Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Something's missing.

Ever have that feeling something's missing...inside you?
I feel something's missing from me, maybe emotionally or mentally. But I'm missing a piece. I feel wrong somehow. Like I was made with a part missing.
I've always felt different, not unique. Just different. An outsider to the world. Always watching but not participating.
That's what I am. An outsider. A freak. Something wrong.
I can't explain it very well but I feel like my life isn't real, that I'm just watching things happen. I do laundry about 100 loads a day, clean daily, always pacing, never sitting. I'm so busy with mandane chores I forget to sit and eat. Literally forget. I'm not even hungry usually. What's wrong with me I ask God frequently. I thank him daily for my family, my kids and friends. That however badly we struggle, food is on the table and a roof is over our heads. But ask him why am I like this? Why do I get so easily overwhelmed? Why do I get panic attacks over the smallest things?Is my life real? Was I made with something missing? Why can't I appreciate everything? Why do I feel so sad? Or like an emotion is missing? Am I numb? What should I do? What path should I take next to better my family's situation? When will we not struggle anymore?
I'm tired of being below poverty level but am incapable of getting a job. I feel incapable of a lot of things. Numb and wrong. The only thing right in my life is my family, my children, my soon to be wife. I feel like sge got stuck with a broken person. I try daily to make her happy but feel I suck at it. Eventhough she says she's happy I feel guilty I'm bipolar and sick. I want to be whole mentally functioning at the highest capacity. But feel that's a pipe dream. No matter how many meds I take, even if it's the right combination I'll never be fixed. She'll alwaysbe with me, a broken toy. She's my angel, that she loves me anyway. And loves my kids as if she birthed them. She's a saint in my eyes. Who else could do that? Love my family of 9 in a three bedroom with no money, no perks andbe happy and not go insane or treat me badly? No other person on earth is she. That's why I'm gonna marry her. She is my soulmate. I just wish I had a more complete soul for her to mate with. I'm broken but trying my best to be functioning.
Anyways, those are my thoughts for now. If there are many typos I apologize I'm writing this on my phone because I have no time to sit down on the computer. I'm pacing as I type. And I must say a big thank you to my mom. Without her I'd be homeless and without food because my money and food stamps only go so far. Thank you Mom. I love you very much.

Kisses bitches!
Love your main bipolar gay bitch!

1 comment:

  1. Do you expect too much from yourself? Your situation is difficult and the fact that you do what you do is amazing. I know you don't feel amazaing, but you are. Most of the world couldn't do what you do. I know I couldn't. And change your description--you have two autistic children.