More things about marriage everyone should know

I've learned that across the board- men keep women from sleeping.
How you ask?
Let me tell you.

Every single night whether it be 10 p.m. or 2 a.m. if my husband sees that I have opened my eyes even a smidgen he'll start yapping his mouth away at every single thought that been going through his mind the past five minutes, or the past five years!
And there's no way to stop this yap train! Because I'm in bed and really exhausted from a full days work with my kids and family. He knows I cannot run, or even get my fat ass up out of the bed- to get away from the yap attack, to get some much needed sleep!

I asked some of my girlfriends about this, and their husbands do the EXACT same thing!!!

See the stereotype is ALL WRONG!!!! It's not the woman that yaps away the day and night- it's the MAN!!!

Dave tried to do that this morning- no I wasn't trying to go to sleep but I was tired and watching Levi play, while TRYING to stay awake and alert.
He starts showing me the things he's learned on the Internet and everything else on his mind, including his to-do list for the day.
I felt like my mind was being flung out the window.
I finally yelled "STOP!!!! You are sucking the life out of me!!!"
He looked shocked.
Of course, I realized I just MIGHT have been a tad too harsh and of course apologized.
He knew I was kidding...kinda.
But he saw my apology as a chance to continue talking...which was a no-no.
I FORCED him to go get some rest, in the bedroom. While I stayed in the living room watching Levi.

Oy Vey!
Hey- to all the guys out there!!!! Stop your yapping when you see we are exhausted.
We might just end up smacking you in the back of your head!

Kisses Bitches!

More differences between men and women

Example-

I asked Dave over and over again-
while he was on the Netflix menu on Kayla's PlayStation 3-
while he was scrolling through the list of shitty movies on instant play

Please, please please- go to the list of TV shows!
Over and over again-
Until I lost it and said to him
"If you don't go the the TV menu soon, I will punch you in the balls!"

To which to then looked at my mom and asked her if I talked like this to everyone?

My mom answered "YES!"

I really don't know exactly what my point was-
but I thought this was funny-
and very typical.

Women- first comes polite questions- then comes violence!

Men- Violence first- questions later???

Maybe.

Kisses Bitches!!!

*I enjoy this photo- it makes me laugh.
But I actually don't have a problem with breakfast in bed- I do that for my family a lot-
so then they are AWAKE and have no excuse to not come in the living room afterwards and help me with the kids!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Tits and Ass!

After writing this morning's blog post, I had to go to 125th street for a meeting with CPSE.
Remember- I was low on clean clothes. So I stuffed myself into, a tight pair of shredded jeans and a preppy collared shirt- yeahhhh- not my favorite outfit to say the least.
It was uncomfortable.
I went to catch the uptown train, and ran into a nearly empty train car- only to find out there wasn't any air conditioning!!! So I quickly stepped out and headed to another car- and saw the doors close! The conductor stuck his head out and said- "Hey, is something wrong with that car?" To which I replied, "yeah, it's too hot." I asked if he could please please please open the train door, to which- he looked me up and down- smiled and quickly opened the door!
HELLS FUCKING YES!!! Things are looking my way! This is awesome!
When I got to my stop, I saw the conductor again, and said "Thanks again, have a great day!"
He then replied- "Oh yeaaah sweetheart- you too."
So even in this busted up outfit, I still got moves.
I saw a reflection of myself- and realized the jeans that I stuffed my ass into- made me look like I had ass and hips for days- ya know what I mean?
But instead of being self conscious I decided to work with it and I felt empowered.
On 125th street I had to walk by so many projects and a whole lot gangstas.
I gave them all whiplash as I walked by.
So instead of feeling like a victim, I felt in control. Like I was in charge. It was kind of fun.
The shirt I was wearing wasn't showy at all, but still men looked. It was very perplexing.
The meeting went well. I finally got the services I've been fighting for months for my daughter. Overall it was a good day.
The downtown local train wasn't working, so I had to go uptown- to then transfer and go back downtown. It was confusing. On the way uptown, at 137th street station I saw someone I knew. I don't believe at all in "coincidences"- this was fate. I'd met an awesome jeweler back when I did the block fair a couple of months back. We actually live only two blocks apart from each other- but we met on 137th street!!! It's was crazy!
So we talked all the way back home.
Shout out to my girl, Peta!!! You're awesome!!!
After a day like today- I'm actually loving my body- and feeling very confident in it. I like days like today- where things work out.
My friend wrote a blog about- boobs!- after reading my -boobie blog- and it's so great!!!- check it out-
http://thelifeandtimesofanymutt.blogspot.com/2010/07/boob-rant.html

I, like her, developed boobies- at an early age, age 11 to be exact.

Boobies aren't the only word I use for breasts, there's are jugs, bazoombaas, melons, jugaroos, tittyballs (Dave's fave). I use them all and many many more- because it's funny- that why!

I noticed in fifth grade, boys were looking at me differently. In junior high school it was even worse, because I had ass, hips and boobs- so I was very self conscious of my body and the way people looked at me.

I was always a very sexual person, I mean my first crush was when I was a little kid- on Supergirl ( from the movie- if you don't know this movie than you are a wee-little-baby), in a way I was kind of hyper-sexual, from a very young age. Then add that I was a total and complete flirt- so I was trouble. But I didn't lose my virginity, until I was "of age", that was the one thing I held onto and did everything else- BUT that, until then. I'm actually glad I did, because my mania really kicked in after I had sex for the first time. So if I'd lost it early on- I would've been a mess! Most bipolar are nymphomaniacs- well all the ones I've ever known, including me.

I really admire my friends that wait until they are ready to have sex. I still think that is the very best way to go, and to not rush these things because sex DOES change you in some way shape or form- forever.

There were a few guys, that tried to force me, leading to a few bruises on me AND them- don't worry they didn't succeed.

