobbed with patients. By the time she got to me- apologizing and apologizing for taking too LONG, my blood pressure was back to normal (well normal for me that is- 95/65).
The plan- This week people will be coming to my house to hook me up to an event recorder.
YUP! I FUCKED UP! The holter monitor was NOT an event recorder. I was told that they were the same thing- apparently by an idiot doctor in the past before.
Holter monitor- is only for 24 hours.
An Event recorder- is for three weeks.
Yes- THREE WEEKS!
Because the 24 hours I was hooked up before- nothing happened. My heart felt fine that day. So of course nothing major showed up as wrong on the monitor, although my doc looked at the readings and said I had some kind of tachycardia normally brought on by stress- but I hadn't been stressed. She mentioned I may have some form of arrhythmia.
I will also be seen by an endocrinologist and maybe a rheumatoid arthritis doctor. The word fibromyalgia was also tossed around.
Fun times. Fun times.
MORE and more doctors.
Hopefully one of them will be "The One". Nooo, I don't mean Neo (from "the Matrix") because there is ONLY ONE, Keanu Reeves- of course (who I am allowed to marry upon my husband's death-btw!).
Sorry, totally off topic- I am a nerd- and sometimes go to my happy place.
Anywho-
I'm hoping one of these doctors'll find the problem and fixes it! Please!!! And soon!!!

Okay dokey- BTW Despite all this going on and Levi having a cold on top of this-
I'm still planning to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday.
Even while attached to my event recorder!!!
That'll make it even MORE entertaining!!! (but please, no cellphones, or my chest might accidentally set on fire- just kidding!...no I'm not...)

I was told tonight that, maybe people aren't responding to my invite (to my little get together at my house- with lots of kids, friends and family) because they think I'm gonna cancel it- "Like Always".

This statement hurt me a lot.
I am a person of my word- this means a lot to me.
The only reason I've had to cancel parties in the past, was either -one- due to my health- or my family's health, or, number two- being completely broke and having to go to a soup kitchen to get food.
Both - I think- being very good reasons to postpone or cancel a party, don't you??

When I was younger- I'd cancel for any reason. I AM bipolar and DO have problems following through. I'm a self-sabotager, for sure.

But nowadays, especially after having kids, my word means EVERYTHING to me.
Plus- I am looking forward to seeing everyone. That's all that matters- just being surrounded by kids, family and friends- right?!

So if you are one of "those people" that are afraid I'll end up cancelling and don't trust me to "follow through with my plans". Maybe you shouldn't come anyways.
I don't need negativity in my life- or my house.
And maybe you just plain suck.

But I doubt ANY of you feel that way, riiiiiight???

Kisses Bitches!!!
Grow some balls would you! Or a HEART!!!

*photo of the bionic woman- found on google.

My near fatal heart attack

Let me explain...
Yesterday I fucking faced death in the motherfucking eyes! And came out victorious!
YUP!
Yes I did!
Take that DEATH!!!
Last night, I cooked dinner, did some laundry and then went to the sink to wash some dishes...
And that's when it happened.
I had no idea a glass cup was broken and it slit two of my fingers.
Not wide open...but there was definitely enough blood.
And my blood looked like water, even though I was felt dehydrated most of the day.
I went to show my sister and my father all the blood- while they were busy eating the dinner I had just made.
I usually LIVE for these moments where I can freak my sister out, with my blood. Blood freaks her out. I don't mind blood at all.
I asked for a band aid- the blood wasn't stopping.
My dad freaked out, and basically ran around in circles for awhile- why? I have no clue. But if you know my father, this makes PERFECT sense.
My mom was shouting at everyone to get me a cup of orange juice...I have no idea why.
It wasn't low blood sugar.
But she thought for some reason that orange juice would help me NOT DIE!
I asked my sister to go get David from the bedroom. And QUICK!
By the time he came in (only a minute of so later) I felt nauseous, like I was going to puke. And my body felt heavy. My arms and legs were in such horrible pain.
I felt Dizzy, hot, nauseous and like I was going to shit myself all at the exact fucking time!
Then came the horrible feeling of DOOM.
My sight was closing in, getting smaller and smaller, and all I could hear was mumbling, and I was panicked! Really panicked. I had no idea why.
I kept telling myself.."Serena Why are you feeling this way?!"
"It's NOT REAL!!! WAKE UP DAMMIT! FUCKING GET OUT OF THIS NOW!"
I felt my body and everything around my closing in and coming to an end.
I couldn't walk or even stand.
I kept telling Dave, "I don't feel good. I don't feel good."
He kept asking me "HOW?" But I couldn't answer.
I thought to myself right then and there-
"Oh my god, I'm gonna fucking die, and be one of those fucking people to puke and shit themselves when I have a heart attack. Oh that's just fucking great!"
And still didn't ask my family to call 911!
I wasn't going to die in a fucking hospital. If I was going to die- and it was my time. Then it would be in my home, NOT IN A FUCKING hospital.
We were able to stop the bleeding and put some band-aids on my fingers, no need for stitches. PHEW!
Dave helped me get to the bathroom,
and I was feeling a tiny bit better, I knew- I had basically just saved myself.
I had no clue how, or even why it worked.
I laid in the tub filled with lukewarm water, we were out of hot water due to the washing machine (it hogs all the freaking hot water!GRRRR!)
I was in horrible pain, in both my arms and legs.
While limping to the bathroom, I felt like I had freaking broke my right foot.
I had no idea how? I didn't hurt my right foot. This confused me a lot.
My fingers ached- but didn't hurt.
I felt like I had just got into a fist fight and fucking LOST!
PAIN! INTENSE PAIN!
But I knew I was going to be okay, somehow.
When I was able to get out of the tub and come back into the living room, where my family was- I realized- I'm living in the fucking twilight zone!
My  entire family- was acting like nothing just happened!!!
My mom started complaining about the dinner I cooked, and how she wasn't in the mood for spinach.
Oh yea..and WHY was I cleaning her bedroom sheets?!
All I could think was...IS EVERYONE FUCKING NUTS??!

Am I in hell?? Did I just die?
What's wrong with my fucking family??!!!

But this is how my family handles things- pretend like nothing fucking happened.
OR they spiral into a deep depression.
Yeah- there's only two choices apparently.

I explained to my mom- "listen I almost just fucking died- and your complaining about DINNER?! and your sheets?!"
Are you all FUCKING WITH ME?!!!!

My mom responding, by laughter, like I was fucking making a joke of some sort.
And told me "I was just trying to get your mind off it".
At this point I'm angry. Really angry.
I felt "What the fuck is wrong with everyone?!"
Can nobody handle anything properly???

After I regained my appetite for awhile, I ate some food, the entire time, not believing what actually JUST fucking occurred!
A doctor I've been talking to, explained to me, that I probably have an electrical problem with my heart and need to see an electrical cardiologist.
Pace maker???! Who knows.
I probably went into a type of shock that confused my heart- hence the heart attack-like symptoms.
Oh lucky me, right?!
I was so exhausted after the whole incident, the kids were now in their cribs and falling asleep.
I asked Dave, "What the hell? Why is my family reacting like this?!"
He explained that because I didn't go to the hospital, they don't take me seriously.
His exact words:
"What they don't realize, is that you would gladly just die right here, even if your arm was chopped off, then ever ever EVER go to the hospital."

And he's right. I am an extremist when it comes to such things.
I feel people go to a hospital to DIE- not KEEP from dying.

I felt weirdly accomplished though, despite the near fatal heart attack.
I faced death! And came out ALIVE.
How? I don't know. Why it worked? I have no idea!
Was I afraid of dying? NEVER. Hence my suicidal tendencies.
I guess God, was telling me, that wasn't my time-
last night- and that I have a lot more to accomplish on earth but I croak.

And for that, I'm thankful.
I don't feel confident in the caring for my children, if and when I pass away.
I NEED to know, they will be taken great care of-
And I don't feel that confident just yet.

So...Thanks God! Two Thumbs UP!
I guess I'm a lot more powerful, than I give myself credit for.
I man, I fucking WON the fight!
How many people can say that, right?!

My search for a great electrical cardiologist continues.
My SAGA continues.

Kisses Bitches!!!

* photo of DEATH from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey (I love this movie)

BTW- Dave says If he ever died before me, he gives me permission to go ahead and marry Keanu.
This makes me laugh.
Because Keanu is WAY too cool and all around awesome, to like me, this I'm sure of.

This day will go down in history..

my history of course, as one of the worst fucking days EVER!
I went to see several doctors today- all in one place.
I had FOUR sonograms done, 12 x-rays, I was there for over five fucking HOURS!
But this- is not what made the day so unbelievably fucking horrible.
I had a strange creepy guy- do the sonogram.
Never ever had a guy sonogram technician- always female.
And for good reason.
I should've known the fucking second I walked into this doctors office, that every fucking doctor there would be seeing me naked. I should've known. Seriously.
Naked is one thing, violated is another.
The first sonogram, was of my heart. I could tell this guy liked me- oh joy lucky fucking me.
Then sonogram of the thyroid.
All of it was painful.
Afterwards, technicians usually hand YOU the towels to wipe off the fucking goo- they put on you for the sonogram.
Not this guy...oh no not this guy.
He wiped it off my breast by himself. YUP!
And groped my boob.
At first I was gonna just laugh this off, as some crazy experience by a horny older guy.
By the way, Dave was in this room at the time- making sarcastic banter with this guy. Dave hated this guy from the minute their eyes met.
I wish he had let me know this. Maybe I would've left. Just maybe.
After EKG, blood tests galore and 12 X-rays- including chest, back, shoulders, arms you name it ( done by a woman- PHEW!)
Then they sent me back into the sonogram room- for yet...more...sonograms??