Plus I was a hot fucking mess in my teenage years- I still to this day hate the way I looked back then. So g-d bless you if you liked me back then, really G-d bless you.

But all that's in the past- and today I felt good about myself. And I'm more confident being nearly thirty years old- than I ever was at 13, 14 years old.

Now I LOVE my tits and ass- and I thank g-d for it.

G-d bless curves everywhere!!! Big and small.

Work your inner Diva- and even if you don't feel confident NOW- you should FAKE it until you do- because there are always people that will find you attractive- no matter what size or shape.

Feel good about yourself- and people will follow. Heck you might even meet Mister or Miss right? Who knows.

Confidence has always caught my eye.

Kisses Bitches!!! And work those tits and ASS!

*beautiful photo of Marilyn Monroe

More differences between men and women

Despite the obvious, of course.
I realize when Dave and I are joking around- which is all the time, how different men and women are- and how thankful I am for this. Humor is a big big deal to me- without it there is no point- to ANYTHING.
Especially living such stressful lives like we do- the ability to laugh- is so important.
Dave and I say weird things to each other all the time- like when someone says "what's up?' we think it's funny, to follow it up with "mah dick". I know- we're children- but it's funny you gotta admit.
Also the way we do things-whenever I have a free minute, I usually start straightening up the house, or start preparing dinner, or put the kids toys away, or watch T.V.
When Dave has a free minute- he starts sketching, going on the computer, he does things he enjoys. I usually do this last.
The way we deal with stress is different. For example the first year of both my kids lives- Dave went completely bat shit fucking nuts. Totally insane. Was a rage infected monkey as far as I'm concerned. I just mostly cried, sucked it up and took care of what needed to be done. My kids' therapies, doctor's appointments, cleaning, cooking.
We all tried our best to stay out of Dave's way. Yeah he's totally scary during the first year. I have told him, I'm going to have him sign a contract in blood that this will never ever happen again. But I bet it won't make a difference. That first year is always really fucking tough. No one has any clue- how hard it is.
It's best explained in a line from the movie Men In Black:

Jay: Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here?
Zed: The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode.

Therefore-Dave never got used to it, each and every time he had a psychotic episode.
I don't know why it even happens. But I wish it didn't.
Another difference. When I was in the hospital, in the eating disorder clinic in New Jersey, my ex-girl, cleaned the entire apartment, and made everything pretty. She even covered the bottom of the sink with this frilly stuff. I came home- and was shocked- I didn't even know they had frilly stuff to cover the sink with?! Not that I would have even done that myself. I'm a girl and all- to a point. I like dresses, fancy dinners, etc. But I'm not really into flowers or jewelry or cuddling. Sometimes I cuddle- like I hug Dave- and I'm like- oh yea this is what it feels like. But no cuddling after...you know. That's just WAY too girlie.
When I went away with my family for vacation, many years ago, and Dave stayed in the apartment alone with my old dog. Well I came back to chaos! He didn't shave, or even clean. He actually had gone completely crazy. Yep- straight up fucking crazy. He ended up playing the horror game Silent Hill, and "to save electricity" didn't turn on any lights or anything- FOR SEVEN DAYS. He got freaked out by the game, and walked around the house- get this- naked and with a knife. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- I should have known a long fucking time ago- my man was FUCKING crazy!!!! FOR REAL!
Also sex...I'm not going into details because that's really fucking TACKY.
But it's just so much quicker with a guy and that just really really works for my schedule. Especially with kids. I have NO clue how lesbians with kids ever have time to have sex. EVER.
It's just a way longer process- plus there's a lot of emotions- yada yada yada. And then there's cuddling. And holding each other through the night. YEAH- it's a lot.
I learned I don't like all the holding- and and the cuddling. And I'm not saying anything bad about my ex-girl, one of the best people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. She's is an absolutely wonderful, caring, loving person. And I wish her the best in life and that only magical, amazing things happen for her.

But after living together- I realized..living with a woman is HARD! There's too much emotions, and feelings and shit. And truthfully- I just can't handle it. Dave always says- I'm way more of a man.

He's my wife after all, he sews, bakes, loves shopping, the list goes on and on.

He says to me. "Who's the man?!" And I answer "I'm the MAN!" and we laugh!

And it's so crazy, because in a female relationship- I'm always the girlie girl, never the butch. I know this is so strange. I never wanted to be a man. I love myself the way I am- female and all. I just don't play the role all too well.

But to Dave I'm perfect, and that's what matters right? I mean, he's psychotic, but he still thinks I'm perfect. That's all I need to know.

Like yesterday- he wasn't cooking the steak the way I like- and he was being stubborn. So I yell out of frustration- "YOU STUPID!"- not "you ARE stupid"- or anything. He knew it was a joke- and to us it's pretty fucking hilarious.

Also the way the house smells is different. When you're with a woman, the house smells nice- like perfume. When you're with a man, it mainly smells of what Dave and I call "Armpit-balls-ass-foot" scent. Yeah, men are stinky- especially after marriage- the constant farting and such. Don't even play like you're not, when you KNOW you are.

I never had to tell my ex-girl, "Go take a shower!" Not ever! But my husband- Multiple times!

But I deal. I just spray the house a lot with nice scents- so I don't go crazy. I have an acute sense of smell, after having my daughter 3 years ago. I can smell Popeye's fried chicken, like 5 blocks away! Yeah- I'm a bit hardcore like that. So smell is really really important to me.

In the end I realize- living with a man is difficult- but living with a woman- even more difficult. At least to me anyways.

And I like- easy. I'm just an easy kinda gal...wait that doesn't sound right. Well you know what I mean, don't you?

Thanks for listening- I hope you had a laugh or a few.

Kisses Bitches!!!