I asked him, if my husband had left or if he was still in the office.
He told me, Dave had left. I figured it was true because he had to be home to pick up Lee from the school bus.
The first was of my neck, the arteries and such...
Then came the "lower extremities" Is how he put it.
Hmmm? huh? what?
He needed to do a sonogram of my inner thigh to see if there was a blood clot.
And that's when I felt...when have I felt- this feeling this before????
He was breathing weird the entire time, taking long deep breaths.
Then lifted my panties- There was no need for this.
Though I said nothing. Just laid there.
I have been molested before, sadly. And people that have been through this before- will tell you it's not easy to say something or yell or scream- or protest.
I can't explain it. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's your mind going someplace far away and safe, pretending like it's not happening.
I don't know.
When he was done with the sonogram, he started getting the paper towels.
I took the paper towels from him, knowing what was going to happen next. And told him "I'll take it from here".
I went to the waiting room because they were gonna hook me up to an event recorder (24 heart monitor) and I still hadn't seen the heart doctor yet.
I saw David sitting there holding my coat, I ran to him.
I was shocked! I thought he had left!
He then told me he had to go home, to pick up Levi.
He asked me if I was okay. I anwsered "Yes".
While still trying to figure out what just happened.
Was I making a big deal out of nothing? Did I imagine this?
Like I was in a coma or something.
It was denial.

I saw the heart doctor, and he told me I have thyroid disease. What kind? We don't know yet.
He said I would have to come back Thursday for a thorough stress test.
Oh FUCK! I'm thinking great- I'm gonna drop dead right fucking there on the fucking treadmill. I don't FUCKING RUN!
My chest hurts so much I can barely breathe.
I was supposed to get hooked up for the event monitor afterwards- but I was kind of in a daze- a hungry, exhausted, what the fuck just happened- kinda daze.
I stepped outside- leaving without the event recorder- I was walking across the street to the bagel shop when I saw it was closed and quickly turned around to go back to the sidewalk- this took no longer than TWO FUCKING SECONDS!
And some crazy fucking chick driving- pokes her head out of her vehicle to scream at me "Get out of the fucking street asshole!!!"

I didn't scream back- because I knew I had the light, and I wasn't just hanging out in the middle of the street. I knew this bitch was fucking insane.
I tried to brush the whole fucking miserable day off.
I started feeling really depressed. Really really depressed.
Things like this- "regular" people don't handle very well-
but bipolars we try to kill ourselves. We don't "handle" anything correctly.
I thought some bad fucking thoughts while walking home.
I stopped by the pharmacy- and ended up buying a lottery ticket from the cashier. I told her " I've had such a shitty fucking day- something good has got to happen right?! Some luck?!
She just laughed and handed me the ticket.
I got home, obviously not feeling quite "myself".
I went straight to the bathroom, locked the door and took a long bath and cried.
I finally came into the living room, where Dave and Kayla were awaiting a diagnosis or something.
I had debated whether or not to tell Dave what happened.
I pictured Dave killing the technician and going to jail and then me visiting him in jail with my two kids.
This thought wouldn't seem very far-fetched if you knew Dave.
He knew something wasn't right and joked to me "What did the technician fondle you?" In a joking tone.
I just looked at him.
And he knew.
He started calling numbers- filing complaints.
I didn't want to do any of this- I didn't want to be interviewed and questioned.
I didn't want to think about it.
The question I've always always been asked, WHY, oh why didn't you say something?!
I don't have an answer. I can't explain why. I just... didn't.
Calls were made- and the technician won't be there Thursday when I go in there to die- I mean, take the stress tests and then get hooked up to the event recorder for 24 hours.
Dave asked me- What do I want to happen?
I have no clue- I wished today never happened, that's for sure.
What happens next, I don't know.
I'm shaking as I'm writing this- because it's a big big deal to me.
But I feel it should be shared- because women that have been through this need to know- I understand why they didn't speak out, shout or protest, I don't judge you at all.
I feel horrible for you- because I understand.
I cannot watch any movie, TV show, you name it that mentions a woman getting attacked- or even worse shows it.
Everyone thought I was so strange for this, that I took these things so personally- I would spiral every single time.
You have no idea how common it is in movies and t.v. shows now. To me- It's really really sickening. REALLY SICKENING. And completely unnecessary.
I especially HATE when men write stories, screenplays or whatnot about these things happening.
They have NO CLUE what it's like- so please SHUT THE FUCK UP.
TRULY!

So that was my miserable fucking day.
'Nuff said.

*no fucking photo needed.

I do send kisses to all my fellow female readers out there.

BTW- Did I mention my phone- went off for NO REASON after my first sonogram, playing the song "Fuck YOU 2" by Bif Naked! I have this song on my phone, Dave was holding it for me in my purse- and it just went off by itself!!!
I couldn't believe it. How fucking appropriate, right?!